One thing I don't see discussed much is the fact that the BS has the burden of carrying the secret of their WS'S affairs forever if they have children while the WS knows we will never say anything because we don't want our children to find out their parent is a cheater.
Is this just another cross we get to bear as BS'S?
I know it just adds more pain to us on top of everything else we get to live with for the rest of our lives.
Who told their children and were glad or regretted it?
We have not told out children (all adults)...we decided that if H cheated again he was out, gone and the children would be told the whole story. we are 4 1/2 yrs past D-day 2 and we both are happy that we didn't tell out children.
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
When my storm broke on d-day I found out that my wife was continuing to lie to my daughter (grown up but living at home then) within half an hour of D-day exposure. I may have been in shock but I found myself overwhelmed by the tide of deceit that had flowed for so long. I simply said that I would not tolerate any more lies in my home and with our children in particular. I felt that I had to call a halt to the flow. I also wanted my wife to stand up and face her own actions (she is still getting there even now). I then found I was unable to cope myself without the help of some old and trusted friends that we had both shared. Since that day I have asked myself and my children if I should have shared and they are absolutely clear that this was right for us. I do not believe they are simply saying this and I know they have the extra pain to bear. But.. the truth is that they were being hurt already and exposing the A has had the affect of helping us all to face the wounds already caused. I feel the outcome has been way better because we shared in a limited and controlled way with those around us who we loved and who we needed at this time to provide a holding and safety net to catch us and keep us from losing connection with life in general.
But, I have also learned from others here that what suits one situation does not mean it will suit another. We all have to make our own way.
After DDay #3, I finally insisted we tell our children (all grown, but home occassionally for a weekend) about our situation. I had moved out of the bedroom and our thinking was that they would see this change and wonder what was going on. This came after keeping the secret of our "problems" for over 2 years. I just couldn't keep "putting on a front" that everything was fine.
It's interesting that my youngest daughter who was living at home at the beginning of H's A (before my discovery)and when I told her that we were having problems (without going into detail) she said she knew that something has been wrong for a long time.
The kids were somewhat upset by the news but understanding and said we should do whatever would make us happy. I did tell them it was me that wanted a seperation, not their father.
Later my oldest son asked me for details of what was going on. He asked if it was another woman, and I said yes. I didn't go into a lot of detail. My oldest daughter also asked me and I told her that H had cheated and she was upset about it but really didn't want us to get a divorce. My other son hasn't really asked me anything about it, but probably knows from his syblings. My youngest has supported me in my decision and has said that I should live my life and make my decision for what will make me happy. She thinks that I could be happy as a single person if that will be my decision.
My IC says that I should open myself up to my children and let them "support" me and that it would allow them to be closer to me emotionally. I have tended to keep everything inside and not burden them, but she says that by doing that I'm also keeping them at a distance and I am having to deal with everything pretty much by myself which is difficult and lonely.
I still find it hard to talk about it with them but will if they bring it up or when I am able to bring it up myself at an appropriate time. Sharing your feelings with your GROWN children doesn't mean you will necessarily destroy their relationship with their father. They are old enough to make their own decisions about this situation. So far it hasn't hurt their relationship with their father, although I have the feeling that for my youngest girl and boy, they are closer to me...
Actually this has been discussed many, many times, just not so much recently. The choice to tell the children or not is a very personal one and I feel it should be made as a couple. I feel it depends on the ages of the children and your particular circumstances. The burden should not be yours alone to bear though, especially if you are trying to reconcile.
If there is any chance at all the children may hear of the A from someone else, even accidentally, and if they are old enough to understand then it is in your best interests and the child's to tell the child. If they hear it from others they will most likely hear many lies and will feel very betrayed themselves. As parents it is our duty to protect our children but not to be overprotective. If you decide to tell the children make sure it is age appropriate for each child individually.
I think most children know that something is going on and will feel more at ease if you just talk to them a little and ease their anxieties. All my children know is that Mommy and Daddy are having problems and they are trying to work it out. This eased the tension for them, having some sort of sense that their feelings were valid, and for myself because then I didnt feel obligated to always "act" as if everything was fine all of the time.
Best wishes,
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
My two oldest daughters came to me and said, "Is dad having an affair?" They told me that when he got home from work, he would sit out in his work van and talk on the phone for an hour! Boy did that day forever change my life and toss me into hell. My girls lost a lot of respect for their father. So, I don't think it is something you can hide from your children. They know something is wrong. I was so emotionally fried that I believe I would have eventually talked to them about it. I never really discussed it with my younger daughter.
My H has suffered the consequences of HIS actions. Our family is fractured. It's my 3 girls and me up against him most of the time. He treated all of us really bad. And when the "I'm sorry" speeches started, I told him he needed to apologize to his daughters first. The burden was placed on them before me! They love their dad, BUT they don't sugar coat anything. They think he is an ass! Gee, do I sound cynical? Me? The reality of my situation is sad. But, I also think it has made my girls strong and they will never tolerate being treated poorly.
I don't have children, but I do feel that I would tell my children (older..) if I had them. I told my niece right away, and she's like a daughter to me, as I raised her for some time. Of course, she was hurt, and she wants nothing to do with her uncle. But that's HIS problem. I feel that the children, like my niece, would be MORE hurt to have had such a deception pulled over their eyes if they ever found out on their own. And, the secrecy of affairs... Why protect that? It only encourages affairs, and makes them easier and "safer" to have. I protected my H's secret for about a year, because I felt like such a loser and failure. But, as the light came on, and I realized it wasn't about me, I started to tell close friends and other family members. Not to "get back" at my H, but to have SOME honesty in my own life. I came to feel, as I "protected" his huge deception, that it was somehow darkening me. Plus, I felt like there was this huge elephant in the room with the friends and family who did not know. And they wondered where did 40 go off of me, and why? Why was I so depressed? I believe that it's time for the secrecy (which is the slippery foundation) of affairs to be done. Just my opinion and my experience. My niece, now 32, is glad I told her. Best of luck... Debby
