Is life like this for the rest of my life or do other things start to fill my mind eventually? Will it ever be completely full of other thoughts or will this always be there floating around in my head? Do the triggers go away? Is it better to avoid them and protect myself from them until they fade away or do I have to face them over and over and over until they lose their power? I can't even think about the places much less look at them and "own" them. How do you own them without having a total breakdown? Will I just have these little broken pieces in me for the rest of my life. Do I just have to avoid all coastlines, piers, and hotels and then my life will sort of feel normal?

I just can't even imagine what life is like without all these conversations going through my head. Should I stay or should I go? Will he do it again? Will I ever feel strong again? Will I ever be able to have full energy to devote to my life again instead of trying to figure out what all this means and how to process it again. Will have another break down? Is that the last spiral into the hellish world of the visions of what he did? Or will I spiral 100 more times?

Can anyone out there describe to me what it looks like so I can start envisioning it and faking it until I make it?

Hi Hope,

" Is life like this for the rest of my life or do other things start to fill my mind eventually? Will it ever be completely full of other thoughts or will this always be there floating around in my head? Do the triggers go away? Is it better to avoid them and protect myself from them until they fade away or do I have to face them over and over and over until they lose their power? I can't even think about the places much less look at them and "own" them. How do you own them without having a total breakdown? Will I just have these little broken pieces in me for the rest of my life. Do I just have to avoid all coastlines, piers, and hotels and then my life will sort of feel normal? "

Wow - can I appreciate your words. I couldn't have written them when d-day was so close for me - the shock had me immobilized. No one trains for
betrayal - and shock is actually a protective reaction until your mind/body can process the data. Unfortunately, life happens around you in the meantime
and others expect you to just carry on.

As the shock wears off, and other emotions surface, you will be able feel in control again. But please, give yourself permission to be human. You
have been subjected to the worst betrayal a person can endure - think of the reaction you would have if a friend was betrayed. Now be a friend to
yourself. The process, no matter the outcome - takes time - 2.5 years is a minimum average to start feeling "normal".
I / we aren't making it - I will not discount divine intervention - my WW is always in my prayers - but I have come to accept that the answer may be "No".
It still smarts - make that hurts, when I have to pass by where she worked or the hotel. I love to fly - but I wince every time I board an airliner. Nice 'gifts'
from my WS. Some HH members have more painful permanent reminders.

As far as faking it - not my call. Do whatever works for you. My experience is that "faking it" only delays a louder expression. The repressed emotions
will spill over.

TC

I don't know if I can be helpful, Hope, but I do know that this forum is the only place I can go to feel completely validated and gain some strength. I'm 18 months from d-day and have been having a setback today like it's only been 18 days. So I come here for help or to try to help someone else going through the same thing. And the first thing I read is your post and again am amazed how the words of others who have been betrayed reflect my thoughts completely. That in itself is so helpful and I hope you'll find that too as you participate here. I get impatient to reach the 2 - 2.5 year point that so many talk about that marks the average point of getting back to normal. But I suspect it's not that simple. I who have a RS who has done almost everything right from the beginning, still have setbacks for apparently no reason, no trigger. I'm furious that big chunks of my life are taken up w/these awful thoughts and images. Sometimes I pretend because the remnants of the affair and trauma are always with me on some level, and I just can't live my life feeling like crap all the time. I strive to be happy, occasionally achieve it for awhile, and yearn for the time when I don't have to try so hard and it's more permanent. I can say that while the triggers (and they are EVERYWHERE) still bring pain and anger to the surface, those feelings are less intense and frequent with time. It's so unfair that we who have been betrayed have the additional burden of having the A continue to affect our well-being long after it's over. I do try to focus on the positives, and need help from H, family and friends to do so. Our marriage is stronger, our relationship is more fulfilling and even fun, and our insight into ourselves and each other creates continued growth. Please be assured, Hope, that while these episodes are truly awful, they are necessary for the release of feelings, and are temporary. I hate to hear it myself that this all takes time, but it's so true. I don't know your specific story but wish you well and much support. AJ

It's been two years. I've reached the mark and sadly it'll be longer for me, I fear much longer, thus the questions. I think the progress slows after two years and the disappointment increases with each episode.

I agree. I wish I could be more helpful than just mirroring your despair. But I certainly understand beyond what my words could convey, and hope that not being alone in this offers some solace. AJ

Dday was about 8 years ago...

Healed..

Hmmmm

A trigger no longer makes me cry or even angry, but I do see 'that secret lunch meeting spot' and think 'well, there it is...' and I drive by and my thoughts move on.

At eight years, I don't know if I think about the A every day, but it's safe to say it crosses my mind with at least a flash of a thought every day. I no longer dwell very often (maybe every few months), but when I do, it can still make me angry that it cost me so much time, energy, a great career path, thousands of dollars of therapy and so much of myself.

I am stronger in almost every way imaginable, but I have also redefined myself as 'if I can survive this, I can survive anything' so "THIS" has become part of how I see myself and that bothers me.

I love my H and I am proud of the man he has become. He is the one I want to travel with and spend my free weekends with. He makes me laugh. He understands me. However, I could live without him. I never thought I would say that.

The OW no longer dominates my thoughts and that's a HUGE change from year 1, 2 and 3. Once in a while (the day after I have one of those dwelling sessions) I do check the obits and hope to see her name. I don't want to be the one to have anything to do with her, but it would tickle me to learn that Satan called her home.

The biggest change and my favorite is that I almost never (once a year? twice?) feel the need to talk about it with H. There was a time when twice an hour was not enough! This is huge and it is the biggest sign of progress I can see.

About the end of year 2, I got really depressed that life would never get better. I had a dear friend here, Mel, who was just a few months ahead of me and warned me about a dip in her emotions at the 2 year point and so it was not unexpected. During year 3, I STARTED to get my life back... hobbies, non-A related books, old friendships, ME...

I continue to draw strength from Peggy Vaughn who said it took her 10 years... I'm at 8 years... maybe it still gets better. Comparing now to 6, 7 and 8 years ago... Oh my... I am/we are healed beyond my wildest dreams. Standing where I am today... I hope someday it goes away.

So one perspective for what it's worth. El!!! Where are you?

-Susan


As for triggers...Much reading/research on PTSD and I decided to expose myself to the triggering places/events as much as possible. I walked though her former office building touchig the walls..., I ate at "their" lunch spot, I wore my pearl earrings and thought about the pearl earrings he gave to her...and I cried buckets at each step. We did sell the truck she rode in, the motorcycle she rode on the back of and (aaacck! dog germs!) my helmet and gloves that she wore. All those things are meaningless now. The A still crosses my mind when I see these things, but with no emotion.. just another cold fact as I encounter them.

Thanks everyone. As always a big help. Stillkickin especially, the list is great. I do think that exposure is the right way to kill the trigger. I know I have much fewer than before, some have become non-issues. I couldn't even list them here because I've been so exposed they've just gone away. Some small details. Well. I don't want to think about it too much and remember them and reactivate them.

Some are just becoming impractical to face as they are further away since we have moved twice from the place where it happened and further away. But, ok. I can try to make that trip in to that town a few more times a year. Ok. I'll try to consciously kick these triggers in the face. One at a time. I'm working on the word grace which is her name. I couldn't say it or here it without wanting to scratch someone's eyes out. Now it's mostly just a reminder. I hear it so much. My goodness I'm going to have to work full time on a pier to kill that one. One step at a time.

I'm in a better place today. Anyways, thanks again and Happy Valentine's Day to all.

"My goodness I'm going to have to work full time on a pier to kill that one. One step at a time."


In our life, there are places I drive by on a regular basis...their "special places" and the technique I used was pretty effective. I read so many books on PTSD, I wish I could site the source so you could read it first hand, but it went something like this (longer than this...but you will get the idea.)

I went to the place and if possible, into the place and looked around and did the 'trigger thing' where you just picture the worst.. because you've done that so many times it almost comes naturally. Then I followed sort of a mental listing that went something like "there is really nothing special about this coffee shop. There are dozens of coffee shops in this town and they chose this one, but it could be anywhere.. if this place didn't exist, they would have found another one and it wouldn't be that special because if it didn't exist they'd have found someplace else...it's not this place, it could have been any place....and it's over now."

These places no longer make me sad or angry or cheated out of something. It was a process that helped me significantly.

I've also read that getting the WS to talk about the place/thing that is triggering you helps to release any lingering 'specialness' they might harbor. It is like a pet name that may be priceless if kept special, but bring up your pet name to members of your department at the next staff meeting... and suddenly it sounds pretty strange. Taking the 'special' event and talking about takes it out of context and helps to weaken them from the FW side.

-Susan