When everything else fades to the wayside, in the end, what do we really have if we don't have our family? To me, family is the most important thing in the world. Coming from a very tiny family that wasn't very close, it was H's close-knit BIG Italian family that was the icing on the cake for me. I already loved this man with all my heart but when I saw how important his family was to him before we got married, I thought for sure he would always put family first. When I saw how hard he worked, I thought for sure he was doing it all for us. When I saw how much pain his father's infidelity caused him, I never thought he would do the samething to his own family. And when I was proven wrong on every count you can see why when it comes to my WH I did not trust my gut. At times I thought I knew this man better than he knew himself, and now I wonder if I even know him at all. We all see what we want to see in others, whether it is the good or the bad. And we only see what others allow us to see of themselves, good or bad.
When I first met my WH I knew he was trouble, but I took a chance on love anyway. I moved thousands of miles away from friends and family, and I gave up a good job and nice apartment, and a place I loved just to be with him. I willingly gave up so much of my life and for what? To be cheated on? To be betrayed? I thought I was getting something far better than what I gave up and that my sacrafices would be rewarded...that LOVE was worth it. It's pretty funny how a few misconceptions about someone and about life & love can really turn your world upside-down. Live and learn as they say, these are life's hard lessons <sigh>. I left my life in someone elses hands when I said "I do" and trusted that he would cherish it and keep it safe, and do the right thing. I was wrong! No one ever told me that my love was a precious gift and that I should guard my heart, and that I am it's ONLY protector. No one told me there was no such thing as a white knight in shining armor, or a Prince Charming. I actually believed in the fairy tale of "Happily Everafter".
I had always been a very happy and positive person until all of this, now I am simply sullen and changed forever. I have been foolish and naive. Now I know better and I have only myself to blame for not taking care of me. Whatever happens now is 100% my own fault and I need to take responsibility for my own choices. Infidelity is like a rude awakening. No one wants to wake up from the matrix and find that their whole life has been an illusion of someone elses making. And once you have been awakened there is no going back. Now that you know the truth, what are YOU going to do with the rest of YOUR life?
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Apr 4, 2007 9:01 AM
Cal,
This is so painfully beautiful. SO much of it felt as if I was reading my life.
I thought all those things you write about,I gave up SOOOO much to marry him. I had planned on getting my Ph.D I gave up grad school for him. I expected him to be my life. He was mine. There were many many more sacrifices for him all through our marraige but that was the first... I look back and think what a fool I was for love. He was my everything.
However as you say adultery changes everything.
As a child my family was... there are no words!
So I made my kids and my H a family. I gave my all for them. I did everything I could to make us perfect, despite my H always being "too busy" for us...
However, as you so wisely write Cal, it is NOW up to us. The fairy tale is over. Unfortunately we had to learn the hard way. BUT we did learn.
Mo longer sitting in tears. It is now our responsibility to make our personal happiness, and life. We have NO one to blame but us if we fail at life take two.
You are a shining example of love, and strength Cal. You are growing from this nightmare. And basically that is the BEST we can do after all we have been through. That and sharing our learnings so others can be helped. Way to go Cal. Thanks for sharing your beautiful poignant words.
Cal, I could have written so much of what you did.
My H was trouble and I knew it. He lied to me before we married, had a date with another woman and told me it was "to end it nicely." He kept me waiting for him in a bar for over an hour. Showed rage, self-involvement and craziness (though no sign of alcoholism yet).A healthier woman would have left. But I stayed for the challenge, the excitement and yes, I loved him.
I thought I had won the prize when I married him - like you wrote, he was my savior, my knight in shining armour, the person who would show the world how great I was because I could land someone like him.
He became a poetic figure to me - handsome, stormy, passionate, sexy, brooding, brilliant, creative - when he was really a man with a lot of problems. And, he could really manipulate me - when he shone his light on me, there was nothing better. He was romantic, loving, sent loving e-mails, gave great parties for me, talked about literature which was very sexy to me.I am sure he did some of the same to the OW's.
In our marriage, I didn't give up my career. I hung to it for dear life as it was the only place I felt safe. I always sensed that he was unstable and I was never going to let myself become dependent. But that was a joke really - I am financially independent but totally depended on him for everything else - who I was became totally about who he was. To the world, I am a powerful businesswoman with a great, charismatic husband and wonderful family. I was such a fraud, but, in order to keep that illusion, I put up with cruel behavior and eventually, alcoholic, bi-polar behavior. I thought that by engaging in screaming matches, I was being strong and standing up for myself. Nonsense.
But, I also think that D Day was, in a sick, odd way, a very good thing for me. It profoundly changed the way I look at the world, sad in some sense, but also much healthier:
-I no longer believe in fairytales. Life is tough, full of suffering. But, we can make choices for ourselves that make it better instead of worse. I have learned so much:
-My H is just a man. He is a bi-polar alcoholic with great issues but I love him. He is not a prize or key to my self esteem.
- No one can rescue me but myself. Self esteem comes from within (duh!) not from somebody else. I am slowly learning what that means. I have to treat myself the way I would treat a beloved friend. Not something I ever really did. I always treated myself like the disliked person, the one that gets ignored or treated badly.
-I, like you, take responsibility for the mess I got myself into (not the A itself - know that was H's choice). I was complicit in the form our lives took and in a sick, unspoken deal - "H, if you stay married to me, show me love sometimes, pretend along with me that we have this inviolate love and great marriage, then you can go out every night without telling me where you are, never call, then come home and we can spew abuse at eachother." The whole deal, in my head, was contingent on his loving me and only me....when that fell apart, I had to find a better deal and that is what I am working on today.
-Most importantly, I will NEVER allow myself to be treated the way I was.
I was such a mess, so weak for so long but now, am finally feeling stronger, stronger even than I was. There are still MAJOR dips when I feel cheated out of a life, dis-oriented, frightened, furious but when that happens, I try to remember that, no matter what, I will always have myself.
Like you, I do feel a profound sense of loss that goes way beyond the loss of a faithful H...but the trauma got me to recognize my own issues and how I need to change. I too often find myself sullen, even bitter, but I don't want to become that person. Hard to resist sometimes.
OK Cal - Your posting came at the precise moment I was going to say something that relates very much to what you and others have said. So I will say it here:
What I have noticed in me and in others here is a common thread of how we all went in deep and have come out and had to draw up boundaries to protect ourselves. I notice in myself now that I am guarded and will not be able to love deeply like I did before with WS or anyone else most likely. So.. you see it all feels as if I (and others here) end up compromising and withdrawing and toughening up etc.. ie all that stuff about boundaries and protecing ourselves.. All that actually sounds like people with a lot of scar tissue. Do you see this and do you think it is how we all end up coping. If so then it feels like we give a huge price to survive ..and perhaps more so if we hang on to the person who caused those injuries in the first place - perhaps the marriages that survive are really containing those that have hardened their hearts? This scares me.
Because we loved so deeply we hurt so very much. NOW it is up to the betrayer to EARN the right to the marraige. It is NOT something we now give freely.
We are all suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Just like a tragic accident, it is NOT something you choose to happen to you, nor did you deserve it. It happened.
Now.. this is your life. You need to grow from this experience.
As for the marraige, if you don't get BETTER than you had before... well.. I for one would not have stayed. BUT it took me years, to be able to see the difference. The first year was filled with too much pain. As my H used to say, "who I was, is not who I am now" I had a lot of nasty words to answer him. However, he was right. He is a MUCH better person now. Then again.. I am no longer blind, and he too has paid a heavy price.
I CHOSE to go on with my marraige, because he was offering me so much more, than he did years ago. I will never sacrifice again. Never.
Cal,
I know what youy mean about giving up things. I gave up a chance at becoming an independent, young adult. I wasn't even out of collage when I married. I went from living with parents to living married to my H. I too thought I was getting the man of my dreams who would cherish me and protect me. Who cares if he didn't make more money then me. We were a team and the money went into the same pot. H got the chance to live out on his own, party with friends, have different relationships with women, etc. I, because of strict parents and the demands of school, really didn't get to experience my young life. I blame myself for that decision and I think I am more angry at me then at him. I sort of feel like I have been used because I landed more of a stable job while he was unemployed many times before he finally got a stable job. The finances totally added stress to the marriage (no doubt about that). But, I did not turn my back on him by having an A. I am just not that kind of person. He knew how I felt about cheaters. He saw the pain my family went through when my BIL did it to my sister. No, I don't know who my H is just like you. I can only protect myself too and sadly enough, my view on the world and people is very different now. No more fairy tales here.
Or... Is it that we have simply learned ie grown up ourselves. Is it perhaps that we were simply immature and foolish in falling so deeply in love when really we were becoming dependent on this other person a bit like going back to the womb. After all living in this world is really about being independent and whole and happy in ourselves - So.. perhaps after all we have simply learned a lesson and our WSs have brought this difficult lesson home to us. Life has a way of teaching doesn't it they say. Is this it and is this better than the notion I said earlier about us becoming calloused and scared hardened defensive souls??
I do think I was immature and had childish, innocent views of the world. I believed in fairy tales, happy endings, practically the Tooth Fairy. I also saw things in black and white - you love me or you don't, you want to be married or you don't.
I also had a lot of unhealthy views - somehow my H validated who I was, it was OK to put up with abusive behavior for the sake of illusion, I was stuck in a bad marriage and had no choice, etc.
It is much tougher to be a mature adult responsible for my own happiness. But it is better.
OK.. and then we have to take a fresh look at our spouses and see them through our new eyesight, insight and forsight. Suddenly the way the previous relationship was based no longer applies and this could completely upset things. For example I may not actually want/ need to be with spouse. And in the case of Cal there may be a mis-fit situation there too ie she has changed.. so, in fact, he has to change too now.. Or not in that case. So.. for the WS there has to be a great change too potentially for there to be a fit, if only to accomodate the new BS. Yes?
Cal I have to tell you that I too was at that point when we seperated. I gave everything of myself for 12 year and all I expected back in return was love, and anything extra was a bonus. I gave up a very good friend who was my best friend through highschool, because she did not like my ex and wouldn't be in the same place as him. I felt I had a choice, her or him. Well I guess you can see who I picked. I treated my ex so well and spoiled him rotten for so many years that suddenly instead of being a nice thing I did for him, it became my job. I lived for him, not for me. I vow to never make that mistake again. My next partner will be a partner, equally sharing and equally giving. I will try my damndest to ensure the relationship is more equally balanced.
I too believed in fairy tales, and I now realize they were all a lie dreamed up by somebody who wanted us to believe in life, in marriage, in honesty. We were all brainwashed into believing there is a happily ever after and marriage is always perfect and fun. Guess what....its alot of hard work and there are few that get that. It certaintly isn't as it appears on fairy tales. There are always struggles, trials, kids, money issues etc to deal with.
To me it all boils down to the fact that my dreams and hopes were destroyed. Everything I wanted in life just vanished one day and I couldn't get my head around that fact. It took many months of counselling to get to the point of making a new dream.
Cal, you STILL have family. You have some great and wonderful kids that will always be your kids and you will always be their mom. Don't lose sight of those important things in life......
Like Kim, I guess I sorta feel jipped (and violated) in a way, like I have been robbed of my hopes and dreams. I bought the "fantasy" of happily-ever-after, hook, line, and sinker. I thought we were working together towards that shared dream but now I know the truth! It is up to me to pick up the pieces of MY life and create new dreams. At this point, they may or may not include my WH. That has yet to be determined. But regardless, I will carry on with MY life and I will continue to take care of ME and my children. I will be OK no matter what happens
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Oh Cal, I love to hear you sounding so strong and healthy. It is great for you and inspiring for me. Everything you say is so true. While my M steadily improves, it is more important that I improve, recognize my worth and not let anyone trample on it ever again.Thanks.
Beautiful post, it mirrors so many of our experiences here! quite sad to say.
Jerry, yes I think we have to toughen up in order to survive. I find that hardness quite sad also. I am now not so innocent, and will question all situations more both at home and at work.
My H can see this hardness sometimes shining through and has commented that I may react or question a persons motives much more quickly than I would have previously.
Cal, you are correct - we need to work on ourselves to survive. I wish you well.
I too fell for the fairytale hook line and sinker. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and thought only my parents/family had real serious problems. Got married to a man I loved and thought he loved me more than anything else. Even though he cheated on me while we were dating (huh? who's the idiot?). I had a decent career started, but once the 1st baby came along, I cut my hours to pt. I loved being able to be home for my kids most of the time. But the fast career track ended with the pt hours, although I was still doing well working pt. When baby #3 was 2, things got too crazy and we could get by without me working so I quit altogether. That was 4 years ago and I feel like the career track is gone for me.
When I was working pt I felt I could always go back to ft hours at anytime because my skills and knowledge were up to date. I swore I would never quit my job because that could make me financially dependent. But the fantasy life I was leading in my "perfect" marriage told me I had nothing to worry about, Our marriage was rock solid, we were a happy couple and family. i would never have to worry about NEEDING to work, my H would always be there, divorce, that was for unhappy couples, not us. I hate myself for this thinking, it is the biggest mistake I have ever made.
END OF RANT - SORRY
I think we all must come out of this somewhat scared. Trauma can never be erased. But whether the marriage continues or not the scar is still there and you have to accept it, just as you would a physical scar if you had been physically traumatized. But iI am trying to put my marriage back together and don't want to think that my heart is hardened. I want to believe that I now have a more realistic view of life. And YES I will now be looking to myself for my own happiness instead of depepending on my H to make me happy.
