As hard as I try, I’ve come to the realization that I can not continue to walk this path of R without some assistance. I want to find a MC/IC, but am not sure of the questions to ask in order to find the right person. What questions do I ask? Would you use the same C for MC and IC?

Personally, I think IC should beging before MC, or combined with it. I think IC gives each person a chance to work on their individul issues first, and bring that knowledge with them to MC. I feel that can only benefit MC and make the chances for a successful R much greater. I do not think it is a great idea to use IC as your MC, although others have said it has worked for them...each couple is different.

Some questions I would ask:

1)I think the first thing to ask an MC/IC is how much experience do they have dealing with infidelity?
2)What is their philosophy regarding infidelity?
3)How do they approach the WS regarding accountability and responsibility for the A (as opposed to "blaming" the BS and/or M for the choices the WS made to cheat)?
4)What are their views on staying in the M (at all costs) VS. Divorce? What I mean by that question is some MC/IC's do not believe D is an option, except in physical abuse cases...if you feel that way then it's OK, but if you don't then you need to look for another MC/IC....cause this is a BIGGIE. Then you have others who think that once infidelity has occured you have no choice but to to D. So it is important that you find an MC/IC with the same values regarding M, or are open to both and not in one extreme category or the other, and treat you first as individuals (IC), and as a unique couple (MC). There is no one size fits all if you ask me, although each of us share similar experiences....each of us and our marriages are unique.
5)What type of degree they have and what type of patients do they normally see (do they specialize in any one subject)?
6)I would also ask (MC only) what their success rate is for R in a M after an A?
7)How long they have been in practice?

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

As always, Cal has given you really good advice and all the questions she suggested are good ones.

Personally, I would not want my IC and the MC to be the same person, but many people here have that arrangement and it seems to work for them. I want the privacy and the loyalty of having my own IC, whose sole responsibility is helping me recover and deal with my issues.I have lots of trust issues so I really need an IC who I can trust to totally be there for ME.

There have been occasions when my IC and the MC have talked to eachother, but only with my permission (in fact, I think it is a law that they need your permission to do so - at least in New York). In our case, that was very natural as my IC recommended the MC.

Finding a good IC or MC is hard. I found my IC through my doctor and it turned out great. I had some specific requirements - I wanted an older (40+)woman. I also wanted a psychiatrist as I felt that medication might be important for me and wanted someone who could write prescriptions and monitor the results on a weekly basis. As a doctor, she has been really helpful in understanding biological and medical reasons for behavior but maybe psychologists have the same information.

You should think about whether you have any personal requirements - do you feel more comfortable with a man or a woman? For some people, it makes no difference but I knew that my issues would be easier for me to talk about openly and importantly, honestly with a woman. I feared that there could be problems with a male IC as many of my problems have to do with how I relate to men. (For that reason, I sometimes wonder if it would have been good for me to have a healthy, trusting, professional relationship with a man.) . In the end, though, it is the fit that matters, not the gender of the IC. Personal recommendations are probably the best way to find somebody but harder to come by.

For MC, I think the same applies...it has to be someone that both of you feel comfortable with, that you can be open with, that you respect and who doesn't take sides. I was worried that my H would become defensive and dismiss the MC's perspective but that turned out not to be the case. She was even handed and would help each of us understand how the other felt. I think that she was key in getting my H to recognize the depth of my pain and understand the nature of trauma. In many ways, I think that H got more out of MC than I did, though I and our M benefited from his understanding.

MC did help us but IC has been a much more important part of my recovery and becoming who I want to be. I only wish I had gotten that help 20 years ago.

I wish you luck in finding the help you need.

Susan added some great ideas & suggestions. I would definately need to feel comfortable with the IC/MC. I feel very comfortable with mine and he is a man. At first I was worried it would be harder for me talking to a man since my previous experiences were not good in that department....but by my 2nd or 3rd session I knew we were good

Good luck in your search. Sometimes you have to go through a few bad one to find a good one, but it is soooo worth it when you do!

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

I found out recently that the second IC I went to (a phychologist) told my H (but not me) that she had had an affair with a married man. When I was going to her she seemed very understanding but if I had known that she was an OP I don't think I could have related to her. Finding out months after my last appointment with her was a kind of mini-betrayal. Although counsellor's personal circumstances are not supposed to enter into the consult, I would be fine with an IC who was a BS (provided all the issues listed by the others were OK), but definitely NOT fine with a WS or OP. So maybe that is a question to ask (but maybe you will be fobbed off with a story of it not being relevant).

Liz

I am really surprised that IC divulged that kind of personal information to anyone....that seems to be a violation of the therapeutic relationship. Am I wrong?