Yesterday I was overwhelmed by feelings of despair. It started out with such an isolated, innocent moment. As I looked at my W sitting by computer, a thought entered my mind reminding me that she was with someone else. A split second…a day of pain. I do not even know what acted as a trigger but I do know that I am tired. Tired of feeling like this, tired of looking at her and thinking these bad thoughts. Tired of feeling sad, hurt, worried, anxious, angry, inadequate and every word you want to throw in there. I feel like I just don’t care about anything. Last night those feeling just became too much and I was sobbing uncontrollably. I really feel emotionally drained.
This message has been edited by hartbroken44 on Apr 23, 2007 10:27 AM This message has been edited by hartbroken44 on Apr 23, 2007 10:13 AM
My first thought as I read your post was to suggest that you visit your DR. he may be able to prescribe a mild anti depressant for you to help you get thru this trauma. PTDS ( Think that is what it is called)..many of the members here have used some form of a medication.
Next get into see an IC...that will help you also.
Time heals but sometime it needs some help.
take care,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I completely agree with Pat. Please go to the Dr. I could have written your post a few years ago. I became utterly suicidal and that becomes a whole new battle. I could have stopped it in it's tracks, had I gotten help in the beginning. I spiraled so far down that a friend literally flew to LA and took me to the Dr. It gives me chills when I think back. Please get some help and you will feel stronger soon. Hugs, E
Although I am not familar with your particular situation(whether your spouse is remorseful, trying to work things out or not), I do understand your feelings. After 16 months, I am still feeling the feelings you describe, although not all the time. Some times are what I call "sweet moments". My WH is remorseful, and we are trying to work things out, but sometimes it feels like maybe it won't work out, like maybe it can't with knowledge of those horrible, hurtful events between us. I often feel like I am going crazy or like I've already gone crazy.
I have been going to IC for about a month now and that helps. I have also recently started going to Dahn Yoga classes and that is really helping. It is not so much helping the relationship directly, but rather helping to quiet my mind and spirit. I would recommend it to anyone in our situation. It certainly can't hurt.
I will add you to my prayers. I wish you peace. I hope someday we can all actually feel happiness again.
Thank you Debbie, for the kind words and for keeping me in your prayers. My story is posted on my profile if you care to take a look. You should be able to view it if you click on my sign in name. Thanks again and hope that you too find happiness
Many here know of your pain and the hurt of being cut off - isolated. Depression is a word you use and it is possible. I would not rush off to your doctor without thinking and taking time to see if you have a problem which is down to a long term chemical imbalance etc.. I know there are those who can only live adequately with some drugs but I look around at our society today and I see a very high level of beheviour supression through medication and I feel we may be burying some problems that need to emerge - My view may not be popular I recognise. To me there is much to be gained by experiencing our pain and living through it face to face. And for me personally I have found the basis of my healing, such as it is, has come from dealing with the pain and experiencing the worst of it. I also do many other things to help myself including daily meditation, regular physical exercise and other things that bring me sustenance like listening to music, walking in the country and sharing my feelings with others - the last one being extraordinarily helpful (as here on HH!).
My heart goes out to you, and all of us. This is just what happens. Sometimes, we really don't know what triggered it, but you are so right... a couple of seconds gives us a whole day (or week) of misery again. After 3.5 yrs from D Day #1, I am finding the triggers are dissipating. So are my 'visions." BUT... when I get hit, it hurts just as bad as before. Just not as long. I became very suicidal during the four "rounds" of my H's affair...He'd say if was over, but would just find a new way. It was a living hell. But, I'm still alive, and that's a good thing. I was too stubborn to take anti-depressants, but I wish I had done that now. It would have helped, I think. The level of depression in some of us gets so severe that we can't even really SEE sometimes. It's amazing and horrible what affairs to do people. But, the triggers will lessen and time will heal. I'd suggest a doctor and a counselor. Perhaps look on the Web at the Beyond Affairs Network, and see if there is a support group in your area. It's a great thing. Take good care. Debby
