What I am feeling, when I am off in this other place, another land....

I am new, I am beginning…It is as if life was flowing through me and it was water filled with light and it was cleansing me of everything.
I am drifting away from family. Some friendships are made from pure air, and they seem permanent, like the remembrance one has of life as a child, ‘real’. I am only with them once, and it has seemed like forever. It does not happen often, but when it does, it lasts forever. Some other friendships, whom have been close in the past, fade, become oblivion and fade faster than I can call out …”hello…!”. Why? Perhaps they were not really my friends? But I know they were, my memory will keep the love forever. But they …never really understood the ‘real’ me. So now I am becoming more and more, the ‘real’ me, it seems, and they no longer understand me. It seems natural.

I wish to experience speed, light, I wish to travel, to be free. Why do I need ‘education’? I know what I need, it is in my hearts and it is in my dreams. Education bores me stiff and I feel it is only making me retarded in my life, late for wherever I need to be NOW. I don’t need to be learning how to live through books. That is not living. I am like those liars that say one thing and do another, I am pretending to love living, but really I am not living, so I am in a lie, a big escapism from life.
Where do I go from here? Soon I will learn how to fly, how to let myself fall, and never land.

I cant stand the feeling, of breaking away, sometimes I just wish I could die, because I feel it would be much easier on the other side, it feels as though my body were a lie too. I know that if my body dies, I cannot die, for I am not my body. I would still see all of my friends, but I am not going to be restrained by things like ill health, or time, or misunderstandings, or pain. It would jus be all a bit easier, maybe. But in a way I love to feel with my body, I love the feeling of , for example, the wind I'm may face, the fingers of a loved one caressing my skin, the warm hair of a pet against my cheek, or the bark of a tree against my finger tip. All of these things bring me pleasure. Also love eating, enjoying good food. Also to enjoy love making with another one who is loved is lovely. I don’t understand. Maybe I will stay.

My mum is lovely, when I am out of the house, but when I am on her doorstep, she suddenly becomes the greatest freak, shouting verbal abuse and nosily destructing my self esteem. I do not wish for this in my life, it is not for my best interest’s sake to keep believing her. I do not wish to have this in my life. My attachment to her is one of an old friend, but one who does not understand me. I am better off, seeing her from a distance, like a watercolour painting. This way I do not suffer from her.

I love to be in my garden. It is as if, my inner sanctuary of ‘no-words’ and ‘all-pictures’ finds refuge there. In the pictures there are sounds, melodies that sound as if they are from some ancient and melodic place, full of wonder, like an angel’s party at dawn. I do not expect others to visit me there, but I visit my loved ones there often, imagining them there with me if they are distant. Last night I saw a friend trying to hold my hand, saying “take me to the place!”, and her hand was moist and white, and her hair blonde brown and her smile wide and wonderful. All I did was to take her hand and we flew for a bit in this space. Sometimes I feel this place is all there is. I don’t know. I always repeat this phrase “I don’t know”. It’s because, I truly feel, that there’s nothing in this world that I do know or place or recognise, in a deep sense. It is not so in some other places, just these places of concrete, fumes and education. They, I do not know.