Its been awhile since I've written anything, but I'm just needing to vent...
He says that he has given me 99% and he wants to keep that 1% of himself and that I should just leave it alone. He's begged me and pleaded with me to just let him have that 1% and this is where I am trying but it is so difficult to do. I've tried and keep falling short of just letting it all go. What is that 1%, him to have a R with the OW. He is in an EA with her and just doesn't see it. She to me is what is blocking us from being together and he just won't hear of it and it makes me so angry and upset. He is so selfish and immature. The sad part to me is the 1% is the 1% that I probably need the most, him. He says that they are just friends, but this "friend" has him. We got into a big discussion today because the other day he told me that they were going to go out and I didn't support him 100% on his decisions. I hate all of this and think it is so unfair, he says that if I can't give him the 1% then he is out the door. How is that for commitment and trying to work on a marriage. I told him that I don't like feeling like I'm second and that's what I feel. This is a bunch of cr**. Is there anyone else out there that is dealing with an EA and H won't let go of OW. I hope someone can share some insight with me. There is much more to this, and I'll fill in some of the gaps later. Just steaming mad over all of this!!!
I'd say that if he says he will leave unless you allow him this 1%, then he definitely isn't giving you 99%. Marriage is not based on giving a percentage of oneself; it is a complete commitment. What are your boundaries and what are you willing to tolerate and what are the consquences if he crosses those boundaries? That is a tough question with even tougher answers, but you have to answer it however it fits in with your situation. He's calling all the shots...why? It is so hard, isn't it?
If he goes out with her and doesnt care that it hurts you then she is his priority and he is nowhere giving 99% as jane has said. Anyone who puts a "friend" over their marriage does not want to remain married for long if you ask me. I know this hurts alot...but like Jane, I feel you need to set up some boundaries. And what about MC? A good therapist will tell him that no one should come before his wife. It takes tow people each giving 100% if a marriage is to work, even without infidelity involved.
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))) Im sorry for your continued pain.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Thank you for your support and responses, this is a difficult situation and I feel there are no easy answers.
(Marriage is not based on giving a percentage of oneself; it is a complete commitment.)
This I know but right now he is not committed to this marriage and he says, that we've been together for so long that we shouldn't have to work on it anymore, (to me this is a crock) that we should be at a maintanence level and its too difficult to work on right now. The sad part is that he is willing to work hard at maintaining an R with OW, even when she doesn't treat him so well. Some of you may recall a little bit of my story, she is still married, but living a separate life from her H, they are just roommates. Well, she and my H were getting serious and I went to talk to her and things changed, H resented me for ever talking to her and held it against me. Short version, I asked him to leave, I couldn't take it anymore, he was out of the house for 6 weeks, moved in with OW and her H into the 3rd bedroom. His job is 24m hour shifts, he wasn't there every nite. He moved back a day before we took our son to California for medical reasons and then stayed when we came back. We were trying to work on us, but same problem keeps coming up, his need, desire to maintain R with OW. OW is now dating two other men, while still living with her H (I don't think very highly of this person and her lack of morals) H gets jealous that she is with others, but is trying to be okay with it and still have a friendship with her. She must be something to have so many men desiring her...gag!!)
It is a tough question as to what are my boundaries and I am having a difficult time with this because I love my H and want to keep my family in tact, but I ask myself at what cost to my self-esteem and my sense of dignity am I willing to do this. It is very hard to do and yes it seems like he is the one calling all the shots. I am going to MC and have asked him many times to join me, but so far he won't. I told him that I am working on me and that's all that I can do and will continue to go to IC. To me the options are 1. asking him to leave or 2. tell him that I don't agree with his choices and decisions that I think that they are wrong, but I can't control him and he must make his own decisions.
I feel the same way that marriage is a commitment and that you don't just one day decide to give only a percentage because you feel that you were not happy and your needs were not being met.
(If he goes out with her and doesnt care that it hurts you then she is his priority and he is nowhere giving 99% as jane has said. Anyone who puts a "friend" over their marriage does not want to remain married for long if you ask me.)
He doesn't care about this because I tell him that it bothers me that he holds this person with such esteem and that I don't like feeling like I'm second, he says that I make more out of it than it is. My gut feeling tells me that this is more than just friends. He doesn't care what I think about this. Right now we are separated (not physically, just to another room) He feels like he has the opportunity to make changes in his life right now and he doesn't want to miss out on things. I think he is in a depression and going through a bit of MLC. He tells me just let him go and he'll come back, he doesn't want to loose the little bit of himself that he has. Its the classic, I love you, but I'm not in love with you. He has issues and he won't go to IC, this is frustrating and sad.
(See if his 99% is man enough to read Shirley Glass "Not Just Friends" and discuss it with you chapter by chapter.)
lol I'll try, but he probably won't do this, he doesn't want to work on this remember. And he doesn't think and EA is an A (if you don't have sex its not an A)
I ask my self what am I doing...
sorry that this is so long and wordy, but just need to get this out cause many times I just feel like screaming and I have to wait so long for my next IC session.
If he doesnt want to work on it, then you are wasting your time. You are right to question why you're still there then.
And Susan is right "Not Just friends" is a great book, especially for those having EA's. Even if he doesnt want to read it, there may be some info in there that helps you. It was the first book I read after d-day 1.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
It stinks - and there really isn't anything you can do to get him to understand that any contact with OW is still a continuation of the A. It took my H a long time to really get that.
I'm sorry - Not Just Friends is a good book - not that you can make him read it - but it may help you.
Where are you in this? practicing the 180? Does he even care how much this hurts you?? If he doesn't - then maybe you shouldn't care about his life (i.e. clothes, food, all those bonus items he is getting without work)
I don't know...I'm rambling this afternoon!
I know how bad this hurts ...I really do.
Denise
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"
I think your H is not owning up to himself, or you, how much this relationship with the OW means to him. From everything you say about his actions, and its the only thing that counts, the relationship means a lot, at least in terms of his priorities and attachments.
Sometimes I think we think that if we love someone, we should do everything and sacrifice everything, but love also mean holding someone to account.
I remember thinking to myself once that I would never be a beggar to love. I wish that it wasn't so hard!
I think your H is being very dishonest about this relationship - he owes you the whole of his love.
MM,
Yes I know in my heart that this relationship means more to him than he is willing to verbally admit to me. I wish that it was easy to just say to him, "okay you continually choose that R over me and our family, if you don't want to be here then leave." But that is so difficult for me to say and do right now.
I went through something like this. H broke off the PA but insisted that he "had" to be friends with OW. He even told her H that he loved her and nothing could change that, but he just wanted to keep her friendship (and their professional association). Well of course this half-hearted approach didn't help our reconciliation, because like you I always felt second best and had a gut feeling that I couldn't trust him not to hurt me, and so couldn't be vulnerable with him. It made me more angry and abusive and hurtful of him, which then just justified in his eyes his association with OW ("at least SHE likes me"). The end of it was they met for another physical session, I found out, he finally realised that he couldn't have his cake and eat it too, and he is now doing everything he can to make up for those terrible times. But it took him THREE YEARS to come fully out of the fog and see that he did have to choose between OW and me, that staying friends with her was destructive to me, to him and to her.
For my H the reason for staying "friends" was that he wanted her to like him, he didn't want to be the bad guy who ended the A, he just wanted her to let him go in a way he was comfortable with. Maybe your H is thinking is some similar way: that he can ease his way out of the relationship without hurting her? My H also said things like "I'm going to keep in touch with her whatever you say," and "I know my way is the best way." It's foggy thinking from someone who really can't face up to the destruction he has caused and thinks he is making it better but in fact is making it sooooo much worse.
I know so well what you are feeling, the frustration, uncertainty, worthlessness. I told my H I felt like a domestic appliance: something useful to have around, taken for granted and not really given much thought. Or like wallpaper in his life: always there, reasonably decorative, but not a high priority in his thoughts. The bottom line is if he wants the marriage to heal, he can't keep that 1% - he has to give you 100% and staying friends with OW just won't work. But I do understand how hard it is to force that boundary when he is threatening to leave if you do and when he has perfectly plausible explanations and rationalisations why it is no threat. Just read my story and know it is a huge threat and your marriage can't heal while he has any friendly association with OW.
