My H. continues to claim that he's told me everything but when it comes to giving me his cell records, he's "drawn a line in the sand." He claims there was only one; I know there were more. He claims he never text messaged or received pictures, but the records I do have shows that he did.
I have tried everything I can think of to obtain copies. I was soooo close at the cell store. They got permission to print the records for me, they took the info that they wanted and then, at last minute, asked for his second code.
I feel that I will never stop crying and raging and start healing, for myself, not even for "us", without the truth. Without it, it is one more secret that he has that I know nothing about; I spent 10 years married to someone I knew nothing about . He says he'll do anything to keep me and he HAS changed but it doesn't change my daily torment.
Has anyone been successful in getting the "proof" and how ?!
Not sure how it is done, but I remember people claiming you could get anyones Cell records, through a website, if you had a SS#. This was 6 years ago when I first entered this mess. I never did it myself because my H did not use a cell phone.
My guess is that one reason you want them so bad is that your husband resists giving them to you so much. One has to wonder about his reasons for resisting. Is it a work related phone? If so, would his employer object to you seeing these records?
Since my wife would have given me such records, in fact that were in our records cabinet at home. I didn't rush to look at them, although eventully we took them out together and reviewed them. I don't remember any big surprises there, although I believe there was evidence that they were talking at certain times that disturbed me.
I haven't visited the site for a while. Been there, done that! There's a way you can get cell records, you have to go online to the phone carrier's website and create an account (that is if your H doesn't already have one). The first time I did it, the phone company sent a letter (which I intercepted) to the house asking the customer to call an 800 # if they did not create the account and if they did, they did not need to do anything. Now, they send a text message to the phone so you have to do it when he's asleep and you have the phone so you can erase the text message. Once you create an account, you access "call details". Make sure you remember your password and user name because each time the password has to be reset the phone Co. will send a text message to the phone.
That is exactly what I did. our carrier on their website has an area that says, "forgot your password?" for the online account. I had his phone right at the computer so that I could grab the code and then deleted it immediately.
One day on the Forum I realized that my H wasn't bringing home the cell phone bills and credit card bills from work because he was hiding something. I just about died when I realized that the affair could still be continuing. I realized that if he wouldn't or couldn't be totally transparent then he wasn't following my rules and needs for healing. And, that was absolutely required for me to continue in the relationship.
I essentially told him I wasn't coming home until the bills were there. They were there that night.
The shame he felt for his behavior was profound. I understand why he didn't want me to know.
The way the situation rolled out, I had a lot of time to be prepared to hear what had really happened. Here are a couple of things to think about.
Do you want to recover?
Yes/No (try not to use "it depends" as an option)
Who do you want to be in this recovery process?
Vindictive or Forgiving, Strong or Weak, Leader or Victim, other...
How will the information in the bill help you to recover?
For me, it wasn't the information, it was the act of being transparent
How will the information in the bill hurt or slow your recovery?
For me, I only wanted evidence that it was not continuing.
The detail provided evidence about his condition, mental state, and how completely
checked out he was. There was other detail that was very painful and caused
triggers to abound that I really didn't want or need and slowed the recovery
process.
What do you expect to see in the bill?
calls at inappropriate times (on your birthday, when you're in the hospital, things like that)
long calls in the middle of the night
long calls
calls to more than one woman
calls to many, many women
text messages
calls from me being put on hold or hung up to answer calls from another woman
For each of those issues how does that change how you feel about your H, the A, the recovery process. Is there any piece of information that will change your decision to recover?
Before my H gave me the bill I asked him to tell me if there was anything else that I might see in the bill other than what I had listed above because if there was something that I wasn't prepared for I wanted to know ahead of time.
My husband was terribly ashamed and embarrassed by his behavior and choices. The last thing he wanted to do was give me more fuel to spew to my friends or to use against him with his friends should I go off in a raving dramatic departure. And, I don't blame him one bit for thinking that. It took him a great deal of strength and courage to tell me the truth. He was risking himself and his reputation at work to do it. When I could create the space for him to confess our/my healing always progressed faster than when I "found out" things and brought them to him to explain. Even though I had to force him into a corner to confess on D-day and to show me the bills when he was forced with a choice he did pick our marriage, truth, communication, and recovery.
I was prepared to let him go when I forced him. He could have just walked away and done what he could to make himself feel whole. I am so glad he didn't do that. It proves to me that he is a good man at heart. It is his choice whether he will live that life consistently or choose the path of immediate needs and wants.
