At times I find myself just losing it. I am stronger than ever, but every now and then ya know, it just happens! Christmas Day was one of those days....talked to WH on the phone...and really found myself missing him. The holidays have always meant a lot to me and I have no one special to share it with. What I miss is having someone special in my life. I know, I realise he did not reciprocate those feelings, but man it hurts especially this time of the year. And then I wonder why dont I deserve to be happy...he has someone, and Im all alone. No, I do not envy his relationship with OW#2 at all...that's not it. I mean he has someone there...to snuggle, to cuddle, to talk to...and I am alone with my thoughts, and my memories of what I thought I had with him. Some how it just doesnt seem fair. I am left to deal with all the emotional garbage and the children while he is off in Never Never Land, happy as a clam, getting hgigh and f-ing OW. I know, one day it will hit him...maybe, if Im lucky, lol. But I dont see that ever happening...he has too many addictions to ever allow his feelings to surface in order to deal with them. I am begining to wonder if the pain ever goes away. Everyone says it fades in time, and sure it is not as sharp every day now, but those days that it is sharp, it's a killer!
I even found myself bad mouthing him in public the other day...something I have not done yet, lol, until now. Sure family & close friends know what he did, but I this is different. An older gentleman, a customer and sort of old family friend, came up to me in a public place and asked me why I am never at the business anymore when he goes in. I told him that me and my WH are not together anymore. He said he was sorry to hear that. Then I said, well, that's what happens when your husband cheats on you. He said "no, not WH"....I said yes, WH, for a long time. He just looked at me with disbelief, threw his hands in the air, and walked away. I didnt even care who heard me and that is not like me. I feel like I am tired of being a victim...tired of being quiet, while others think my WH to be this wonderful man. Maybe I am a bit bitter because he doesnt seem to be suffering any consequences. Sometimes I think where is the justice in this world? I so believed that if you were a good person people would treat you with kindness and respect, not take advantage of you and walk all over you and treat you like the scum on the bottom of their shoes. It's not supposed to be this way...atleast that is what I was taught. I find reality a bit too real I suppose, at times. However I am thankful that I am able to see it now, and no longer live in the fantasy world I created for myself. And just think, I did that without cheating and without drugs, lol. But at what cost to me and my children, I wonder at times?
I remember Kim writing a similar post about a year back....maybe it is the holiday season that bring out these negative feelings, I dont know. I just want it to stop!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
The holidays can be a difficult time of reflection when things are not as we want them to be. I visited a homeless shelter a couple weeks before Christmas and it seemed like the people were feeling down more than usual. I left wondering if the cultural pressure to celebrate in ways that require the 'ideal' family life and financial resources is so pervasive that people who feel left out of those blessings can feel like outsiders.
It not only shows the need to share more, but also the need to refocus the emphasis of the holidays.
When I read that you feel like you're "left to deal with the emotional garbage and the children" and "he doesnt seem to be suffering any consequences", I felt sad for you and your kids and even your husband. Of course he is experiencing the consequences, as he no long has the respect of his children, his wife, his parents and many others in his family. I think most men long for the approval of their parents, maybe even more than the approval of their wives. He's lost that. He caught in a spiral of lies, deceit, and intoxications, all now intended to avoid the truth of his life even if it started to avoid other hard facts that he didn't want to face. Oh, the consequences he has been facing so far.
I understand what you mean about the public not knowing the truth. I've felt that my wife got of free by not having more people know about what she did. Not only that, but I've also felt unfairly judged by those who don't understand why I have been more angry at her at times than they think is appropriate. Even if people knew about our situation and our past, they would hardly judge us fairly. Even with the small number of close friends that we have told about this, there has been misunderstanding and misjudgment.
I doubt they will ever know the real truth, because even if it comes out, it would be probably be polluted by rumors, misquotes, embellishments, and wrong judgments. It's sad, but the public is rarely a good judge of people. The number of corrupt politicians that we elect might be the best indication of this.
However, questions like the one this man asked are certainly and indication that the public has noticed that something isn't right, and they are probably answering those questions for themselves. I wouldn't be surprised if a large part of the community already has some idea of what has been happening, even if you haven't told. People can draw conclusions without knowing the explicit facts, just based on someone's friends and the behavior that they see. I grew up in a small town, and we often knew who was involved in the drug culture just based on who their friends were and where they spent their time.
I have a similar complaint about the OM. Sometimes it seems like he isn't paying the price for what he did. However, I also know that his marriage is now in divorce court, he's dealing with child custody issues, he has declared bankruptcy, and his home has been foreclosed (although he managed to maintain possession of it). I also believe that he is generally not well respected in the community, as he was even kicked out of a local children's organization due to bad behavior. As I see it, the fruit of his work is often quite bitter.
I wouldn't worry about justice for your husband. In time that will come, and even if it isn't something that happens during his days of living, it will come in the end.
Thank you so much for your response. I know that there are consequences for him I probably cant see, but I really dont see him any worse for wear. When someone hurts you this badly you just hope they feel a fraction of what you feel. I dont think he feels anything, at least not that I can see. And as for the OW, she could care less. She has been separated for two years (now 3), and I guess she is divorced except for paying for the paperwork. She sees nothing wrong with what she is doing and neither does he, so why would either of the suffer anything?
The good news....I had an IC session today and am feeling a little better. There is so much more going on that I have not posted about. It's like everything hit me at once, and especially with the holidays. I think you are right. The holidays are supposed to be a time for family, and love. Without them it seems pointless and almost a cruel joke, and of course one is left feeling like an outsider. You see all the "happy" families around you, and when that is all you have ever wanted it just does not seem fair. I will get over it, I know I will....just takes time!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I don't know if it's my place to say something like this, so I apologize if I'm speaking out of turn.
I think in difficult times, it's easy to focus on the negative of what's missing or what is wrong, but that leads to discouragment. It's harder, but more rewarding to focus on the positives, and find the joy in the bad situations. That does mean you deny the pain, but instead you feel it, you push through it, and you see something better at the end, something like what is done when excercising.
I know that you've done this many times already, and you certainly should allow yourself to grieve what is lost, especially at a time when the reminders of that are strong. Just remember that there is always a great hope for you and your family. After all, Hope is what is celebrated in this holiday season.
Wise words from Tom - I hope you are feeling better now. This is a difficult season with vague triggers relating to the disruption of family life caused by an A, even where there is reconciliation.
My H's good male friend divorced 15 years ago because of an A and then married his OW. I always thought he had an easy life: his children lived with his ex-wife and only came to him every second weekend, so he had them on their best behaviour. He could go to all their significant events and really enjoy them without the stress of coping with them every day. And what really irked me as the mother of two demanding offspring, was that he and the OW now W could go off on holidays whenever they wanted: they didn't have to fit in with school holidays or go somewhere suitable for children. I love my kids, but sometimes I would have welcomed that chance to get away from them; to hand them to their other parent and have some me time. Of course my feelings about this couple intensified when I knew he had colluded in my H's affair and had not taken any steps to get H to deal with the issues, or tell me. But even before all this I did think that males who leave marriages get out of it well. No doubt the males (your H, my H's friend) would say that they lose a lot in missing the daily contact with their children but to me they have the best of both worlds: the carefree childfree life most of the time and the family time when it suits them.
I also sympathise with your feelings re the world thinking that H is a wonderful fellow when you know differently. I think that's why Ami says that confession to the world at large is important. Very few people know about my H's A, and those that do would probably support him (like his friend above). Sometimes I just want to yell "If you knew what I know you wouldn't think he was so great!" I see him carrying on his daily life, interacting with his work colleagues and our families and think how he risked my mental and physical health, stole my past and suspended my future, exploited our life together to impress OW. I resent that there seem to be no repercussions for him, when the impact on me has been so huge. So it must be so much harder for you with H living with someone else and the world not really knowing just how much you have suffered through him.
Can only agree with Tom that you have to grieve and move forward. Over the four years I have known you you have grown so strong, but you are entitled to down moments. Know that you will get through them, take comfort in your family and in the fact that you no longer have to deal day to day with H and his addictions. That's OW's problem now! She may be in the honeymoon phase now, but inevitably things will go wrong as time goes on, because your H just hasn't dealt with his issues.
Hugs and very best wishes for a great 2009 to you and family.
OT - my daughter was just in your home town and loved it!
Glad to hear you are feeling a little better. The holidays are tough. Now that they are totally over and the kids are back to school, life can return to what we call normal. I know I am glad they are over.
There is an episode of "The New Life of The Old Christine", where she is talking to her ex and telling him their son calls the ex's house the "fun" house. The Ex says to Christine "but he calls your house home". Remember that. That is what your H doesn't have. He lost his family in more ways than one.
It may seem like he is having this great life now with OW. But inside, if he ever really takes a look at himself, he knows that he has F'd up. Anyone that matters, family and friends, also knows he has f'd up.
Telling the customer is not so bad, don't beat yourself up. I think you have shown great restraint up until now. Perhaps you can prepare yourself for the next time someone says somehting to you. Come up with something that doesn't flat out say he cheated and walked out on his family, but something that will convey that H is not the person that everyone sees. Something you can live with.
Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. It is not always easy to think positive when you see your cildren hurting and making some really awful mistakes that not only hurt them but others. And I just feel so alone and have no one to share this burden with. I know I am not alone in the sense of friendship...you guys are the best, but alone in having to deal with all the crap...no special pserson in my life to share the bad or the good for that matter. I wonder at times if I will ever find that special person, seeing as how I thought I already had. I truly loved my WH, and I still do...but we need more than love to make it work and he just cant do the work. And that makes me so sad. Sad for me and sad for my children. I know there is nothing I can do and that I am poweerless over teh situation, which makes me feel even worse. I am their mom and I can't fix this! I can't make it better for them.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I am sorry you having such a struggle. I do think that the holiday season brings out the sadness in us and the negative feelings.
I wish I had some words of wisdom.....(((((((((((((((Cal)))))))))))))))))
This is not easy, is it? It is not fair! We didnt do the harm, but we have to take the consequenses. Why must we suffer? IT IS NOT FAIR! But we have to do that. And it show that we are the strong ones. Tom and Liz have given you great advices. You are a strong and beautiful woman and your children know it!
I started taking kickboxing today...of course everyone knew who I was. "You're the lady from _______ " UGH!!!! I just want to run and hide sometimes! Ya know?
I am cutting the strings....perhaps there is only a thread or two left.
Thank you everyone!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
What a good idea to start kickboxing! I think I will try it too because it must be one of the most ultimate thing to do in our position. Beat the h**l out of it! I imagine it is a very healthy way to express the anger and even more things ....
Thank you Bjorg...you are so sweet, Well, I have retained a lawyer. I have so much paperwork to fillout..when it is done the papers will be filed and WH will be served. WH never kept any of his promises....even to the kids. Me/they have no delusions of who WH is. We deserve sooooooooooooo much more......
Since my last posts I have run into WH at OW's house and so has my daughter. Unfortunately WH's current OW is a local...she lives 2 blocks from my children's school....one block from our post office, across the street from our pharmacy, and a few doors down from our dry cleaners. And 4 nights a week we have to pass by her house to get to karate. All of this makes things soooooooooooo much harder! It sucks!
Thank you for checking up on me and the kids But I am done with WH....finally...I have let him 100% go! There is so much more but I have posted the basics.
How are you doing? ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I can imagine how difficult it must be to do all the paperwork, when it is the last thing you would want. You are so strong! I have followed your story, and I know that you have tried everything and given him so many opportunities to make it right, but he didnt see it. You really had no other choice. I know it must be so hard, and I admire you for beeing so strong. Your children will also know it. You have taken a huge burden on yourself with your eyes wide open. You are one of my heroes!
For myself Im not such a hero. I have stayed with my H, and I try to make him understand the devestation he did with his many As throughout 22 years. I guess he dont see it the way I do. He cant understand how it affected me, because I thought he was the best person in the world. I loved him so much, while he lied and decived me all the time. Now he claims he can see how bad he was, and he tells me he will never be like that any more. Its not easy to belive. So many years........ We still live together, but my feelings are not the same any more. He has to do much more to make me belive him. Next year I will turn 60. I met him when I was 30 and I had a bad marrige and a nine year old daugther with me. I thougt I was in heaven all the years with him. Its not easy to try to make a new life now.
However, Cal, Im sure you do the best thing for you and your children! You are a very strong woman! I admire you, and Im sure you can look foreward to a better life!
