ON ANOTHER POST: "Right now you need to focus on the positive things in your life...what is your H doing right? write it down, his positive actions...focus on those actions."
I have often read on HH to focus on the positive...and I think it's time I truly do. I'm starting this thread to SHARE what it is our Ss are doing to help the M blossom.
ME: Last night, my H took my hand while we were walking the dogs. He said he could tell I was distancing myself...and wanted to help me "come back" to the present.
I'm really interested in the big AND little things your S does for you!
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
It is good to focus on the positive, I agree. But in order for the marriage to heal I feel the positives must out weigh the negatives. Although, for me, the negative side is winning right now, there are still many positives. So I will share one of those moments:
Last night WH noticed that my neck was hurting badly and he rubbed it for me. To me, this shows he cares about my well being, and that is a positive.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Really great post, JJ, as I am also turning the corner where I WANT to get better. For a long time, I needed to feel the pain and grieve the loss. I am scared to give up that pain/protection but do want to move forward. So, some things H has done:
-One morning, he woke up and kissed my back - without me starting the A conversation,just said he was so sorry about everything and would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I like it when he brings up the A, instead of me.
-Every now and then, from out of the blue, he will tell me how much he loves me and how happy he is when he is with me
-Sends sexy e-mail lovenotes throughout the day (I used to think about how he probably sent similar notes to OW but now am learning to appreciate them - she WILL NOT take anything else away from me)
-Takes yoga class with me
-ALWAYS has his Blackberry/cell phone on and visible
-Pro-actively lets me know if any of the OWs contacts him
and many, many more things. Now, I love him more for what he is doing today than hate him for what he has done.
This message has been edited by selfesteemseeker on Apr 1, 2007 8:25 PM
opens the door for me when we are going out for dinner, offers to stop and pick up take out at a restaurant...puts the dishes in the sink, will empty the dish washer...sometime will fill my care with gas...calls and asks if I need anything at the market as he is passing it...small things but they show a loving action...carries my heavy carry on bag when we travel...never did that before D-day 2..makes me feel special now.
when I was really having trigger moments he would hold my hand or give me a hug
when the MC asks how we are, H answers and says fine...look at me waiting t see if all is fine.
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Hope, it is a GREAT start. He is really trying to let you know he loves you.
What I really want H to do is turn back the clock, make it all go away. Given that he can't do that, he is doing just about everything he can in the present. I think I am angry at him for not being able to change history - crazy, I know.
going to MC with me (and has expressed her belief that it is paying dividends)
going to IC of her own accord, to address her personal issues
really trying to show me physical affection (she has big intimacy issues)
making a real effort to help around the house (BIG issue for us especially immediately pre-and during A)
trying to suggest things for us to do together
not going online in chatrooms at all
not contacting any of the chatroom friends she made that tacitly supported her and her OW
quite happy to discuss anything about her A honestly if I need to
really trying to communicate with me (we used to be pretty good at that once)
I am sure there are other things I am forgetting, but nothing she has done since she asked to come back home has led me to think that she is in this anything but boots and all.
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and loving post. I really appreciate your positive actions JJ!!
My H has learned how to express his feeling both in writing and orally. This is a new experience for him. Before he would wait till he was furious and either become mean or not say anything to both me and the kids. As he now puts it he is trying to "get in touch with his feelings".
This I believe was a big factor in his adultery. His passive aggressive behavior was simply ride off to OW and have sex rather than face our problems. His fantasy life was always so much better than reality.
Now he works very hard to give us the things he deprived us of due to spending time and money on OW rather than focusing on earning money for his family. I remember asking where he got all that money to spend on them he said " I saved it on the side" . I was shocked. Since we BOTH work and contribute to a joint account I had no idea we had " secret " money. Especially since when ever the kids needed or wanted something extra I had to tell them there wasn't enough money. ooh that one really hurt me.
However, now he does everything he can to provide extras for our kids. Unfortunately they are now grown, but I do appreciate his efforts. He can not make up for the past, but he IS doing whatever he can to make our future better.
He now cries when he feels emotional. If I trigger his eyes mist up and he reaches for my hand. Often I don't say anything, he just knows by senseing it in me. No words are said by me. This means he is really in tune with my feelings. Something I have been missing for years.
He is a different man. He once put his needs first, and I had no problem cause I always put him first too. Now, however, he really tries to be aware of me and the kids and take care of us before himself. I appreciate this effort.
I actually feel proud of him now. Something I have not been in a long time. I feel more and more love for him each day as he makes every effort to earn that love. He is making sure I have no regrets for giving our love a second chance.
