I feel I'm always posting the same old thing. Basically H just isn't doing enough and I can't get past it.
Jerry posted on open about the book "Too Good to Leave, Too bad to Stay". I have read the book and really hoped that it would lead me to some type of epiphany. But instead it just left me flat and just as confused as before. Most of my answers were in the middle. The big deal breaker questions, for me, like is your spouse physically abusive and do you like your spouse i was able to answer positivley, but all the others were sort of, maybe, or sometimes etc.
I wish I could say my marriage is Too Good To Leave. But since I can't wholeheartedly say that, I wish it was Too Bad To Stay. I wish H put in less effort than he does, I could then walk away, but then I'd probably be more depressed because I wasn't worth any effort.
Since D-day, he has done some really wonderful things. On our first anniversary after d-day, he planned a weekend away for just the two of us and it was great, he threw me a huge surprise b-day party, we went to Retrouvaille, he went to IC and MC for over a year ( although no real revelations). He has always been good to me, he has never missed an anniversary, birthday, Christmas, Mother's day. He helps with the kids and around the house, if the kids are sick, he's right there to help. When I was working pt, he'd call in sick or work from home so he could do his part in taking care of them. He even stayed home from work when I as sick so he could take care of me and the kids because they were home from school that day. He doesn't go out with the guys, says he would rather be home with me and the kids, which is the way it was even before we got married. I thought I had the perfect husband! Of course there were issues, but they were issues I could live with, because the positives far outweighed the negatives.
But now the negatives are equal to if not more than the positives. The affair is a weighty issue and possibly even more than the affair itself, is his inability to commit to fixing or even recognizing his issues that led up to the affair. This just leaves me feeling that it (me/our marriage) is not important enough to him.
And that, in the words of Aerosmith, is my "Same Old Song and Dance"!
Lisa,
I have no words other then to say I am in the same spot as you. I just can't quite figure out what I am doing, what I want, or sometimes how I feel. I am sending big ((((Hugs))) your way.
It sounds as if you are still struggling with the issue of staying or going. The only thing I can tell you is that you will know when you have had enough and when it is time for you to leave, or stand and fight. My WH did many things as well to show me that he wanted the marriage, but he never fully commited to doing whatever it took, although he said he did. He did just the minimum I needed...but that was not good enough anymore. The status quo no longer cuts it. WH was willing to do just about anything except give up the drugs, so he lied to me, over and over again. In the end I am not sure if it was the lies or the drugs that I just couldnt take anymore...perhaps both since they go hand in hand. Add the weight of the A to that and how could I stay and still have any self respect? As long as I had no solid bottom line he was going to continue to cross it. I had to stick to my boundaries to protect me. I wish he had not continued to cross the line, and as a consequence we are separated. It has been two months. I feel a lot better. I miss him, but I do not miss the abuse. At times I feel very sad that it had to come to this...his choice I tell myself. He knew exactly where I stood and how I felt.
Have you told him how you feel...that you need more than what he is doing? Have you told him exactly what you need? Have you expressed what the consequences will be if he does not do more? Only you can decide what it is you need and if he is meeting those needs in a signifigant way and in a timely manner. Is he truly making an honest and commited effort or choosing to not to and just doing the minimum? Have you given yourself a time limit? Lets say, like 6 months...if he cannot find it in him to what you need, then what? How long are you willing to wait to see improvement? And I am just throwing this in the ring....but not every couple can get past an A. Sometimes there are just too many wounds to heal in the marriage and it is beyond repair. It doesnt mean you (and somtimes your WS) didn't try.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are still struggling so much and hurting. I have been there. I felt like a broken record. Then one day I just found the strength to do what was right for me. You will too, no matter whether it is staying or going....one day you will just know....and it will get better in time.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I thought I would just offer sympathy when I decided to respond but I realize I have a perspective from my experience for you.
I am 2 1/2 years from d-day. Things have settled. I'm generlly ok. the sharp pain has dulled and only occassionly surfaces. I can look at things ojbecetively. But..
My H never dealt with the root causes of his 2 affiars (9 years apart) as a consequence, I have come the conclusion that its not a matter of if but when. I keep in mind that I need to be ready to respond if I see the signs again. That I need to be prepared to leave this time. I keep my back up plan updated so I can put it in action at anytime.
I think you will agree this is not a healthy marriage if that is my attitude but that is where his avoidance has led us.
Concider long and hard how much you want to push him in facing the issues.
