"Toronto Hockey Camp For Fetuses Attracts Hundreds of Expectant Mothers"
Special to the Toronto Star;
January 21, 2009

A hockey camp for pregnant women, or more specifically for the children that they're carrying, has opened in Toronto. Enrollment levels at the new Toronto District Pre-Natal Hockey School have exceeded expectations, according to the camp's organizer and chief instructor, Carlos O'Heffernan.

"People want to make sure their children get every opportunity possible. I think that's why we have so many students enrolled," said O'Heffernan, a self-described hockey expert and former Junior 'D' centerman who once recorded a hat trick in a Cobourg beer league game 11 years ago (documented on www.hockeydb.com). "We have couples who haven't even conceived yet who are putting down deposits to get on the waiting list. With all of the money in the pro game, can you blame them?"

At his Pre-Natal hockey school, O'Heffernan puts the unborn children through all of the paces.

"Just because they're not born yet, that doesn't mean we baby them. Hockey's a hard, grueling game. The sooner they learn that, the better off they'll be in the long run."

Drills at the school include motivational yelling at the mothers' stomachs, in-class instructional sessions on modern defensive systems, as well as tutorials on effective fore-checking techniques in the ultrasound room.

"The modern game is so complicated, it's imperative that we teach them as soon as possible. If you wait to educate them on the complexities of the left-wing lock after they've been born, they won't be able to grasp all of it, even when they're 18; ask any Junior coach out there today!."

"Yes, the kids aren't wearing skates yet, and we can't really get them out 'on the ice' of course, but we can put them through some...uh, 'dry land training'...as such, get them ready, so when they pop out, they'll be ready to be driven straight to the rink to begin their skating drills."

Some whiny, visor-wearing Euro-lovers have raised concerns about whether fetuses are ready for the rigours of an eight-week long hockey camp. "This whole hockey camp for yet-to-be-born children is well, um, absolutely ridiculous," said Ivan Goodcanadianboy, President of Hockey Canada and the overlord of minor hockey in Canada. "Studies have shown that children should not be skating until they are at least three months old. These fetuses don't have the muscular development to be doing two-a-day workouts, I don't care what anyone tells you."

O'Heffernan bristled at the suggestion that his students aren't physically mature enough for hockey camp. "Hey, we're not crazy here; you have to be in your second trimester. They can't learn anything if it's any sooner than that."

"But look at someone like Sidney Crosby-he started skating when he was three; way too late. That's three lost years! These days, you gotta start them out before they get out. You're foolish if you don't! Otherwise, they won't be fully prepared and conditioned for the rigours of the 75-game schedule of house league PeeWee hockey," added O'Heffernan, who indicated that he plans to expand his business to Vaughan, Oshawa, Newmarket, Oakville, even Smiths Falls.

Parents attending O'Heffernan's school that our reporter pestered in the parking lot explained their motivations. "Isn't little baby gonna grow up to score 50 goals and build mommy and daddy a nice cottage in the Muskokas? Isn't he? Isn't he?" asked Henry Jacobsen, an investment banker from Markham whose wife is pregnant with their first child. "This is WAY more useful than those stupid lamaze classes. Breathe, breathe, squeeze - what the hell is that? Bite me."

Jane Garnerson, 25, wasn't quite so enthusiastic as she walked out of class. "Personally, I think this is quite...silly," admitted Garnerson. "But my boyfriend was quite adamant that I do this. Oh well...as long as he...or she, is having fun, I guess."

Nigel and Yolanda Bicklethwaite of Etobicoke said that they enrolled at the O'Heffernan Pre-Natal hockey school out of a desire for their forthcoming baby boy to experience life to its fullest.
"We want our little baby to enjoy every opportunity we never did," explained Nigel, a postal clerk who was "this close" to making his Bantam 'B' rep team when he was 15. "If my parents had cared enough to give me that kind of training, I'd have MADE that bantam team! And if our kid doesn't make it to the NHL, well then, he's out of the will....obviously."

Too funny! A little extreme perhaps ... or is it really? With today's pipe dream parents, fewer and fewer kids are afforded the opportunity to love the game and as a result wind up packing their hand in once their parents dreams haven't been fulfilled!

This is clearly a very entertaining, tongue in cheek scenario, but then I wonder just how many parents when reading this had pen in hand to write down e-mail addresses, details of the camp and post dated cheques? lol

say is it illegal to write a post dated cheque for July of 2025? lol

What a great idea!

It reminds me of the "Goin' to the "O"" Hockey School.

You paid your basic fee $2500.00 and they promise to nag every scout about how good they are. They work out a complete bio.

But wait...there's more:

For an extra $1,000.00 you get the first 1" added to your height and it's only $500 for every inch after that.

Weight is variable in 5 pound increments at 200.00 per shift.

Complete stats from the European Junior AAA League are compiled. Goals and Assists are only 100.00 each! Want to be a fighter, PIMS are only $10.00 each.

Customized news stories complete with Coaches quotes are also available.

Why play your way when you can pay your way to the "O". Easy payment plan available, totally confidential.

Hilarious!