Hi everyone, my name is Sherry. I am 31 years old with 2 teenagers. Ummm, I'm at a loss and don't even know where to begin so I am just going to put it out there. About a year ago my H had been emailing, texting, having lunches...etc. with a co-worker. Well after that was discovered by me it stopped and he went away on business for about a month and called me one day to tell me that he met someone from a yahoo chat room and that they had met in person and performed oral sex on one another...so #2 within a few months of the co-worker incident. After that everything seemed to be going fine, we were open with each other and I felt that he wasnt doing anything of that sort anymore. Then we met this other married couple that we became friends with and spent alot of time with, a few months went by and he started acting strange again...so being the PI that I am lol I started to snoop through his phone, email and yahoo messenger history to find that they had been pretty much talking on yahoo messenger all day every day...one message that sticks out in my head and I cant seem to forget is him telling her that he felt like he was losing her and her replying with "you just need to back off a little I dont want to lose my man". So all of that was a big blow up and we stopped talking to them. Well its been 2 months since that occurance and come tax time, he withdrew 1,500.00 from the account and couldnt account for 400.00 of it, I told him that I knew he gave her the money and he admitted it and that they hadn't stopped talking the entire time! So now we're here...I am currently not working because of the situation I had moved out for a few days before he fooled me into moving back in (this was while we were all still friends). Now I am stuck in Orlando with no job, money or even a vehicle to my name to go anywhere....what a mess
What a mess, indeed, Sherry! Welcome. I'm so sorry that you are here, but glad that you found this site. I hope that it gives you a place to vent, share, ask, learn, grow, and most importantly, heal. Its been a lifesaver for me; I'm 19 months past our own DDay. There are good days and bad days, but the good days now seem to be outweighing the bad. I've learned a lot here, and through reading whatever books and articles I could get my hands on. And therapy has been a really important element in the process: IC for me, IC for H and MC for both of us.
I'm concerned about you, Sherry, after reading your response to the thread on physical side effects. Have you seen a doctor? This is obviously taking a physical toll on you, and its important for you and your kids that you can be physically healthy so that you can be at the top of your game to recover emotionally.
Its hard to tell from your post here what your H's reaction is to all your discoveries. Is he remorseful? Is he ready, willing and able to jump in and try to figure out why he's doing this? Or is he laying blame on you or asking that you just accept this?
His choice to have multiple infidelities is a concern. Whether its sex with prostitutes or serial dating, there's something unresolved within your H that he needs to address. It seems like this is a pattern of behavior that he's relying on, without realizing the damage he's causing in the process.
And one of the scariest parts of this for you, I would imagine, is deciding what your boundaries are and how much more you're willing to put up with. Your H has now reached the point of lying, cheating and stealing from you and your kids.
For now, I send you big welcoming hugs. Again, I am so very sorry that you have been dealt this blow. Our community here will do all we can to be a place of support, guidance and comfort. Welcome. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I just wanted to say welcome and ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))). I am so sorry for all you are going through. You have to take of yourself...and remember you did nothing to deserve this. It is the WS...they need to take a deep look inside themselves.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Thank you for your responses. To address the question on whether H is remorseful, well he ALWAYS has been...swearing up and down that he didnt want anything to do with that B**** and he didnt want to ruin our relationship while he was in fact having contact with her the entire time, the only way that I found out was when he took that much money out of the bank...Of course I asked to see all of it, and he didnt have it all. I just dont know what to do at all he still seems to want things to work, but I have heard that oh so many times within the last year. When I did leave for the couple of days he was calling me the second day crying and asking me to come home. I dont know if its some sick game he and her like to play, but after I had discovered their IM's to each other I asked her why and that I thought she was my friend...she didnt have an answer, instead she waited a few days and texted me asking if everything was ok LMAO OF COURSE NOT!!! Maybe if she didnt spend her whole day using drugs, and even in front of her own kids, she might realize that she and H have caused alot of problems...even though her H seems to not believe it could be true.
I am so sorry you are in such an awful, difficult situation. Have you spoken to an attorney about what your marital rights are? Is there a reason why you have no money? Just because you are not working shouldn't mean you can't get money from your H.
Do you have copies of the IMs your H and OW sent each other? Could you send a copy of them to OW's H? Maybe he doesn't believe you because he hasn't seen any physical proof, and maybe he doesn't believe you because he is being delusional--if he shuts his eyes and puts his fingers in his ears and says, "I can't hear you," he might be able to fool himself into believing nothing is wrong.
Just keep reminding yourself that the A was your H's choice and you are NOT at fault for the horrible decisions he made. If he was unhappy in your marriage, he could have chosen to work on the marriage instead of going outside it.
Well, the situation is that we are living with his parents right now, both of our vehicles are in his name and my 2 children are from a previous marriage. Unfortunately I do not have the IM's because after I read them I called him flipping out, screaming and crying...totally humilliated. By the time I had thought to log back onto his SN and started to copy the conversation he had logged on at the same time and booted me off and deleted everything...I am guessing because I had texted the OW telling her that I was doing so and going to show her H. I do have some little evidence, not in writing but I know something that was said that her H would know if he heard it, and that was in the IM my H had asked OW if her H had seen the message that my H sent to her and she said no, that she had closed her phone but that he read everything else though thats probably not enough to convince him. I considered them to be pretty good friends, I mean even after my H told her we wouldnt be talking to them anymore her H had texted me asking if our kids could babysit theirs...so she didnt even tell him about the text that my H had sent to her, so I responded to his text saying that I didnt think that was such a good idea given the circumstances and he didnt know what I was talking about so I am assuming that my H and OW set the whole thing up to just make me think that we werent going to talk to them anymore...It's crazy that a 33 year old woman who is older than me by 2 years can act like such a child, and my H...well if they are that low then they can have each other!
Your H's behavior is pretty typical of a WS. I totally agree that it seems logical an adult would understand their actions to be irresponsible, immature, selfish, etc., etc., but when people are in the A fog, logic flies out the window, and they often behave in ways that seem totally foreign to their normal behavior.
Can you get your H to change over the title to one of the cars to your name? (Hint: if one of the cars is paid for, pick THAT car LOL.)
I am so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand your pain and disgust and thought that if they care so little about their respective spouses then they should just leave them and be together. However, the reality is that they are in their own little fantasyland. Being together would require that they face reality; doing so has a way of shaking up people.
Very few people really want their marriages to end when they cheat. They convince themselves that they are entitled to an affair and that what the BS doesn't know won't hurt him/her. Of course that is MAJOR fallacious thinking, but there is NOTHING logical about A.
If you haven't read any of the material listed in the helpful links, may I suggest that you do so. I found dearpeggy.com, Springs' book "After the Affair" and Glass' book "Not 'JUST' Friends" to be the most helpful for me.
The good folks at this site offer support, understanding, and a 2x4 when warranted. I am sorry you have a need to be here, but I am glad for you that you found HH.
LOL Fairy we actually do have a car that is paid for and we have discussed going to the tag office to have it put in both our names, he agreed but we have to go on a day when his work isnt too busy. We probably could just make an appointment to save some time.
