Well, I've literally made it to the other side...of the board. It is DDay +1 year for me. I want to start off by thanking the website owner and all of you for getting me through this horrible year. I didn't post a whole lot during the year, but I read this site every day. You were all my lifeline and so many times your words, your concern, your honesty and your compassion kept me from going under.

I don't even want to imagine where I would be mentally if I hadn't found this website. A few days after D-day when I first stumbled on to this website, I felt so alone and so worthless. I was torn down by my husband's betrayal and you all helped build me back up. You all helped me regain the mental strength to work on the recovery of my marriage.

As I always have in my life, I've found a lot of inspiration in music. There is a song by Gin Blossoms called "I Found Out About You". In the song there is a line that says,

"The love I thought I'd won, You give for free"

That line is like a ton of bricks falling on me and I realize that the "love" he gave to that woman wasn't what I fought for and won on the day he asked me to marry him and it wasn't what he fought for and won on the day I accepted his proposal. All the feelings and emotions he thought he had for her were some twisted fantasy notion of "love". It wasn't the real love that we had and have - the love that you fight for and cherish once you have won it.

She was the fun and excitement of the unknown, a pair of spread legs and a boost to his ego. I might not be the source of non-stop fun and excitement, but I'm the one that he fought for and I'm the one that won the only place in his heart and soul. He wasn't sneaking around because he was ashamed of me, he was sneaking around because he was ashamed of himself. He didn't slip into the fog and rewrite history because he hated me and wanted to hurt me, he did it because it was the only way he could live with himself and the tragic mistakes he had made. He had to build her up and tear me down because it all made no sense to him and it was unacceptable to him that he could do something so terrible to a person that he loved so much. He couldn't find a way to deny that he still loved me, so he tried to make himself believe that he was no longer "in love" with me.

Over the first few months I was like some whacked out Stepford wife walking around on eggshells, trying to do and say everything "right". I felt like my marriage was on a precarious balance and I had to be perfect to keep from losing everything that was precious to me. You all made me see that I was losing the most important thing of all - myself.

I had jumped into the fog with my husband and I was trying to fulfill his every man fantasy of being married to Dream Girl Barbie and I was only reinforcing the hold that the fog had over him.

I had to break the hold the fog had over us. I had to stand up for myself. I quit hiding my pain and anger and let myself say what needed to be said. You do have to take a leap of faith and believe that the person that loves you is still in there somewhere listening. You have to believe that your honest words can't break anything that was worth keeping. I didn't walk around like an angry witch all the time because I knew that wasn't right and it wasn't me, but there were times when I just let go and gave it to him.

I told him one night(I'll try to remove most of the expletives),"You must think you are the luckiest SOB in the world because you already won the multi-million jackpot once when you asked me to marry you and I accepted. Do you think you are so lucky that you can win the jackpot a second time?!? Do you think when you pull your little $@$%% out of the love motel and pluck her down in your reality that she is going to love you as much as I do, that she is going to accept you for who you are, with all your faults and irritating habits, that she is going to believe in you completely and work towards achieving your goals and dreams for the future? Oh, yeah, I forgot, she is the most wonderful, special, perfect woman in your fantasy world. You are such a lucky man. Yes, you are so damn lucky! So, just go roll the dice again and put all your money on HER. I don't doubt that she thinks you are sexy, exciting and wonderful. I think you are! But does she really LOVE YOU THIS MUCH! Is it all worth risking losing the love of your life to gamble that she is just as wonderful as I am and that she will love you as much as I do for the rest of your life? You have to start fighting for me if you don't want to lose me. I'm worth fighting for."

I pulled him kicking and screaming out of the fog. That approach might not work for everyone, but I just knew that the longer he stayed in the fog the more detached he became from me and our marriage. I had to say what I needed to say. It wasn't easy, it wasn't pretty and it was so scary.

John Mayer Say Lyrics
Songwriters: Mayer, John;



Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to saaaay...

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to saaay...

Have no fear
For giving in
Have no fear
For giving over
You better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open... wide...


Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to
Say what you need to
Say what you need to say...


I don't think THERE is a real destination. Marriage never arrives THERE, it is just a continuous journey. As in all journeys you take in life there are common sense rules.

Keep what is dear to you, near to you.
Don't take shortcuts on dangerous side streets.
And most important of all - Don't take candy from strangers.

I'm so happy I found this place and I can come here whenever I need to to get wise advice or just vent my pain.

~hugs~ to all of you,

Janet

LOL! Sorry for all the edits. I forgot a line, edited it back in. Then saw all sorts of weird spaces edited again and again. I'm just leaving it alone now perfect or not!

Hi Janet -

I think it's perfect - you don't have anymore to edit! Congratulations on making this far!

You are right - you have to say it all.

Hmm, you learned earlier than I did that it isn't your fault and will never be your fault.

I enjoyed your line 'because you are worth it'. I said it too - when i first met the OW about 10 months after dday and she asked me essentially why I insisted on NC (couldn't she and my H continue to have a profesional relationship?) - I was surprised to hear myself say - I know what I am worth.

Keep hanging in and fighting for what you want, MM

Hi Janet,

That was an amazing post. I am a year past D-day myself. You put into words so beautifully so much. You have a gift of eloquently describing your experience. Wow! An amazing post.

You are awesome.

EOS

Now that is a great post

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

janet,

Great post!!!

(((hugs)))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Thanks, Janet, you put my H's thoughts and explanations for his affair so eloquently. All of what you have realised about your H's motivations is what my H has said about himself and his reasons for continuing with OW. He knew he wouldn't leave me, he was terrified the whole time that I would find out and leave him, he hated the sex with her, he knew he was maligning me unfairly, and yet he kept it going for some inner reason relating to his insecurity and desire to have everyone like him.

The difference is that you are one year past D-day and I am one year past D-day #3. Those extra two betrayals make it so much harder for me to love my H and to say to him honestly that I can give him the best love. I really don't know at this stage if I can. After D-day #1 and even #2 I truly thought that I loved him and was in love with him. But I'm finding that the further I get from #3, the more difficult it is to convince myself that he is my future. It's not that I have any suspicion that his is still (or again) cheating; he has done everything I have asked for, everything recommended by people here and the books, and more. But maybe 4.5 years of betrayal of a 30 year marriage, and three destructive, devastating discoveries, is just too much to take.

I am so glad you and your H have both come out of the affair fog and accepted your true roles in it all. Thanks for stating what my somewhat tongue-tied H has difficulty saying about his understanding of his behaviour.

Liz

This post rocks, and should go down in HH history somwhere. I am copying and pasting to those still in the fog relationship now.

I pulled my W out of the fog of her A.. and I've regretted ever since. All of her efforts and make-up attempts since then have fallen so short for me. Now I feel stuck in this empty relationship. It's like spending months fighting and searching for your stolen Ferrari.. only to get it back totalled, no tires, removed engine, and rotted interior. What's the point?

That line is absolutely relevant and perfect. I feel exactly the same way. She fought so hard for my heart and my love, and less than 2 years after cementing it in marriage.. she freely and willfully gave it away to a lowly POS who pretended to care about her so she could be another one of his sexual conquests.

I guess that shows how much my love and heart are really worth.

Larry:

Your wife didn't do this because the love you gave her was cheap. She did it because of something in her that she tried to fill with an illicit relationship outside of her marriage. She did it because of her "greed" to gain something that wasn't hers to gain.

The question of your future with her has more to do with what she learns from this than what she did during it. Will she learn what real character is, want it for herself, and then become a woman of high character? If she does, than she's better off than some women who've never had an affair.

TomJ

TomJ:

She is seeing 2 separate counselors for dealing with her childhood issues and working on herself as a spouse attempting to repair her broken relationship. She's read and continues to read multiple books. She does daily devotionals and prayer journals. So why do I consistently overpower all the good she's doing now with questions and focus on what she did then? Is it just plain ol' hurt? Disappointment? Devastation?

My future seems grounded - and even stuck - in our past.

>So why do I consistently overpower all the good she's doing now with questions and focus on what she did then? Is it just plain ol' hurt? Disappointment? Devastation?

Having been there myself, I'd say it is anger and a desire for justice and/or revenge. Does that resonate with you?

In more ways than I like admitting.