It has been two weeks since I saw the OW in her car. Now my emotions are all over the place again. Like others, I cant believe that the presence of this woman could so disrupt my life STILL! The heart pounding and shear panic I felt come over me when I realized it was HER, still haunts me. It was like a wave came crashing over me...I literally thought I was going to pass out. I just didnt expect it to hurt so much. Now, two weeks later that hurt has turned into anger once again. I thought I was past all that! But I am angry at my H and angry at OW. Please dont tell me how OW should not even be an issue...I know this, but she hurt me too...sleeping with a man, my husband, for 5 years, knowing full well he was married and has children, and only caring about herself. And yes, the same thing goes for my H times a thousand!
Right now I think about her in that car at the light and I am thinking "I helped pay for that car she is driving in and the gas for it...I helped pay for the jewelry she is wearing....I helped pay for the flowers, the cards, the food, the drugs, the booze, and even the very bed she sleeps in every night and that she f-ed my H on, and whatever else she got from my H". I cant help but feel this witch owes me something for taking what was mine....and that includes my H. Why didnt she go out and get her own man? And why did he do this to me...to us? I still dont get it!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I am normally not a vengeful person but it sure pisses me off that she is not suffering at all...that there are no consequences for her, and here I am torn into pieces because of what she and my H did. I know life isnt fair, but sometimes I really feel like a cruel joke has been played on me, and I am just a BIG fool!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
As far as your reaction goes, PTSD has a way of doing that to people. It wasn't that long ago that I thought I was standing behind the OM in a local store, and I was surprised by my reaction. The scary thing about my reaction is that is was very primal, not something involving thought or reasoning. However, extracting myself from that situation and standing back from it I can reason it out in my mind. Hopefully when it really happens I will feel more "in control".
As far as your anger goes, I think is similar to my own experience. It's funny how the angry reactions are delayed like this... I had many times when I had to search to figure out exactly why I felt angry at a particular time.
but I resolved to stand my ground and I did. I gotta agree Cal, it's amazing how mad y'all can get, so fast, and like you say TomJ, it just comes out of the blue. I try not to waste thoughts on OW, when I think of her I make myself sing a little song to myself - and I am sure sick of that song sometimes, but it's better than wasting time on her and what the H**l she thought she was doing. There is no sensible resonable explainable answer.
Cal you are just not done with being angry yet. It will take a while to work itself out. Don't rage at yourself though. Your reaction is totally understandable, like I say, just not finished with. YET.
One of the scarier aspects of this is the total lack of shock or surprise when I read about a murder that involved OM or OW - something in my head just thinks "what made them think they could get away with that?" "what made them think they could do this and not have someone hate them forever for this?" I'm not suggesting this is the right thing to do, but the lack of shock, empathy, sympathy surprises me.
There are times when I think I'm completely over OW and there are times when I still google her name on the off chance I might read about her death in a car wreck or something.
Thank you for your responses. It is nice to know that I am not alone in my feelings, and that they are a normal response to the trauma. I too, now understand how "crimes of passion" occur. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think those types of feelings or thoughts were possible for me, especially since I dont even know this woman. But I feel compelled to tell her off and slash her tires, lol....do not worry, I will not act on these feelings. I do have more restraint than that, lol.
I don't like these feelings at all though and I am afraid to express them to my H, but I really feel I need to tell him. How many of you told your WS about the desire to hurt them and/or the OP? Is it even productive? I am confused about this. But I know that my IC would say to tell him, and to stop holding it in. Why am I so worried about my WS's feelings? I guess cause things have been going well and up until this incident we both seemed pretty happy. It's like I am throwing a monkey wrench in and ruining things, although I know I didnt cause this...it is still hard to talk about, but I know I need to, and I will. I know many of you have felt this way as well. But if I dont speak up it blocks the healing process probaly for both of us.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
>How many of you told your WS about the desire to hurt them and/or the OP? Is it even productive? I am confused about this. But I know that my IC would say to tell him, and to stop holding it in.
Yes, I shared these feelings with my wife. In fact, I found it necessary and prudent to tell her about the feelings, because they always found a way to expression (some kind of angry outburst) if I didn't discuss them with her. In order to allow her to feel less defensive about the comments, I would try to phrase it like this... "I feel angry right now, and it is leading me to want to..."
>Why am I so worried about my WS's feelings? I guess cause things have been going well and up until this incident we both seemed pretty happy. It's like I am throwing a monkey wrench in and ruining things, although I know I didnt cause this...it is still hard to talk about, but I know I need to, and I will. I know many of you have felt this way as well. But if I dont speak up it blocks the healing process probaly for both of us.
I agree that it blocks healing, because it doesn't allow him the opportunity to comfort you and build trust by how he treats you, and it doesn't allow you to show him caring by expressing your feelings without attacking him with them. For me, it was more important to see if my wife cared enough for me and for our relationship to react compasionatly than it was to preserve the peace. Since there was no peace in my heart (with respect to the relationship), it didn't matter much to me if there was peace on the surface of the relationship.
Cal, I so, so relate to the anger and need for revenge. I just feel so thwarted in this area with no place to put my rage. I have lashed out at H and even woke up in the middle of the night and started to hit him when I thought about how I had acted as his babysitter so that he could have A's. Since he has shown his remorse, I have lashed out at him less but the fury towards the OWs is still very potent.
Like you, I feel that they have gotten out of this unscathed. In fact, one OW is still walking around with a letter from H saying that she was the one he wanted to marry. Since A's happened so long ago (7 years prior to D Day), a letter to OW was really inappropriate - didn't want her to think that he thought of her at all. I found out that OW was getting married and went crazy thinking that the best year of her life was the worst in mine.
My IC has been somewhat helpful. She says that I don't know what OWs are feeling and that it is just as likely they feel rejected, used, humiliated and see me as the winner. And, this could be true regardless of what they are saying or doing. The facts are the facts. That helped me somewhat but I do them to feel as hurt and as bad as I have and often fantasize about the things I would say to them if I saw them.
My IC also encouraged me to write a letter to OW and then not send it. It was a masterpiece of venom and cruelty and it did feel good to write it. But I realized that sending it would make me look like a harridan and a lunatic. IC also tells me that revenge will not help me but I think she is wrong on this point - I never thought I would subscribe to the "revenge is sweet" philosophy but on this issue, I do.
My H does know and appreciate my need for revenge and we talk about my anger a lot. It does help to know that he understands how I feel.
As painful as it is, I have decided to behave as someone with self esteem would - the OW's are beneath me, don't matter to me and no longer effect my life - and I say that over and over and over, hoping that it will be true.
Oh boy, does this resonate with me. Because H has to have professional contact with OW she is still in our lives. There is going to be a celebration of H's work soon and he is allowed to invite professional colleagues. He said of course he wouldn't ask OW, and I said, "Well it's OK with me - it would look strange if she's not there. As long as I'm there by your side the whole time it would be all right." He said he didn't think it would be a good idea, and I realised that just at the thought of seeing her my heart was racing, adrenaline pumping, rage building, on high alert. Bless him, he was right. I wouldn't scratch her eyes out (would make sure the fingernails were blunt before I saw her) but neither of us would be at all comfortable.
Another time I realised that I have this primal response to her (as TomJ said) was when H's female work colleague who also had an A walked past me at a social gathering. She became substitute OW and I just couldn't look at her or be at all friendly with her. Same response: huge adrenaline rush and desire to do something outrageous, even though she's not H's OW.
So however far down the healing track we are, the thought of OW and what the A stole from us is still highly emotionally charged. I want to think I'm a sensible mature person who can deal with this rationally: H is with me, hasn't made any advances to OW for two years, feels sick at the thought of what he did in the past, OW is not a threat to me because he has no feelings other than embarrassment and shame towards her, so I don't need to worry about her or respond to her. But their A stole 2 1/2 years of my life, my marriage, my confidence and security, and that's hard to forget.
You both summed up my feelings. I had not really thought about OW for awhile until last Sunday when I saw her in her car. Up until then I was doing pretty good lately. I know this is a minor setback and I will continue to move forward after I battle this demon.
Thank you all for being here for me
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Today I find myself still feeling angry. Angry that I have not had a chance to talk to H due to his work schedule. And I find myself wanting to start a fight with him! Why is that? I can only guess it's because I need to let it out and I have not had the opportunity to do so. I am frustarted and dont know where to go with these feelings in the meantime...so here I am!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Of all the emotions that I've expressed to H since all this started -- fear, anger, love, hatred, jealousy -- and all the spin off reactions of doubt, mistrust, revenge
Of everything -- what he understands the least is the anger towards OW. I really hope she dies a horrible death and soon would suit me just fine. (I don't want to be a part of this, I'm just waiting for the universe to regain balance when Satan calls her home) He sees her as a non-issue and just cannot seem to understand what he calls "my dislike"
He has/had her so compartmentalized into something outside of "us" that he thinks that I should only be angry at him and alternately sees her as some kind of victim or a person so helpless against his manly allure that she can't be held at fault.
Most of these feelings I've had to deal with on my own. He'll listen but this is one area he just doesn't 'get'
Well, I finally got to express some of my feelings about seeing the OW that day. WH held me, and told me he was sorry, and that he loves which is nice and all. At least I got to say my peace and let it out. It helps, but I wish he would say something to me to let me know how he feels about it. It is hard always being the only one who shares their feelings while the other just sits there. I dont really know how he feels about anything A related. When I ask him how he feels all he ever says is "ok". When ask him to elaborate on "ok" and what does "OK" mean, he just shrugs his shoulders. It is so frustrating! But this is how he has been communicating for the last 7 years. He just keeps his feelings in and to himself. But what boils my blood is that I am sure he was able to share his feelings with OW. Otherwise what would be the point of having an A? Since it lasted 5 years altogether, it obviously wasnt just about the sex. He said they had a "realtionship". So where does that leave me, huh? I hope he is at least sharing his feelings with his IC.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Boy, aren't you glad the fires are over, for now? I thought we were going to lose the Greek Theatre and the Observatory. Did you get any of the ashes? I hope you are feeling better, it just takes time. I know what a setback it is, like getting punched in the stomach. Your H looks like he really wants to make it work with you. I don't understand how they think not talking about it helps!!
My skag (you know the one) has started leaving voice mails weekly. He obviously is not calling back, because she was whining about that! Ha. I understand your anger, just get it out. Have you let the H know it is building up?? Just don't do anything you could regret. Take it out on the treadmill. Some of my best thigh busting workouts were on my Gazelle, using the OW's as the target! And I lost 2 pant sizes.
When I was pregnant with my first, then the second...my H's ex-girlfriend kept calling and calling. She called me all kinds of names etc. Boy she really couldn't get over the fact that he was gone and married!! For a long time! Who calls up a pregnant lady and cusses them out?? A psycho. Anyways, one night way after the kids were born etc. probably a year later. I was driving by where she lived and I thought I would just check it out to see if she still lived there. Yep, there was one of her cars...so I slammed right into the side of it, put it into reverse and smashed it again. Shocking isn't it? Who was the psycho?? Me. I allowed this loser to get to me. Thank God it was over 20 yrs. ago. I thought I had come so far and I have. BUT, I know I should not be messed with because eventually my fuse gets very short.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't let any anger build up. Because we suffer in the end. It's somewhat comical what I did, but I know it really showed a very ugly side of me and only a couple of people know I even did that. Take care and get rid of the anger. Hugs, E
Anger really causes us to lose control...wedding rings in ponds, pictures thrown away,... we can all add to the list.
I hope that you and Cal don't suffer and damages during the wildfires out there. stay safe.
Cal ,
I agree that your H is trying to show you he is there for you...it is little steps... he has had years of not being open it will take time to get him to open up again...work with love.
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
