I'm new here. It's been almost two years since "D-Day" and I'm still dealing with the pain of my wife's infidelity.
I know I've gotten through the tough part. I've come a long, long way from two years ago. In fact, two years ago I was in such a traumatic, painful, surreal fog that I saw no way out of it at the time.
My wife and I have reconciled. We never separated---though I emotionally I was severely separated for several months---and our marriage is doing fine.
I've read many of the postings and I can empathize with most of them. The stages of healing are almost in concrete, aren't they?
I quit crying a year ago, but I often (daily) think of what my wife did. I still find myself waking up and having the crashing reality of what happened come on me as if it were D-Day again. Isn't that odd?
Well, anyway, I hope to correspond frequently with this great group in the future.
Welcome, JayRay. Its nice to "meet" you, though certainly wish the circumstances were different.
I can relate to what you are experiencing now. At 19 months past DDay, I regularly think about what my spouse did during his "ugly years" and it does feel heavy and as if it is crashing down upon me. Its probably a continuation of the Post traumatic stress disorder. Perhaps when we've healed from the trauma, there won't be those two versions of reality (the one we thought we had, and the one we ended up with) and there'll just be a place of acceptance.
I look forward to getting to know you better and hearing what's helped you along the way. You sound like you and your marriage are in a fairly good place. Hearing success stories and individual approaches on how people got there are worth their weight in gold around here. So, again, welcome to the "neighborhood". BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I am coming up on 2 years 9 months (though I had to actually count that up). I find I come here when the memories return. I don't think of it daily anymore and rarely cry. I do remember at in opportune times, like during intimate times, but it is rarely a show stopper. Mostly I feel a deep sense of sadness when I think about it. I can't believe this is part of my marital history. But it is.
Yes, the pain get better over time, but very gradually.
Just FYI, this is my second time through this. First time was 1993. So I had a few years of healing before I experienced it a second time. Both times I went through the same stages.
Thanks for the warm responses. Certainly this is a group one hates to belong to simply because of the circumstances; that said, a finer group of strong individuals like yourselves would be hard to come by.
I don't know how we kept our marriage together. I suppose it was one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time, etc. I embraced my faith, and that certainly had much to do with it. Those first six months were absolutely unbearable. I lost forty pounds in two months; I couldn't stand to be around my wife and at the same time couldn't stand to be away from her. I felt I had no one to confide in (the embarrassment was and is huge) and I couldn't afford counseling. I did much soul-searching and came to some serious agreements with my wife.
Although my trust in her was shattered and I still keep one eye open at all times, my wife has, as far as I can tell, very repentant and dedicated to our marriage. She stopped contact with him, she rid herself of enabling friends, she quit the job that facilitated the year-long affair, and she embraced her faith as well. We have nothing but optimism for the future, but again I say this. . .I'll always have one eye open at all times. The old axiom, "Once bitten, twice shy," doesn't begin to cover how I feel about it, as I'm sure each of you can relate.
One of the hardest battles I had was wanting to retaliate. I still have that come up from time to time but I'm able to keep it at bay. I just simply remember what her activities did to me and I can't bring myself to hurting her like that. As you can see, I still have a lot of healing and growing to go, but I'm working on it. I wasn't prepared to be betrayed so healing from it was a new experience too.
So, I look forward to being part of this wonderful group and helping others in any way that I can. We are all healing to some degree or another.
Thank you for joining the group. It is always helpful for me to hear about the "success" stories. It sounds like you had a long and painful journey but that you have grown tons from it. I look forward to hearing more advice and hearing about your experiences. At almost one year, I find it frustrating to think that I may/will be thinking about it and suffering pain after 2 or 3 years. No matter how infrequent or minimal.
Welcome. I am so glad that you have found this kind, safe place where you can vent your heart out, look for advice or find hope.
It is not at all unusual to have moments when you feel as if you are back in the past. They are symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and are called flashbacks. I had them with great frequency for the first year and still get them though less often. Usually it happens when I am home alone. I can know that H is out for dinner with our sons and still I flashback to how it felt when I was home during his A, this time knowing where he was and what he was doing. Going to sleep is another time that the flashbacks happen.
Other symptoms include increased levels of anxiety, feelings of intense sadness and panic
attacks.
I am a major sufferer of PTSD as many of us are. It is a real condition, not just an emotional response, and usually requires treatment of some kind to cope with. I see an IC, which has been life-changing for me. I also have an anti-anxiety medication with me at all times - I rarely take it but knowing I have it is comforting.
All these symptoms continue while my H and I have put together a much better M than we ever had before. He is a better man and I love him more.
But those feelings continue to live alongside the anger and the anxiety. The good feelings are gradually pushing the bad ones to the side but sadly, I don't see them going away any time soon. And, it just may be that they will never go away completely. Some life-defining events are just so traumatic and so big that they can heal but the scars will always be there.
I realize that this is sounding very sad and that is strangely not at all how I feel. I would not wish infidelity on anyone (except maybe the OW) but it has brought about huge and positive changes in my H, in our M and importantly, in me.
I so hope that you continue on your positive path but remember, you are still at the beginning and there will be twists and turns. It is a normal part of the recovery process.It really does sound like you are doing well - all considered.
Read about PTSD - it may help you understand your feelings and behavior.
