I was reading Chris's thread on Open and I feel so happy for her that she has made such a big step to independence and healing. And it made me feel I'm not going anywhere in this. Help!

As some of you may remember, my H indulged in a 4.5 year, mostly emotional but also physical affair with a work colleague from another state. Since D-day#3 three months ago he has been everything I could have asked: remorseful, open, available, willing to let me vent and download on him, trying to answer all my questions. In return I have let go of some of my anger (not all, for sure), have listened to him, have come to understand. His greatest fear now is that I will leave him.

The problem is that between D-day#2 and #3 he accepted a job in another country. I didn't stop him applying or accepting because I saw it as a way of putting distance between me and the triggers. I wanted to start a new life with him somewhere which held no memories of the A or of OW. Then the new employers put pressure on him to start the job earlier than I had expected and he moved there on his own. Now I am faced with leaving my children, family, friends, home to go to him to his new country, or leaving him there on his own with me visiting several times through the year. His position is highly prestigious and it is a huge advancement for him.

My problem is that I feel manipulated: he got me to agree to the move when I thought he was truly trying to reconcile but in fact he was still clinging on to OW. I asked him not to contaminate the new life with her, but he messed that up. He was still in contact with her and met her for one night in the new place for "obligation sex", because he still felt some responsibility for her. (He now just feels anger towards her, that she couldn't let him go with grace and dignity, so that his reconciliation with me was so badly jeopardised. Duh! But that's another story.) So I feel he is exploiting what he knows of me, my feelings for him, my own sense of responsibility, so that he can do what he wants, yet again. He gets through life with a "no good crying over spilt milk", "let's worry about it if it happens" kind of approach, while I like to foresee any problems and deal with them in my head before they happen. I really don't want to leave my children and an elderly relative. He desperately wants me to come and is terrified that I won't, which is also exploiting me even as it gratifies me that he cares so much.

I am so mixed up. Chris, you seem so strong, determined and independent. How do I get some of that? I know my H wants us to stay together, but he has got us in such a mess with this move and I just don't know how to deal with it.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Liz

What a dilemna Liz!

Honestly, I don't know what I would do. I know I would have alot of difficulty believing it was "obligation sex" - I find his anger at her for not letting him go in a dignified way immature - isn't he too blame for his own actions? Breaking up with her wasn't dependent on her actions - having sex with her wasn't dependent on her neediness. I think it depends on what you feel inside. If you want to move then I wouldn't let her or his actions affect the move but it doesn't sound like you wanted to move for any other reason than to have a place that was not associated with her and now the new one is. But you really don't sound like you want to move. Do you want the life you would have if he gave it up and came back? My guess is he would be very resentful and blame you much as he blames the OW for his actions with her. MM

(((((Liz)))))  I have always been a cockeyed optimist.  I am the type of person that will keep looking until I find at least a glimmer of a silver lining in almost any situation.  Let me dispel an illusion here, I may project an image of strong, determined, and independent because that is what I am choosing to project.  That is what I am choosing to be and what I am focusing on within myself.  I am also insecure, self-critical, have low self-esteem, and scared to death about what is happening in my life and marriage.  These are the things that I am slowing breaking down and trying to dispose of through therapy and analysis. I have no idea what is going to happen.  H has almost totally withdrawn and shares almost nothing personal with me.  Through therapy I have learned and now believe this has nothing to do with me.  These are his problems, not mine, and there is nothing I can do to control them.  What I can control is how it affects me.  I can choose to give him the power to make me feel hurt, angry, and rejected, or I can choose to keep the power to focus on things in my life that make me happy, vibrant, strong, and wonderful.  It has been incredibly difficult to speak to my husband and hear some of the things he says and put them aside.  I have to tell myself over and over and over that he is doing what he is doing to himself and it is not because of me or a response to me. I have many affirmations that I repeat to myself.

Liz, my best advice is to do what is best for you.  I can totally understand how you want to move to be with him, yet do not want to leave everything you know as familiar behind. 

<<Now I am faced with leaving my children, family, friends, home to go to him to his new country, or leaving him there on his own with me visiting several times through the year. >> Take the power away from your H.  His expressing his fear of losing you is a manipulation of your feelings.  You want to be but cannot be in two places at once. If his new position is indeed a big advancement may I assume that he is also being appropriately compensated?  Have you thought about taking control of the situation?  Tell him that you have felt manipulated by him and his company and that to make this work you need to do the following: 

These are just my suggestions based on the assumption that you want to be with your H and continue rebuilding your marriage.

1.  Sit down and prepare a calendar for yourself; pick a set-in-concrete move date for yourself.

2.  Sit down and think about how often and how much time you would like to spend with your kids, friends, and family "back home" and block those out on the calendar.  Don't short yourself.  It is a long trip and you will probably want to spend several weeks visiting.  3-4 weeks, 4 times a year sounds reasonable to me  

3.  Look at your kids’ holiday schedules and talk with them on when they would like to visit you and your H.  Or even perhaps plan a holiday with them somewhere else.  Block those times out on the calendar.

4.  Tell your H that you are moving to be with him but that you are going to go "back home" on the following dates.  The kids and/or family are going to be visiting you on the determined dates.  TELL HIM that this is what you are going to do.  TELL him that he is welcome to join you on any of your trips, that it is up to him to work it around his work schedule.

Of course it does not have to be any of these things, but what I am suggesting is that you sit down and think about what YOU can do to make YOU feel good and to make a bad situation better and something you can live with.  Do not concern yourself about how what you want and need affects him.  Do not rely on him to do these things.  This is all about YOU.  By doing this you are taking the control away from him and ending his ability to manipulate you. 

I know for me it gave me a sense of achievement.  By regaining control I have been able to start to let the anger and hurt slide away.  By regaining control I have been able to dismiss his involvement with the OW, she is his problem to resolve because I am not willing to share. If he cannot resolve that problem then he will end up dealing with the consequences.  Having my own sense of power and control has been acting almost as a repellent for a lot of the negative feelings because I now have a gameplan for my own happiness that I can live with.  My gameplan has given me control by planning how I will RESPOND to various actions of H's.  I will not just be REACTING to things as they occur.  By doing something of this nature you are feeding your need to foresee and deal with problems before they occur and will also give him a sense of security in that you are with him, yet still keep him on his toes in that you are not letting him manipulate or exploit you.  If he gets angry or upset it is probably a response to his own insecurities, not what you are doing.

Good luck and God Bless

I like what Chris wrote. Very empowering information there Liz. I like the idea of you taking control of the move and not letting H manipulate your feelings. I think it is a fair compromise to the situation....setting dates where you will go home and H having the option of H going with you any time he chooses. The thing is Liz, do what works for YOU.

I also understand your feelings of the OW contaminating your new space. However, she only has that power if you let her have that power over you. You know this LIz, I know you do. You are stronger than that! Take back what is yours...I know you can do it! Do not let her spoil even one more second of YOUR life

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Thank you for the responses.

MM, I appreciate your support. I know you have some idea of how hard it is in my H's profession to avoid the danger situations.

Chris, I had begun to do what you suggested, though not yet as formally as that because I need a bit of flexibility. I am trying to take control of this move and set my own agenda. H is very supportive and understanding of my issues, but the bottom line is he took the job and now he wants me there with him and our kids don't want to come, so the uncertainty falls on me. But he does understand and deeply regrets putting me in this place, so that helps (sometimes). It's hard for both of us to be separated (I know you know about that) but when I'm with him I am anxious about the children left behind. Maybe I'm just worrying too much - they seem to be OK with the idea of being on their own for much of the year.

Cal, thank you for taking the time to give me your support. You are so strong in dealing with your own problems - I hope I can take on some of that strength as I get through this latest issue.

Hugs to all

Liz

Hi Liz,

I am wondering if you have been very clear about how you feel - You are expressing some clear feelings here that I would respond to if I was your H - Have you said these things directly to him.  I am just checking as you seem to be a bit like me and you may be trying to make things ok .. what others have called a fixer mentality that I know I have.  It is up to you to express your feelings clearly to him.  If he is a highly paid executive type then he should recognise a big issue if it is clearly put under his nose. 

His excuses about having sex with OW sound to me like he simply does not know what he wants and has not recognised in himself what he is doing to himself and you and the family.  If I was you I would spell out very clearly exactly how you feel about this and what is acceptable and what is not.  This way you are saying exactly what you feel and you are also expressing your love for him.  He might get it then.  Right now I feel he is off dreaming in executive irresponsibility la la land.  In my view the way the world works it allows big important people to become more and  more detached from reality and, most importantly their own personal reality.  Ask him to face himself in the mirror from time to time!

may you be safe and well