It’s disturbing how society treats infidelity. There is hardly ever the mention of a “victim” and generally the affair itself is never associated with negative connotations. The whole idea of infidelity is often chalked up to some quasi-accepted entitlement.
In much of the media it’s used to scandalize politicians, yet, the rumor or confirmation of infidelity among Hollywood celebrities is often mentioned with a hint of romantic intrigue and always in approving tones.
I find it sickening that infidelity isn’t reported to the masses as a crime against a person, a marriage, a family and, ultimately, humanity. Infidelity tears at the very fabric of our society and yet people soak it up with as little aforethought or afterthought as possible. I’m sure that those who know its true horror, such as myself and each of you, never glibly let it go without wondering (and empathizing) about the betrayed spouse, children and marriage that has been cast aside without so much as a footnote by those telling the story.
Not so many years ago an affair was a life altering scandal for those involved. There were clear consequences for stepping outside the bond of marriage. Today, the hint of an affair only makes you the latest topic of conversations and no judgments are cast at you for your actions.
I think our ability to heal is often thwarted or decelerated when we can’t turn on the television, open a newspaper or magazine or watch a movie but that infidelity is being celebrated in some way.
I’m not trying to be Mr. Depression here, I’m just making some observations and hope to hear from some of you about them.
That was a great post - and full of truths!
It wasn't that long ago that the mention of an affair was a huge scandal and something that the WS would never live down. Now, as you said, the hint of it almost has a romantic air about it.
I know that simply in my family, the view on infidelity makes me sick. My mother has embraced my brother's OW and has no issue with it. My parents have never said a word to any of my family members about their affairs (she has thick rose-colored glasses) and one brother has ended 3 marriage due to his A's. When he whined to me after the last divorce, I simply could no longer stomach it and had to hang up. Now I wonder, does that make me complicit? Does it make me seem as if I am okay with his choices - gosh I hope not.
Great post Jay...I agree with it all!
Denise
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"
I agree with everything you wrote as well. I think they should put the law of infidlity being a crime BACK on the books. I think the BS should have a right to file for divorce under adultery. In many states that right has been taken away. I also think you should be able to take legal action against the wayward spouse and the other wo/man. At least if there were legal/monitary consequences people would think twice. And if it is legally a crime people tend to view it more as a moral issue as well.
On OPEN Peanut posted "Interesting News Story"...it is about how South Carolina is thinking about adding a law where the ebtrayed spouse could sue the other wo/man. Check it out, here's a link.
Legislating morality hasn't worked particularly well (think Prohibition). I fear that a law against infidelity would be ineffective because of the mindset of the cheaters. Remember they follow the rule that what we don't know won't hurt us. They often genuinely believe that we won't find out. So they are operating under the mistaken belief that they are different. They won't get caught.
If they don't believe we, their spouses, won't catch them, they certainly won't believe that the law will catch them either.
Would I LIKE there to effective anti-infidelity laws? You bet!
I think a more realistic punitive measure would be to reinstitute adultery as a reason for divorce. But I have strong doubts that will ever happen. Why not? Just consider how high estimates of cheating are. Think of how many politicians have been exposed as cheaters. As they are the ones who pass legislation, they have a vested interest in not passing a law that would support adultery as a reason for divorce.
I love South Carolina!!! If that law came up for vote by the people, I would change my state residence in a heart beat.
I recall Back in 2002.. There was a case where the BS sued the OW and won. I, not being my nicest self . threatened the OW with suing her if she contacted my H.. she had a lot to lose..and I am sure that she didn't declare any of the the money on her income tax.
I think the book BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY was a best seller as was the movie and wasn't that book was about an affair..
I am not as sensitive to the infidelity news or movies now as I was 5 yrs ago.. I still cringe... but I don't always leave the room as I did before when there was a movie that had some A stuff in it..
there are 2 infidelity movies I watched that portrayed the BS well.. one the BS was a H...and he shot and killed the OM... showed the rage..could understand that feeling!!!
the other movie I liked.. Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez.. she was the OW.. but never crossed the line.. the movie was about dancing.. The BS was well acted..the movie was a chic flic.. romance..but well done , the A didn't happen except in the mind of the man... it was a study as to how an A can happen..
I agree that infidelity is all around us.. The TV isn't on much in my house anymore..
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on Apr 25, 2008 8:43 AM
What about "Fatal Attraction" with Glen Close and Micahel Douglas? Now there is a movie that should be a deterant to all WS's out there, as the OW turned out to be a psyhco b*tch! It should be required viewing by all WS's...maybe they would think twice about inviting a third party into the marriage. The truth is ya never know who you're sleeping with cause an A isnt about intimacy and really knowing the other person. It is about what stroked the ego of the WS and feeling good in the moment. They do not think of the future consequences. But I think if some of these laws were passed and a few victories reported in the news, and people were buzzing about it around the water cooler, some people would get the message and think twice. Of course nothing is a cure all. Infidelity has been around since forever, but there used to be consequences, sometimes deadly consequences, which is one reason why it was not so prevelant. Today it is just way too common....no one even blinks, unless of course they are the BS or the children whose world has now come crashing down around them.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Apr 25, 2008 6:45 PM
Re: "Fatal Attraction" H and I actually saw this movie WITH the OW and her H while the A was going on!! I don't think it had any effect on them....as the A continued for many years after. However...one of my first thoughts after D-day...is how often you hear of people who are involved in love triangles that end up murdered...and I even asked H if he realized OW's H could have murdered him. (I didn't think he actually would....he's pretty mild mannered...but he despises H as much as I despise OW. You just never know if someone is going to snap!)
On topic...I've been experiencing a somewhat different reaction regarding society's view on infidelity. My close friends who know of the A, have supported me and virtually shunned OW (she was a close "friend"). H's relationship with our other friends has been strained this past year, but they are now more accepting of him, I think, because they have seen how remorseful and ashamed he has been. OW on the other hand, has not shown any shame, or remorse, so they are not so forgiving.
That's just it....people who are remorseful EARN their way back into people's good graces, those who are not remorseful do not, as long as society upholds it boundaries. Unfortunately, far too often that is not the case.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Ok...I just had to add in my two cents on this one. How about the idea that some people have in thinking that if the spouse would of met the needs of the WS, then they wouldn't of strayed??
People actually believe that because it hasn't happened to them. The real thing....I believe, is that the WS has many issues that he/she doesn't know how to resolve and believe that someone else....(other then their spouse).....can make them better. Only they can make themselves better by addressing the issues and trying to find a better solution other then hurting the people around them in a destructive way.
I don't know if that makes sense, but that's how some people think....I think.
You are right..The WS can have all their needs met and will still stray..society doesn't care about the pain of an A, if it doesn't affect them...they are quick to judge that needs weren't met, but they didn't live in the BS's shoes..preconceived ideas just keep rolling along from generation to generation.
Awe...that is the ultimate truth isnt it? That society "thinks" it is the BS's fault the WS strayed...not getting thier needs met or they have this horrible unloving BS at home that makes their lives aliving he11. Or the WS just couldnt help themselves cause they fell in-love. Movies portray this as the norm, therefor it MUST be truth right? That way there is no personal responsibility...the WS is not at fault and society must "feel" for the WS. It is as if the WS had not choice but to cheat. Unfortunately people who think that way will continue to think that way until (yes, not if, until) infidelity touches their lives. I am not saying they themselevs are going to be betrayed or be the betrayer, but the chances are high that someone close to them will suffer from the effects of infidelity at some point in their life....a parent, a child, a friend, a co-worker...it can happen to anyone and the effects are far reaching. Infidelity does not just cause pain to the BS, WS,a nd OP, but to everyone whose life the they touch!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Apr 26, 2008 10:54 AM
Hi Everyone,
I want to respond to society's view on the BS. When i confide to people about my husband's 5 affairs - they were quick - oh so quick - to have me read books on how to spice up the sex in our marriage.
That can only mean one thing - that they viewed my husband's affairs as a desire for better sex - of which they judged i was not giving him. Nothing could be further from the truth. Infact, one gal - whose husband had cheated on her 20 years ago - gave me a list of about 5 books to read on His Needs, Her Needs and how to add spice to the marriage bed - this from a gal whose husband had had an affair with another woman! You would think that someone who had been thru the same thing, would have a better perspective on what was truly going on in a marraige - but no - she told me to read these books on how to create better sex for my husband.
There are some great response posts here. I'm glad that I'm not the only one feeling this way.
They say that you can't legislate immorality, but I beg to differ. Murder is immoral and it is quite illegal; stealing is immoral and also illegal; treason is illegal and immoral.
I would be the first to admit that creating a penalty for infidelity would not eradicate it, but it would have an effect. Jail time doesn't stop crime, but I assure you that without it crime would be rampant.
The truth, as someone pointed out, is that lawmakers are reluctant to legislate infidelity because too many of them are having affairs. I would be 100% supportive of a criminal law against infidelity.
Also mentioned earlier is the fact that in some states the OP can be sued. I read an article a few years ago about (I believe it was in Illinois) a woman who sued the OP for her husband's lack of love and attention on herself. The award from the court from the OP was only three-thousand dollars, but dragging the OP through the mud with the publicity and legal-maneuvering made it priceless.
Having been betrayed, we know the inhuman pain and suffering associated with infidelity. Our suffering is no less than someone who has been violated in other, and illegal, ways. I see no reason why our "victimization" isn't worth two someones being held responsible in a court of law for it.
Well, I just wanted to add my thoughts on those already posted.
We can legislate morality when the consensus of society is that an act is immoral, such as murder. It is when we get to points of disagreement between large factions of society that legislation becomes problematic.
Are all of the above harmful and devastating to their victims? Absolutely, but not enough voters find all the above to be harmful enough to outlaw them.
"It’s disturbing how society treats infidelity. There is hardly ever the mention of a “victim” and generally the affair itself is never associated with negative connotations. The whole idea of infidelity is often chalked up to some quasi-accepted entitlement."
Unfortunately, for me, and other believers, this is even true in churches! Other "believers" act as though we have come down with a fatal
and contagious disease. Rather than rallying around the BS, and lifting them up, we are all too often left to our sorrows and pain, virtually
shunned, lest we "spread" our disease by speaking about it. So we are even more isolated, and wonder where we stand with our
church 'family' that has suddenly deserted us on the revelation of an A. The WS is treated as if nothing happened, in fact, they bend over backwards,
afraid they might lose them - not realizing they effectively have already. AAARRRRGGGHHH! It's like shooting wounded troops.
"I think our ability to heal is often thwarted or decelerated when we can’t turn on the television, open a newspaper or magazine or watch a movie but that infidelity is being celebrated in some way." I can't bear to watch most TV or listen to a lot of what used to be favorite music anymore, and I know there are so many others who wince at the mention of an A.
Time may heal other wounds, but I think in the case of infidelity, it just allows scar tissue to grow over the wound - always sensitive if poked deeply enough.
Tom,
I attend a wonderful church. It was at that church that i learned of having a personal, intimiate, relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ.
I also know that a church is not a shrine for the saints but a sanctuary for sinners - praise God for that.
Having said all of that, i too have experienced being shunned for revealing that my husband cheated on me. I had one friend who no longer talks to me despite the fact that for 6 years we were the best of friends. One might think that maybe she just didn't know how to respond to my hurt, my needs but this isn't true as her husband also cheated on her. If anyone could have rallied around me, supporting me, lifting me up - it should have been her.
As far as my husband goes - again what you have said is true. Many people think it is wonderful that he has come forth and confessed his 33 years of infidelity - and believe that i am supposed to think he is wonderful too! They also feel that i should just put the past behind me and instantly go on with him. This gives me no time to grieve, heal, etc etc.
Still, despite those particular people, there is another group of people at my church who daily lift me in prayer. They call me each week to find out how i am doing. They are loving me, supporting me, helping me carry this burden. Without their prayers, love and support, i would be totally lost. I do pray Tom that you too are surrounded by those people.
threatened the OW with suing her if she contacted my H.. she had a lot to lose..and I am sure that she didn't declare any of the the money on her income tax.