Well after experiencing being cheated on twice and then left and divorced it makes me wonder just who lives a better life after the smoke clears?
I have to say imho the ws does by far as they move on in life and the bs has to live with the fact their spouse and best friend who they trusted more than anyone in the world is left in the dust.
It doesn't seem to matter if the couple stays together or divorces the pain seems to continue on for many many years for the bs....can they ever fully love their ws and forgive or can they if divorced ever fully trust another with all their personal feelings hopes and dreams?

I would be interested on others thoughts of both those who were left behind or stayed. I know my life has been changed forever and not for the better to be sure.

Sadly, financially if the WS were the H, and the BS, the wife, statistically, the man/WS.

I don't believe that a better life is just the financial aspect. So I'm inclined to believe that if the WS stays in the fog, there is every chance s/he will continue repeating the same destructive behavior. If the BS gains an understanding of A in general and her/his WS' A in particular and works hard to heal, then I believe the BS ends up having a better life.

Some BS feel too hurt by the A to ever feel safe enough to trust again in a potential lover/spouse. Others are very wary.

I'm sure answers vary all over a spectrum of possibilities.

Healing ourselves should be the goal of every BS because we deserve better than to waste the rest of our lives feeling traumatized by our WS' behavior.

ff

I don't think someone who is still married to their spouse and that has reconciled can really answer that question honestly for they cannot understand the pain just like I cannot grasp the concept of someone truly repenting and changing their behavior from cheating on a person. For me where I am I can honestly say I am not better off "YET". I will be after I am finished with school. My ex is remarried and lives his life with his new wife (the last OW). I don't have someone, there is no one I go home to or share my inner most thoughts with daily. I truly miss that. I never was very trusting and he sure did make that bridge a little more shabby and hard to cross. After two years you would think that things would get easier they just don't sometimes. These THINGS are devastating to ones life and cannot just be swept under a rug and not dealt with. It seems most WS's go on with their lives like normal people and nothing bothers them even when paying child support, alimony, extra medical expenses or helping with whatever. They may get riled up every once in awhile but they move on pretty quickly making a new life for themselves as "plastics". I say good for them... for they do not truly feel and connect with their souls or feelings and cannot heal. They miss out on many beautiful things about themselves and hopefully look and see before they are alone just what and how they treated those around them.

I agree with ff that it seems that when a divorce happens and if the WS was the H, then he seems to get his life "in order" much quicker. My XH (and WS) almost immediately found a gf and within 6 months was living with her.

I wonder how they can do this so quickly?!! Easy, no introspection, no grieving, with a mind set of "how to fix things (practically)" rather than "how did it happen and what can I learn from this" (women do this during their grieving period.

Financially men are more attuned to getting along because they traditionally are the ones who made the big pay check and have handled money... women usually make less and are dependent on alimony or child support. They (women) are more likely to be novices in this area.

It gauls me to think my xH has this "perfect" life already and I'm still taking baby steps.

grrr.
Diane

But Diane, do you really believe that your XH is happy/happier? What kind of relationship does he have with his new GF?

Are YOU happier without XH?

When we bought our modest house 13 years ago, our real estate agent told us not to believe that what we see on the outside of a home is a reflection of the real story--one she was able to see in her job. Sometimes a house looks good, but is shoddily built. Other times, a house is big, but the couple has stretched themselves so thin financially to buy the big house that the house is almost empty of furniture and the couple has no spare money. So much for assuming that a big, expensive house meant quality and wealth.

ff

As Wendy wrote, I'm not sure I am qualified to answer, since I have not lived through that.

I think the answer can be different depending on the depth that you probe to find an answer. Certainly the financial picture will fall into place more easly for a spouse who was earning a good wage before, especially in the event of divorce.

However, the trauma of infidelity for a betrayed spouse is so severe that it can take several years for a person to heal to the point where they can enjoy life again. While wayward people can encounter their own for of that trauma, it usually isn't as acute, and it depends heavily on how much responsibility they take for the infidelity.

That said, there is something much more chronic often going on with wayward spouses, some they may never be able to fully overcome. Part of it is that the behaviors that lead to the adultery are often very deeply seeded within their personality, and total eradication of those is difficult is best. For example, the tendency for my wife is to not talk to people about her thoughts, but to focus most of her conversations on superficial details of her experience. In other words, she doesn't have any problem telling a cute story about a something that happened while she was out grocery shopping, but it's almost impossible for her to discuss her feelings, and especially to empathetically probe into your feelings. She also has a hard time exposing vulnerability to people. These behaviors contributed to her affair, and she still struggles with overcoming them and I think she always will struggle with them. In addition, wayward spouses who appreciate the hurt they've caused will live with guilt for the rest of their lives.

Even those waywards who don't own their behavior are likely to continue through life destroying relationship after relationship, leaving destruction in their wake. I doubt there is ultimately much happiness in that life.

I strongly believe that there are no 'winners' when it comes to adultery, only losers. The injustice of it is not who comes out with less damage, but rather who is responsible for it in the first place.

TomJ

IMHO, people who are earning a decent(but modest) living don't always come out better financially in the event of divorce. I am going to be 52, my WH 51 yrs old...My WH did not go back to school to upgrade himself, he had always worked in the trades. He hasn't saved any money, nor does he have retirement money put away. I have been the stable financial provider in our M. He has had long periods of unemployment during our M ( he is currently and voluntarily unemployed)... I have earned a modest savings-401 K, and a pension...I see that I will struggle financially after divorce because, in the event of divorce, my WH plans to fight for 1/2 of everything the assets that we accumulated during our M. This includes 1/2 of what our house is worth, 1/2 of my pension, and 401-K that I accumulated so far..
My way of trusting other people has been forever changed, I am a lot more jaded now...I am going to have to learn to care for and trust my self a lot more. in order to have a good life

So far, I can say without a doubt my WS is living the life he has always wanted. Is he happy with it? I dont know but he must be or he would be working to come back. He has no one to answer to, not even OW, he can smoke and drink all he likes and do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and with whomever he wants. He is 100% free. Me, Im home every night with the children and no prospects whatsoever for the future...I mean, how am I supposed to meet someone? Right now Im a stay at home mom. I dont even know any single men or women. My WH doesnt have to worry about the kids at all. He never has...never will. As Ive said before, he has never even taken them over night. So how do I move on?

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

I guess, Cal, that we should all define for ourselves what is meant by a better life. Will you have a better life after getting divorced from your WS? Does he have a better life?

Don't confuse escapism with good. They aren't the same thing at all.

ff

FF...yes, for WH it is escapism. I do understand the difference. Since he doesnt deal with anything he doesnt have to feel anything. I am thinking more along the lines "ignorance is bliss". as long as he is in denial of the devistation he is causing he is fine...he can be happy (at least for now). Those who continue to live in the fog, and never emerge have no clue! He is living his dream life...I guess that upsets me. He has someone and here I am, all alone! He moved on before our relationship was even over (twice, that I know of). He picks up women left and right like it's nobody's business. I dont even know how to look for a date, let alone "move on" and be happy. However, I will say that I am happy with who I am as a person. I dont think my WH can say the same.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Living as a BS can be one of the most painful experiences. I can say now that it's been 8 years since my divorce after being married 30 yrs, thinking we had survived the affairs and only to end with him leaving me for a new OW who he thought he could rescue from drug and alcohol abuse. I blamed my WS previous A's on his disease, he had 12 yrs recovery before the last the ended our marriage. I realize now that he had such low self esteem that he choose someone who would be needy. Out MC told me my WS didn't think I was needy enough. He also thought by rescuing this OW he wouldn't have the guilt because I was strong and could on and of course he was saving a life.

He is now very remorseful lonely man and not living a happy life at all. He lost the respect of his children and doubt very much that he has any self esteem. He wrote me a letter a year ago apologizing for not being the husband I deserved to have. He's told our children he has always loved me and does not love this woman but does not know how to get away (suicide threats and attempts).

This last relationship of 6 yrs wasn't about a OW, I did discover after 2 yrs he had porn online affairs, maybe not body to body but painful none the less. For all I know he could have had OW. He destroyed me both emotionally and financially and I still don't see a end because of real estate we are still tied together on. He is a good con man, all betrayal.

Thank God I finally started IC. I fear I would have returned to this man after his pleading for forgiveness, his on dying love, I thought it would just be easier. I've always felt "why wasn't I enough". The more I learn about myself the more I understand that it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with them. I'm going on a new journey to really understand myself, to love and honor myself. If not I will be destined to repeat the same mistake I'm afraid.

Life isn't easy and being alone, missing the touching can sometime be over whelming. But I must trust in myself that each day I will be stronger. Those moments of feeling weak and lonely I force myself to come read posts. Or I may even write a email to my XBF telling him how he hurt how I feel about him and I then email it to one of my dear, dear friends who will read and reply telling me it's OK, that I am getting stronger. The betrayer will never feel what we would like them to feel. In time they may feel deep remorse and maybe there's hope for them. But I must take my own journey solo, find out who I am and what my lifes purpose is. I've been a wife, mother, sister, daughter, grand mother that's was how I defined myself. Now it is time for me to discover what I want in my life.

Sue,

Thank you for your insight. It just seems amazing to me how often you have either replied or posted
with wisdom that is spot on to what I'm feeling.

<<Living as a BS can be one of the most painful experiences.>> My life has included far too many painful
physical and emotional experiences, and with that history, this is undeniably the worst. Perhaps because
WS knew how hurt I'd been from the end of 1st marriage and swore she'd never be untrue [like anyone would
marry one that said upfront they'd cheat]. I gave myself completely to her, holding back nothing. I was (am)
smitten with her so completely, which concerns me if she suddenly shows up wanting to come back.
I'm afraid the loneliness and (as you put it) lack of touch will overwhelm me. Visualizing her standing at
the door acting remorseful has my heart skipping a beat and I fear I'd burst into tears and melt. She knows she can
push my buttons - by her own admission, she knows I love her with every fiber of my being. How anyone can know
that of their mate and still betray them is beyond me. She blew me away at our wedding - she was so overcome
with emotion she said her vows through tears. I could barely speak! Had I had an MI right then, I would have died
happy and content.

Your last paragraph really spoke to my heart. Thank you for expressing it so succinctly. You make me feel like a have a
sister who can read my mind. (((Hugs))) I'm so sorry for your pain, frustration, and loneliness - at the same time
you encourage me so.

Hang in there, my friend and please don't hesitate to reach out when it gets dark and lonely.

TC

"Don't give up until you drink from the silver cup, and ride that highway in the sky. ..you never know until you try."

Sue,

I totally agree with Tom, your last paragraph is amazing. I do not know the pain of seperation or divorce, but I think that last paragraph speaks to each and every BS out there. No matter what, we have to redefine that person we call me, for it is the only road I know of to healing.

Ami

Ditto for me....Susan, your last paragraph says it all pretty much. Thank you.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

TC,

This touched me: "Visualizing her standing at
the door acting remorseful has my heart skipping a beat and I fear I'd burst into tears and melt."

I so know the feeling and the mental visualization can be so painful. I had heard a excercise to help recode your brain and have been practicing. You visualize your WS in your mind, like a full body photo from head to toe. Next you picture a small picture of yourself right in front. Now you visualize the picture of you getting bigger and bigger until your photo completely covers the picture of the WS. I've been trying to do this and I have noticed that the tight pain in the chest isn't as strong as it has been in the past.

And that question that at times controls my thoughts of "why wasn't I enough" doesn't have a much control.

It's all baby steps, somedays are better than others. But they can't be as bad as some of the ones we've already experienced.

I can speak of my own experience and I know when I struggled before with my WS, I spoke to no one. I was ashamed, it had to be me, if I "only ect, ect". If he'd "give me a chance". I'm the one betrayed yet I was doing everything to try and "fix" it. At least this time I can hold my head high and honor myself as we all should.

Take care dear friends.

PS. TC It's a honor to have you describe me a a "sister:

Sue