I haven't posted for a while. I was reading Sunflower's post on the unfaithful military wife and thinking of how hard it is to be separated from your spouse, and how much harder when there is an affair history between you. For those who don't remember, my H had a physical affair with a work colleague in another state for 16 months then an emotional connection with her for another year. That finished in August 2005, so it has been nearly 2 years and he has done everything right since he came out of the fog 2 years ago.
My issue now is that he accepted a new job in another country. It's what we both wanted, to get away from here and all the triggers of the places they were together, the people who know. We wanted a chance to start over like we were newlyweds. But when he got the job, I didn't realise he would have to take it up so soon (in his business there is often a year lead time between appointment and starting the job). Now he has gone overseas to the new job and I am left at home finishing up my job and dealing with the issues of our two children (21 and 17) who I will be leaving here at the end of the year.
He contacts me several times every day. I have access to all known e-mail accounts. He gives me detailed schedules for all his activities. He says he misses me desperately and knows how hard this is for me. We are in contact more than we ever were when he was travelling to see OW, and he treats me with the same love and romance he did her, only better because he feels comfortable and it's real not fantasy. So why do I resent it so much? Why am I having such a hard time getting through this?
I am not contemplating an affair and I don't really think he is, but I hate that he is now in a position where he could easily cheat on me again and I might never know. I hope that he is aware of the risk situations and takes pride in his ability to recognise them and do the right thing (as FWS have said on posts on Open) but I just can't accept that he has left me to deal with this. He has asked for a huge trust from me and maybe he has earned that trust over the last 2 years, but the bottom line is I feel he shouldn't have asked it of me. He lied to me so well and so thoroughly throughout the affair so how can I ever know what is the truth from him? How can he expect me to accept this absence complacently when there is so much about it which is reminiscent of his time with OW?
I guess I'm at a low point today. He has been gone 4 weeks and there are another 4 weeks until we join him for a brief visit, then I will be alone again. Everything about this situation would make it easy for him to cheat, with perfectly plausible explanations - he has to open a new bank account for his pay, so he has a credit card which I don't currently have access to; he has a new e-mail account which his secretary opens, but could easily get a private one through work as well; he travels a lot away from the new office and has to be out of e-mail contact; our time zone and his are so different that it would be hard to catch him out. In my heart I trust him - I think he hurt himself so much by his affair that he doesn't want to do anything like it again - but my brain keeps telling me I'm a fool. This sucks! Thank you for being there for my vent.
I totally relate to your feelings. I too am close to two years from D Day and H has changed in so many positive ways. He doesn't want to go back to that sad, dark place any more than I want him to go there. We are both sickened by what happened but have learnt so much from it all.
Yet, I still need to keep very tight tabs on him. I need to know his schedule every day and he needs to be available at all times. If he doesn't have his phone with him, I totally freak out. And, he is very understanding - I don't think he likes being monitored so closely but he knows it is necessary for now.
So, I understand how challening it is to deal with your H being overseas. It brings up all those all fears and feelings. I will tell you what my IC tells me and maybe it will help you more than me - the truth is that people do what they want to do and all the surveillance in the world will not stop them. Our feelings of distrust are reality-based and reasonable but we cannot live our lives in fear of what they may do.
I know that I will do anything to avoid those early days of betrayal and like you, I hate the idea of being made a fool of again. But I know that I can't control him - I can only control myself and that is hard enough.
I have told him that if he ever has another A, I may not find out immediately but I will find out and our M will be over. That is all I can do.
I am talking a good game but I have an overseas business trip in a couple of weeks and I am taking him with me...it will be a nice vacation for us but the truth is that, in part, I want him to come with me because I don't want to leave him alone here. I hate feeling and behaving like a prison warden and hope that with time, that need will go away . In the meantime,it often feels like I am the prisoner - of my worries. Infidelity is a bad deal for WS's all around, with so many side effects.
Sorry to ramble but I wanted you to know that you are not alone with those feelings and I can only hope that with time, we will be able to trust again.
I have no advice since I have never had to endure a long time seperation from my WS. Just wanted to tell you that I am thinking of you through this tough time and to send ((((hugs))) your way.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
this is the hardest thing to face...trust is not there yet and the questions are close to the surface.
I hope that you are able to talk on the phone and that you have good conversations...taking time to listen to what he says is key and he does the same with you. You need to tell him your fears...and hopefully give him some trust that he won't seek out other women...would you find out ...Yes at sometime you would sense the infidelity.
We all think ( at times) we are fools to stay in a marriage when there has been infidelity...so don't put stock in that...listen to your heart right now ...trust until you find you can not trust...you are aware what he is doing...where he is spending his time...but just talk and talk some more...and then listen to him.
((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
i have a couple of comments to make about your post but firstly i want to say that it must be tough with him being away and another BUT
- he hasnt asked you to trust him, it sounds like you are asking yourself that and putting it onto him. he has just gone to a new job, out of your view and you cant see what is happening. all you can see is the contact he makes with you and you have to TRUST that his contacts and actions are true. he isnt putting that onto you, it just is the situation. you might be putting it onto yourself hon.
my other thought was this, while he is away he cant see what you are doing, so maybe he is anxious about that too, maybe he contacts you for this reason as well as wanting to be in contact with you.
my other other thought is even if he was at home, like before, and hiding stuff you wouldnt know anyway.
so he could be in your country, state, suburb and home hiding stuff from you or overseas and hiding nothing.
me thinks it is probably the latter, but your experience makes you doubt that or at least fear the risk of something happening. if something was going to happen it would happen no matter where he is mate.
take care and enjoy the opportunity to go and live with him somewhere else, your kids are grown, work toward a new life for the both of you.
hugs
kath
ps, but if you join him do you have to give up your work etc???? that might be a bummer!
Thank you Susan, Cal, Pat and Kath for your thoughts and support.
You're right, he could just as easily be cheating on me here. I think it's more of a trigger than a real worry, because travel was his excuse to visit OW, so when he is away living in hotel rooms it really gets up my nose and makes me anxious.
I want to trust him and he is doing everything to earn that trust. This separation would have been difficult even without the A, so adding that on just increases my stress and resentment. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and yet maintain a degree of skeptisism and detachment.
I do think the thought of getting involved in an affair again makes him physically feel sick. He hurt me, he hurt OW, but above all he hurt himself. It will be that more than me which will keep him faithful. Plus he knows that there are no more chances. I just will not go through this a third time.
Hi Liz - I really can appreciate how you feel since our Hs are in similar work. We too contemplated a move, in fact to your country, and because of the nature of his work at the time it was likely he would be back here possibly for extended periods. It was 3 years post d-day and I just wasn't ready. There were other factors that would have made it difficult but I knew rightfully or wrongly I didn't have enough trust in him. It isn't quite the same as trusting someone when he is home - I just don't think so. It's so much easier to hide things if you are physically away for extended periods. For me too the A happened on business trips always because it was so much easier to compartmentalize the guilt and his life with her and with me that way. I too do practical things to stay connected - we have from the very beginning of postA life. We call each other frequently during the day and email - I think in our M I have always underestimated the importance of small gestures, never realised how really important these things are to my H and to staying connected with him. Fortunately my H was not able during the A to connect with her and still be affectionate and warm with me - his compartmentalizing couldn't go that far. Everything that was not working well at that time just went worse, so I'm quite sure I would now see the difference if it ever happened again but I know now (it's been 5 years) it 95% won't - for the reasons you said as well - decency (not wanting to go back to something that in retrospect is acknowledged as shameful), and the other is I know I matter, and I know losing me would devastate him.
But still would I be okay if I were in your situation? I would absolutely feel what you do because of the extended time and the extended distance. I can't seem to completely shake the vulnerability - I know he could because he did and my own insecurities say there may be someone out there who is smarter, more exciting, more attractive, younger, and who is attracted to him and willing - she may not even have to have all of these qualities!
I do think I would do two things - make sure we stay connected not just about issues we need to talk about but sharing fun, positive stuff and
make sure I was doing fun stuff for myself so that he doesn't have the perception that I am sitting at home and worrying.
When do you move? MM
Thank you for that. I know you understand the issues because of of the similar jobs. You said "I do think I would do two things - make sure we stay connected not just about issues we need to talk about but sharing fun, positive stuff and make sure I was doing fun stuff for myself so that he doesn't have the perception that I am sitting at home and worrying." I realised that I had been pretty negative with him over this week. It's the halfway mark in the current separation and I feel very unsupported. But having read your message I've been making an effort to be positive and share pleasant things as well as downloading.
I don't know what it is like having my H go away for that long, but I know the feeling I get when he goes to a meeting in another town. That is when I get nervous. He is going to one tomorrow-although I do trust him because she does not work with him now-it still brings up the times when they did go together-when things happened on the expressway getting to those meetings-that is what I think about. It then makes me think that I am so glad he decided to move to a different plant and leave her behind.
I would do things for myself also. Start up a new hobby or an old one that you havn't done in awhile. I know my h liked it when I started doing things again. It did give us something to talk about other than the affair or issues related to it. I liked it also because I was showing him I could be independant and if anything should happen I could take care of myself. I think I liked it more than him to tell you the truth. And it should be that way.
Give him the chance to prove himself. He has been doing such a good job so far. Tell him you love him and do something special together when you do see him. Surprise him. It will keep him wondering what you have up your sleeve next time you see him. Make him think of you.
Everything will be fine. Take a deep breath and enjoy yourself.
Laura
