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waving hello

July 11 2012 at 9:38 PM
winterwren  (Login winterwren)

Hey, there, old friends and fellow loomies,

Oh my goodness. I cannot even think how long it has been since I posted on here, or even really had time to lurk. My computer time has been a bit more limited than it used to be and I have been trying very hard not to think about my hair at all, but I do miss the community here. I just started reading some of the past posts, but there are so many, I do not even know where to start.

There is so much I would like to respond to, but most of my responses would be so late, I fear no one would see them...and I am too far behind to catch up. I just wish all of you peace and joy and beauty and strength and every other good thing. And you all look stunning, of course.

I have very little to say about my own hair. I am not especially happy with it. It is still at tailbone--I just keep trimming it back. It hasn't been shedding much (except a little extra recently because I ran out of iron and delayed buying more) but it hasn't thickened up again, either. I just wish my hairline would grow in better. That truly would be nice. But I try to just remember it is only hair, after all. Or something.

As far as life in general goes...it goes. That is all I will say right now.

I really, really, really do miss all of you. I think when I first joined the Loom, I became a little too obsessed with my hair, trying to grow it to fairy tale perfection. It had almost always been long, but never as long as I hoped. I think I was not (and still am not) dealing well with aging, and desperately wanted something I could improve about my looks when it seemed like everything else was, mmm, *un*improving. And the my hair starting falling out and it became just one more thing to feel bad about. I do not want anyone to take this the wrong way--because I have always been insecure about my appearance and was an extremely ugly duckling in those brutal teenage years--but as an adult, I often felt like the only thing I was good at was being pretty. I have always had a lot of serious health problems and as a result I have almost always felt like a failure in life. And if you are in a room full of people and you are feeling worthless because you just had to stop school (again) or leave your job (again) or cannot risk getting pregnant when everyone else is starting their families, or whatever, it helped, a little, to think "at least I have my looks." My little sister, who has had a very tragic life, perhaps the most tragic of anyone I know well, was once crying because she hated getting older because the only thing she had even been good at was being beautiful and now she wasn't even that. And it broke my heart (even though she is still totally gorgeous). But I could not say that I felt much differently.

It is just amazing to me how much power this holds over me, over women in general. I have no shortage of real problems in my life, and no shortage of meaningful or useful things I could be doing, and yet I spend half of my mental energy worrying about how I look, in a very negative sense.

Anyway, I am sure all of this makes me sound like vain, horribly self obsessed little creature, which no doubt I am. I do realize that I am very, very lucky to still have hair, and that I am still cute enough, [linked image] and just generally very lucky in life in too many ways to count. I just wanted to explain why I have been trying to dwell less on my hair. I thought of writing something like this months ago, but I feel a little uncomfortable being so vulnerable, and also silly because I am really hardly old and scared that it might hurt the feelings of anyone older than me. But I feel like I owe everyone an explanation.

Whew! Well, I had better post this before I chicken out. Much love to all of you. I know that many of your are dealing with true hardship right now and I will be praying for you.

Best wishes,

winterwren

edited to fix typos


    
This message has been edited by winterwren on Jul 11, 2012 11:11 PM


 
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