How do you get past the intimacies WS shared with OP? H has been open with me regarding the things he discussed with OW, and apparently he discussed anything she wanted. H is not a very open person and you need to ask him pointed questions to get info from him. She asked and he told her so many things, nothing was off limits, our marriage, me, our kids, his family, his deceased mother, my family, our friends.
She even had the nerve to ask him if he wanted her to go to the cemetary with him to visit his mother's grave,he claims he said no, but I have my doubts. If I find out she went to the cemetary with him, that will just kill me. His mom passed away when we were dating for about a year, her death was untimely and there was/is a lot of family guilt surrounding her death. I am the one who held him together and helped his family through that time. The fact that he shared the ordeal of his mom's death and the circumstances of it with OW are very hurtful to me, if he allowed her to visit the cemetary with him that will just be devestating.
It is the emotional intimacies that really hurt the most. Of course the sexual encounters are also painful, especially since most of them took place in my family's van, child car seats and all.
Oh, Lisa. This rings a lot of bells for me. Yuk. You're right; the sexual betrayal is very difficult, but the emotional betrayal cuts deeper and harder.
I feel like my soul and the souls of my children were given away and tainted by just the breath that OW and H spent talking about us. I am sickened that the flu OW had was passed onto my kids and H and OW talked about it; that my kids triumphs in school and heartaches over skinned knees were discussed; that my H discussed hard issues about motherhood with this slut who chose not to have children (too selfish - - wouldn't have been able to have attention off of herself). OW would dole out advice that he was supposed to pass on to me about how I could be a better mother and ways to juggle being a mom and a wife. I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it.
Right after DDay, I called our rabbi and asked if the two of us could go in and see him. I was a wreck. WH wasn't much better. When I explained to the rabbi the kinds of conversations they had about me and my kids, he shook his head gravely and said, "The betrayal is profound." I will forever have that moment in my brain: the rabbi's shock and disappointment and perfectly nailing the depth of my wound.
I don't know if I know everything little thing. I do know from talking with H that this was a manipulation tactic of OW's. For her to wheedle herself more tightly into H's life and have a bigger role there, she pushed, pleaded, persuaded H to talk about everything EVERYTHING with her. By doing this, she made herself part of H's every waking moment. Very much like a spider spinning a web and trapping her prey. She shared everything going on in her life with him, too, but her life was much more boring and self-centered. But she stuck herself into our daily lives by demanding she be privy to everything. She then would take it further and talk about what she'd have done if she was there. From there, she started asking H to think of her when we were doing family stuff. It truly is the stuff of the most horrendous nightmares. I feel used, violated and emotionally raped by OW.
I guess I find some solace in understanding that H was very much duped by this controlling strategic ploy. He still shouldn't have offered us up on a silver platter, but it was a requirement from OW to continue the A.
I think I've learned to not fight the hurt and pain. When I'm really feeling low and defeated by these things, I give myself the time and space to really grieve and to be angry. What OW did should be a crime. What H did was despicable. I understand psychologically why they both did what they did. Its sometimes just very hard knowing our BS lives were just fuel to make their relationship tighter. It hurts that we weren't precious enough to safeguard. I know.
Lisa, I kind of went on and on about my own situation. Sorry about that - - like I said, I understand completely what you mean, all too well.
(((((((Lisa)))))))) I'm sorry its such a bad day. I hope that you either can give yourself time to let those feelings out, or that you can find away to comfort yourself with something that reminds you that life is good and YOU ARE PRECIOUS. Be well. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I think that affair partners seem to share more openly because of the secrecy of the relationship. The WS feels more able to open up, because in their minds, no one knows about them except them. There is an illusion of anonymity. So in the beginning, much is shared. Particularly with someone that does not share easily, there is so much stored up.
I forced myself to see that my husband acted much the same way with the OW that he did with me in the beginning of our relationship, as he did with all the past woman before we met. We are all creatures of habit. I know it hurts, it is as if nothing is sacred, but accepting truth is the only road to healing.
It took me so long to recover from the hurtful truth, that the reason the affair began in the first place, was because he felt he could talk to her about the things in “our” life that were seriously troubling him. It was too hard to come to me, because I was invested in the problem. She was not, and she always took his side. So while the sharing was real, it was terribly lopsided to console him completely, with no consideration at all for his family which were also being effected terribly. It was all about him.
Lisa ,
I also was so hurt about the emotional intimacy that my H shared with the OW...hurt me to the core..the fact that she knew all about my children, me... still makes me angry...but I can not change what happened..as Ami said it was the secret they shared..My H told me that OW defended me, when he was spewing his venom about me, he thought that would make me understand that she had a good heart...he was deep in the fog at that time.
Lisa, some people have traded in their car...painted homes, changed furniture...because the triggers were so frequent and hurtful.
Lisa if the OW did visit the cemetary..she wanted his life to be about her ...she wanted your life, wanted to be you..she was trying to please him make him happy, keep him hooked on her.
My IC pointed out that the actions my H took with OW were all about him...had nothing to do with me, as hurt ful as it was to hear ...it took me sometime to understand that.
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
My H said our relationship was off the table for discussion between him and OW's. "I'm married, will you have discreet sex with me, and let's not talk about my lovely wife." Whatever, the F, like he's such a good guy for announcing that he's looking for a partner who wants to sleep with someone who is planning on cheating on his wife. Anyways, he's probably lying to "protect" me. So, whatever, I'll never have proof of that one unless I call the OWs. And, who knows what their motivations are so I consider the source unreliable. Not worth the effort they mean nothing to me.
I don't know what else they would have to talk about if they didn't talk about his work, his wife and relationship, what the heck did they talk about? Her, I guess. Or maybe they just had sex all the time and didn't actually talk at all. Except to decide on how to spend 5 years of retirement savings away in 6 weeks, bastard.
In any case, to get past the lies and the terrible facts like our beautiful 2 year old Saint Bernard died suddenly while at the vet for unknown reasons and that very day he went to the OW and had a great 3 day weekend with her, leaving me home to grieve by myself thinking he was at a class for work. I can tell you how I get past that.
I just look at it and say "boy was that man checked out!" It is just evidence, upon evidence of how checked out he was from life, our relationship, his responsibilities, his morals, his word, his committment to marriage. Wow! He must have been a terribly lonely, weak, and horrible space to be that checked out that he could do that. I hope I will never be in that situation. I pity the man. (They hate being pitied, its the ultimate torment for a man. So...you see, my bitterness still surfaces from time to time, but the method mostly works.)
I try not to look at it as how much he didn't love me, or how bad our relationship must have been. This is my way to keep my speaking to myself and my head in the space of how this was all about him and not me.
Sometimes the triggers just bring you right back to it like day one. And nothing really works until you get back out of it. Then this type of stuff works for me. Today I was crying in a puddle on the floor. None of this stuff works at a time like that. But, I'm out of it with some lingering bitterness. The incident was just another reminder of how checked out he was.
Just need to add my name to the list of people who understand the horrors of discovering that the person you trusted with your life killed you emotionally.
How about this? OW researched and brought H articles on how children of divorce thrive better than in a bad marriage!!! Even now, I fill with rage that this stupid cow tried to destroy not only my life, but the lives of my sons. And, she told friends about the A and tried to set up double dates so that they could go out "undercover." I am so enraged that H allowed her to expose me to ridicule that way.
She constantly tried to paint me as the big, bad controlling wife. "Oh, so she won't let you stay out all night?" and "You must be on a short leash if you can't see me on weekends," or "If I were married to you, I would give you lots and lots of attention. I don't understand how she doesn't." Give me a break! What a manipulative
bitch. But, as angry as I get at her, I have to remind myself that she was a kid, not a very nice or honorable one, but a young, stupid girl. My H was the predator that should have known better and that betrayed me. Other than morality, which all OW's are short of, there was no reason for her to be loyal to me. It has been easy for me to divert blame to the OW but that is not where it really belongs.
I do have a hard time with the sexual parts particularly as I don't really have details other than H's claim that it wasn't great and was kind of awkward. Yeah, right. He just can't tell me the details in the way that I want them...but somehow I also know that the details could make it worse. His claim, and I think it is mostly true, is that he was more interested in the admiration than the sex.
I still have fantasies of running into her and finally getting to say all the things I want...but, of course, I would be elegant and sarcastic and make her feel cheap and tawdry. I am afraid that is what they will be....just fantasies that help me get through.
The focus really needs to be on first, me and my healing and second, my H/M and that healing. Anything else is a waste of time and letting the OW somehow win. This is a far cry from the life and M I thought I would have but it is what I have and I can't waste any more time wishing for the past to be undone.
