I posted this on the less than one-year board but thought I would check to see if there is anyone in a similar situation actually working.
I'm in the military and stationed in DC. My WH hates it here so decided to stay in Kentucky. He has been having this affair for over 2 years now, I found out last July. I know that if we were together I would have a better chance at fighting for our marriage. As it is, she has access to him 24/7 where I get to come home one weekend a month and have daily phone converstations. I read an article where they say that ending an affair is like giving up drugs. Well he is the addict, and she is the drug and his supplier. I guess that makes me the REHAB center. I can't help him unless he wants it. I have asked him if he wants a divorce and he said he's not sure, he's not sure about what he wants. I have been trying to help him by not putting any pressure on him but now realize that I have been enabling him to continue hurting me and using me without guilt. I have decided to let things go for now, get myself healthy (emotinoally and financially), and next year when I get transferred, I can get my animals and move. I have been trying to build a new relationship with him but until she is out of the picture there is no chance for us; so I am going to tell him that when I come home once a month, I don't want him there (it breaks my heart to see him). I hope that I am done grieving. I have loved this man for the past 18 years and now I have to walk away.
Is there anyone else out there in my situation who is actually working things out?
you talk about asking your H what he wants, maybe think about turning those questions around and focus on what you want. he cant answer you, but you can answer yourself. maybe work on what you want and see if he follows, if he doesnt then you have an answer and the opportunity to rebuild a new life mate - sad as it is.
I want my husband, my marriage, and my life back. He knows what I want and the fact that he isn't sure about what he wants leads me to believe that he isn't as in love with her as he thinks. Her and her 2 boys are a fantasy family that he can have at his whim. When he gets tired of them he can go home to his place of solitude.
Up until recently, I have allowed him to maintain the quality of life we had together; now he is having to live within his own means and constantly complains that he can't make ends meet. He is waiting for me to offer support but I'm not giving in. I also told him that I didn't want to see him as long as he is still seeing her; so when I go home for my monthly visit he is going to have to go and stay with his fantasy family without having a place to run back to. I'm letting him have a taste of what starting over will be like.
This is all very hard for me to do but my priority now is my animals and my future (with or without him). I sound like I am strong, but I cry everday and I pray for patience and guidance. I was supposed to grow old with this man, I can't see my future without him so I remain hopeful that in the end he will realize that our 18 years totally outweigh the 3 he has been with her.
hon, you do sound strong and you seem to be doing the right thing, you are putting where he thinks he wants to be, that is good.
and yes, you were meant to grow old with this man, but that was on what you knew before, is it what you still want now, despite his 'moving away'.
if it is, that is good, but you wont know until he has finished what he needs to do or is "forced" to do.
ultimatley you will know if he is still the man you want to spend you life with, if he isnt, then it is HIS loss hon, not yours.
take care
kath
ps keep being strong, i know it is tough - been there done that and got the tshirt, i hope things work out for you, remember noone is worth losing out on.
I am a female Chief Petty Officer in the US Coast Guard, I have learned to hide my weaknesses. You cannot be a strong leader of men if they see you crumble. My self-confidence is gone, I am operating on instinct. I find myself questioning every decision I make. How can I be resposible for managing a team when I couldn't be resposible for managing my marriage. Many times in the military, your job has to come first; I accepted that while he was on active duty and I expected him to do the same for me. However, I am also a workaholic and I know I was responsible for letting that get in the way. I didn't go home as much as I should have and I know he got lonley; but I also spent many years alone while he was gone and never once did I consider being with another man. He is weak, I know that now.
Yes, I have given him the freedom to "find himself" and in the end I might lose him. My head tells me this is the right thing to do but my heart is breaking all over again. I cry so much when I am alone that I don't even realize when the tears start falling. At one time, I told myself that each teardrop held a piece of my heart and that sooner or later my heart would be gone and there would be nothing left for him to break. How many more tears must fall before there is just an empty space.
I love this man with all my heart but I no longer respect him and when we do reconcile, I will no longer consider him to be my best friend. I don't think my love will ever be given unconditionally again. How said I am to feel this way.
Next weekend will be my first visit home under our new separation agreement. It will be extremely hard because it is also his 50th birday and he will be spending it with her and not me. Next month will be our 19th anniversary and he will be spending it with her and not me. On Mother's Day she will be the one getting breakfast in bed, not me. This next year is going to be hell but I have to hang on and continue to pray for patience and strength.
For some reason I don't feel like my marriage is going to end. I accept that it may happen but I still feel that he is going to come back. I know my husband and now that this affair is out in the open the OW will put pressure on him to get the divorce and he isn't sure he wants it. This affair is not as "fun" as it used to be, it's become a challenge and a source of stress. My husband has always taken the easiest road; divorce and raising a new family is the hard road. Maybe I am in denial, I don't think I am.
I read your post on the 18th and have been trying to find time to reply. What really triggered me is the age difference of OW and your H. My H was 49 and OW was 24 on d day 7 years ago.
I understand to most people the age difference seems ludicrous and an A at this age seems like a mid life crisis. My H used the same analogy on me but after uncovering the truth and reasons why he was a ready and willing partner, I realised the betraying was going on in many different ways most of our 26 year marriage.
My H asked for a few days to let OW down slowly and I flat out refused it. I told him he could write a farewell letter by himself but we would both go through it before he sent it.
That was the last we heard from OW when she replied back. Then and only then did our healing start.
OW had supplied my H an atmosphere to live in a state of pure ego. However we all know living in ego is not real. The main objective of stroking each others ego was to kept the romantic fires burning.
Real everyday life didn't concern them.
I think you are doing the right things laying the law down about him having no contact with OW if he wants to reconcile with you. However remember he has been manipulated by this woman for a long time. Does your H know about the crying when you are alone and the fact that you love him and want to make this work if he commits to you again?
He needs a clear dose of reality!!!!!!!!!!! I think you are a strong person and even though you feel weak and vulnerable at times I think you know deep down how to do the right things. As you must well know there is a right and wrong decision and a choice to make about almost everything. Trying to accomplish a meaningful relationship between 3 parties is impossible if one person doesn't follow suit. However he is getting away with an awful lot since d day and it is good you realise it. Stand your ground and maybe he will see the light and if not he wasn't the man you thought he was.
Remember the greatest gift any one of us can give in life is the gift of ourselves. In a marriage or committed relationship there isn't room for 3 unless every one agrees on it.
H and I are still together but the work and commitment it takes is ongoing to nourish the marriage.
Amber, I am so glad your husband realized what was important. My husband isn't ready to give up the OW yet. Yes, she is manipulative and he can't see it because she is too naive and innocent to be that way.
He knows I cry and he knows how much this hurts me. He knows how much I love him and he knows how important our marriage is to me. However, he thinks he is so in love with her (yet he still hasn't asked me for a divorce) and as long as she accepts him he will continue to want to be with her.
I told him to find himself and I know it was the right thing but I also feel like I gave him permission to continue hurting me. I have to hold on until I get transferred to a place where my animals can be with me. I do know one thing about me, once I make a decision to walk, the bridge will be burned.
