I used to love the holidays. Thanksgiving thru New Years. Christmas was my favorite holiday, and my anniversary is right there in the middle, Dec 10th. This will be my third holiday season since d-day (10/05) and I am miserable. It is supposed to be such a happy time of year and I feel hopeless. I saw a Christmas movie yesterday at the theater with my family and my sister's family and I started to cry. We have a tradition of watching a couple of Christmas movies on Thanksgiving night to usher in the Christmas season and I hope I can hold it together. I don't want to celebrate any of it, Thanksgiving, my anniversary, Christmas or New Year's eve. But I need to put on a good show for my kids. I don't want their holidays tainted by my mood.
Sorry for the depressive mood of this post.
I truly hope that all of you have a wonderful holiday.
Lisa
I am so sorry that you are down right now. I also have always loved the holiday season and am also dreading it this year.
D Day for me was Nov 21 last year and as hard as it was to cope with everything I thought at least I found out before the holidays were ruined by his A. Also I was 8 1/2 months pregnant when I found out about his A and I was thankful that he was "with" me when our third child was born. In January I found out that he never stopped contacting her. I got his cell records and saw that he still called her multiple times a day everyday except the days he was off from work and he no longer called her from home.
So this holiday season I am already panicky as to how to cope with all the memories that weren't "real" last year and I hate him for doing this to me. But we are trying to R so I am trying so hard to not get sucked into the misery.
But it is so hard and it just really sucks.
Just wanted you to know that I am suffering with you. And am sending you ((((((((hugs))))))) and my support toi get through these hard days.
Personally I am committed to total avoidance this holiday season. 10 years ago I went through the holidays dealing with his 1st A. Thankfully it was just us and the kids as we were in Oregon at the time and the in-laws did not come visit. I could barely hold it together that year. I had seen charges hit from Victoria's Secret and a jewelry store and was devestated when I opened my gifts to discover a ski parka and silk long underwear. Not exactly the silk underwear I was expecting!
As the holidays approached this year I started stressing about how I was going to manage surrounded by his family. I could either go through with a false facade and pretend everything was just hunky-dory, or we would tell them what was going on, then have to deal with all the trauma and drama. He would go hunting with his dad most everyday leaving me to deal with his mom and sister. Neither scenario was appealing. I started fantasizing about Christmas on a beach, warm ocean breezes, snorkeling, sun bathing, all my myself. And a lovely fantasy it was. Then he hit me with not returning from Aus until the 21st/22nd (instead of the 9th) which gave us absolutely no time together prior to facing his family so I decided what the heck. My fantasy is now going to come true. Flights and hotel are booked and the kids decided to come with me. Instead of dumping his mess in my lap to deal with and smooth over with his family it is fully up to him to deal with. I have gone from being panicky and stressed about the holidays to tingling with excitement! Will he join us? Who knows! At this point I hope he declines my most gracious offer to let him join us as I believe we will have much more fun without him!
Of course I know I will have to deal with the fallout upon my return, if not before depending on what and when he tells his family. My only response with be to "talk to your son/brother, this is his disaster".
I know what you mean, Lisa. My heart goes out to you -- and to Kelly -- My actual d-day (finding real evidence after all the lies) was also just before my birthday and Thanksgiving last year. That was bad, but then I found some emotional cards and a hotel bill in H's car on Christmas Eve as I ran errands preparing for a dinner for 10 members of his family + friends that was to take place just a few hours later. I was such a wreck, I truly have no memory of that night except that I was panicked because we were leaving on a trip the next morning to see my family. I am truly dreading the holidays this year, as well. Just got through my birthday; H really tried very hard, but I was triggering way too much. I realize that I have to pull it together for the rest of the holidays, especially for my daughter's sake.
Kelly: 8 1/2 month pregnant when you found out?! That must have been unbelievably difficult. You must be very strong.
Chris: you have the right idea! I love it. I am taking a tropical vacation at Christmas, too, but that's where my family lives & my H will be with me. It would probably be much more relaxing alone.
Honestly, I am in no mood for the Holidays either, which is not at all like me. Hope ya all dont mind, I will join the party here. I am thee ONE who is known for her Holiday cheer in my H's family. I buy a present for everyone in the family, mail presents to all of my relatives too...I decorate the trees, and the house, and the business. I send out our personal and business christmas cards and I bake the cookies. The only thing I dont do is make Christmas dinner. That is the older ladies thing in our family and they would kill me if I took that away from them, lol. My WH says I am the one who makes the Holdiays special, at least that's what he used to say. How nice of him...at least he acknowledges something I do. Well, I hope he enjoys the Holidays without me this year....since he doesnt believe in anything anymore, nor is he living at home. Even if you don't believe personally you could at least have a good time anyways, be cordial to your host, and if not for yourself for your children and others around you. But WH can't even do that. If he is unhappy, he makes sure everyone else is too. How selfish! And every since the Christams incident, two years this Christmas, I just have not felt the same about Christmas since.
For those who do not know...two years ago this Christmas I had my moment of clarity...I realized I needed help. I felt paralyzed. My WH was still seeing OW, unknown to me of course but I knew something didnt feel right. It was raining. WH got angry because he could not escape outside to go off an smoke his joint while at his aunts house for Christmas dinner. So he came back inside, said we were going. We all hopped in the car, my car! WH said he was driving and took off before our little one was even buckled into his car seat. He immediatley started driving like a mad man. When we got onto the main road he started speeding even faster....the light ahead was turning red...me and the kdis yelled stop...they started crying...and he went even faster...he ran the red light...in the rain, with the little one not buckled in the back. The kids were crying...I tried to calm them down. And Wh seemed to get even angrier because we were all yelling and crying. Then he was about to pass someone and I yelled "dont you dare", which made him even angrier but he didnt pass the guy, thank God, but he did ride his tail all the way home. Eventually we arrived home safely. The kids ran inside to change their clothes and to play with their new toys. And WH went on the porch to smoke his joint! The whole nasty incident was about him needing to get high! I couldnt believe it! He risked our lives and purposely endangered us so he could get home and smoke his joint. And then he wanted to have sex with me....or should I say he insisted on having sex with me. I felt dirty, ashamed, and powerless. I couldnt stop this man...and I did nothing. The next day I posted on the boards about what had happened. Pat sent me and email and recommended me to her IC. Pat and her IC have been a godsend to me. After seeing my new IC for about 6-7 months I got the courage to hire a PI and find out the truth (d-day 2, 8/2007), and kicked WH to the curb. WH wiggled hi way back in by promising NC with OW and stop smoking pot. As soon as I thought he was sincere and doing all he could, I let him back in. But he was only fooling me. Eventually I worked my way back to kicking him out once again (10/30/2008)...for lying and for continuing to smoke pot behind my back...who knows what else he may have been or is still lying about.
He has proved to me over and over again that he cannot be trusted. And as long as he continues this same pattern of behavior I will not trust him and I will not let him back in.
So yeah...I am not looking forward to the Holdidays. I've had enough bad experiences in my life. Not to mention that I have no family of my own out here...all WH's relatives...so yeah, that's real fun too!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I know what you mean. I really don't like this time of year either I had a big trigger last night which left me shaking. I so hate WS for doing what he did to me. I just have to suck it up and move on one way or another. I blame him for the sadness that the holidays bring me....not to mention my birthday and even my son's birthday. I like the idea of taking off during the holidays with the kids and I...not him. But what do I say to the kids? I know they would want him there so way waste the money? The one thing that I have begun to do is take a weekend cruise with my sister during the summer. I thought about doing it again during the Christmas holiday (and my birthday time).
I don't post much, but do when I can offer any degree of hope(which seems to be SO lacking after an affair). My D-day was Oct 20, 04 and this year is the FIRST year I am actually somewhat happily anticipating the holidays.... for the past three, I went only thru the motions. I really did not participate much in decorating the tree, and the cooking & baking just felt like a chore. I am pretty transparent so I am sure it was evident to my children as well, which I hated. It has been so nice this year to have fun shopping/making presents/etc. I was becoming so afraid that nothing would ever be joyful again.
I will pray for your continued healing and that you find some joyous moments during the holidays this year.
I am joining the party - holidays...bah humbug.
My h even noticed that I am no longer the 'chipper' holiday person. I turn off Christmas music on the radio, I had no urge to do Thanksgiving this year (we usually cook) and Christmas is a month away and I don't care. At all.
I 2003 when my marriage was falling apart I barely made it through Christmas. I knew he was talking to her, spent a night with her here in Chicago (said he was in Denver, HA!) and then I caught him on his cell on Christmas Eve---he said a co-worker called to wish us Happy Holidays. I threw him out 2 days after Christmas. I can't actually find a holiday the A hasn't touched. Perhaps flag day is free.
I understand not wanting to celebrate holiday's...but many of us 'fake it' through for the kids. I find myself making many negative comments about the holiday's and find I have to catch myself...because it is carrying over to them.
Okay...let's find a way to make it through!!!!
Denise
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"
I had a big trigger last night which left me shaking. I so hate WS for doing what he did to me. I just have to suck it up and move on one way or another. I blame him for the sadness that the holidays bring me....not to mention my birthday and even my son's birthday. I like the idea of taking off during the holidays with the kids and I...not him. But what do I say to the kids? I know they would want him there so way waste the money? The one thing that I have begun to do is take a weekend cruise with my sister during the summer. I thought about doing it again during the Christmas holiday (and my birthday time).