Some ofyou who are attending Ben Hart's course at
Duchy will remember that we did this exercise in class.
Last night going through my notes I came across mine.
Remember that it was really difficult to evaluate yourself at the time. I re-wrote mine out and asked various people what they thought. Had I got it right!!! People I asked were my hubby, workmates,friend, and sister. All agreed with some and disagreed with others which highlighted the fact that I behave differently with different people and in
different situations. Interesting. I have just scribbled one out for my horse Shorty and compared it to mine quite amazing how in personality we are very
similiar in some ways and not in others. Some of the not's are positive for us. Ie he is very excitable/fearful at
times and overreacts to situations where as I am pretty
laid back. Now have to work out if I behave differently when I am with Shorty compared to work, home etc. bearing in mind that he is a horse and I am a human. Now that I have it down on paper for me and
Shorty it is something else that we can work with together. Just never really thought about it as a whole until it was down in black and white.

Hi Jackie,

Not looked through my notes for a while (ooops!) but it is an amazing thing when you start to really think about it.

I know I am different in different situations - work, home, parents etc but I think I am who I really am when I'm with Crunch - I think he's too intelligent to not see through a mask

I recently finished part of my Counselling Certificate and it was amazing how people changed completely in the group when they started to feel a little exposed and vulnerable - I guess the nature of the course encouraged people to show more of their real selves which made them feel uncomfortable. There was one person on my course who was adamant that 'What you see is what you get' - it turned out that it couldn't have been further from the truth and like many people, I'm not even really sure that she didn't realise this was a mask....

See you in a couple of weeks

Marie

Hi Marie,

Intersting thoughts for me really. I was aware that I did behave differntly in different situations but never
really sat down and evaluated it. I was a little surprised at how other people viewed me in that environment. As you say you cant lie to your horse about how you feel, but do they know you are fooling them if you are in a bad mood when you arrive at the yard but try to cover it up. If I am down I know Shorty picks up on that and seems more cuddly, the other thing I notice with him is that if I am unsure about something, ie when we are free training then he
just hot tails it up the field as if to say sort it out
2 legs then come back and offer it to me again when you feel more confident about it!!!! Charming.

See you the 19th

Hmm this sounds interesting. I haven't done an exercise like this but I would already say I am different things to different people.
Can you tell me what you learned above this as a result of the exercise and how you might have used the info going forward? Has it helped you in any way and how has it improved relationships with humans or horses
Thanks

Hi Indy

I'm not really sure how to answer. People have horse for many different reasons and who we are affects, whether we realise it or not, how we work with our horses (and how we behave in every different situation). If you think about what horse represent to you and look at why you do certain things for them.

I can only talk from my own experiences and to be blunt and to the point horse for me represent friendship, freedom, happiness and peace. That sounds very romantic but the top an bottom of it is that having horses in my life has allowed me to escape. Having horses has, quite litterally allowed me to become who I really am.

This all affects my relationship with my horse becasue I treat him in a way that I like to be treated myself.

It's all quite hard to explain but to answer your questions, yes it has helped my relationship with my horse, not so much in the way I am with him but more in that when I finally realised that I was not alone in what I believed it made things easier to understand. As a whole though it has made a huge difference to how I view my life and I accept that I wear masks in different situations but I am aware that I am doing what I am doing and I can see the necessity of the masks.

Not sure if I have really answered your question or not, or even if what I have written makes sense but I hope it helps in some way.

Marie

Hi Marie,

Havent been around for a few days but feel that you have answered perfectly and I second. My horse completely changed how I percieved horses and other people. I recognised the changes as they developed
but was interested to see what other people who knew me
well thought. That was the eye opener for me. I think the biggest change for me was
learning to say NO I do not agree/want to do that, whereas before I would be thinking no but saying yes.
Through defending Shorty's behaviour and recovery he
taught me to be more confident in myself and think things through before acting. I have learnt that it is
ok to be completely honest with myself and accept what I can and cannot achieve.

So yes Shorty without realising it has completely changed who I am. Hope this makes sense )))

Jackie

I've been wanting to reply to this thread for ages!

That original exercise was something I was really crap at. I couldn't really think of anything that applied to the "who am I" side and not to the "who am I not" or vice versa because I always find things vary depending on the situation. I don't think that's necessarily down to masks (although obviously it is sometimes) - I think it is human nature to respond differently to different situations and that can still be the genuine person. In Chinese medicine (Yin/Yang and 5 element theories) you never seem to consider these sort of characteristics in isolation, it always seems to be compared with someone/thing else

I agree that our horses can see through any masks - they see us how we are not how we want to be - but think that in many cases that doesn't stop people trying to pretend to their horses. Look at all the people who resort to "dominating" their horses when in reality they are scared of them.

So in answer to Indy's question I agree that this sort of exercise is invaluable in helping us with our horses. I may still have a blank piece of paper but the exercise prompted one hell of a lot of thinking! In understanding who we are, we can understand more about how our horses perceive us and therefore their reasons for responding to us in the ways they do.

I've had a really enlightening experience this week. I collected a box of "old junk" from my parents' house and one of the things it contained was an envelope of my old school reports from when I was 4 to when I was 16. (I'm now 29!). It's been amazing looking back at my teachers' perceptions of who I was back then and comparing that with my perceptions, and other people's perceptions, of who I am now. Seeing which characteristics people would still recognise and which I have worked on and dealt with. I think the difference with looking at old teachers' (from 5 different schools) opinions rather than family/friends is that they had no emotional attachment to me and had not known me long enough for their opinions to be changed over time.

Another thing I've thought about this week is the way people who have known you for a long time and spent a lot of time with you might not necessarily notice the changes you make. This comes back (I think) to variable schedules of reinforcement. There are certain things I feel as though I've worked pretty hard on over the past year and a half (since I moved back in with my boyfriend after 2 years living alone "up north") and I can notice big changes in myself. My family have noticed too because they see me intermittently. It's been less obvious to my boyfriend because he sees me on a daily basis and because the VSR has been really stretched out. Whereas I think "oh bugger, I slipped up there, but at least it's not as often as it used to be" he's more likely to think "she's still the stroppy bitch she always was" because of the way the VSR has been so stretched out that I only need to reinforce his opinion occasionally. I guess that is a warning to us all that improving "most of the time" isn't good enough!

Not quite sure what the point of these ramblings is but I think it's vaguely relevant!

Catherine x (and not a stroppy bitch really, honest!)

Hi Catherine!

I understand what you mean becasue for me pinning down who I am and who I am not has been one of the hardest things I have ever chosen to do. As you say it does change according to situation and I can't imagine anyone who can possibly be 'who they really are' 100% of the time - or maybe you could define that as madness

I guess for me, I think I found who I really am by finding the place that I truely feel free from all worries, problems and interference. When I feel free from everything that influences me then I have truely found who I am - the core of 'me'. In any other situation my core 'me' is influenced to some greater or lesser extent. One of the problems with finding who your 'core me' is, is of course if you are happy with who that person it. But of course, if you never find who your 'core me' is, how can you ever change it?

By finding what I believe is the core 'me', I can work out what influences me and then question why - it is the awareness to me that is important, it doens't necessarily mean I need or have to change. For example, I am aware that I worry about what people think about me and so I know when I work with a horse in front of people I am being influenced by their presence and moving away from being my real self. I am working on this situation but in the mean time, I know that if I want to work with a horse at my best, I have to be on my own or with someone who I can really trust.

I also sympathise with people not always seeing the changes in you, although in a way I quite like it becasue it means I worry less about whether people see changes in me or not an what they think of the changes. My mum is adamant that I am the same person who used to throw herself over her child safety gate in temper and Dave is adamant that I am still the same person who he went to school with - although to give him credit he has noticed that I never stut up now and I was quiet at school!

I hope I make sense

Marie x