you know you've lived in Columbia too long, if....
by Anonymous (no login)
You’ve ever taped a BUSCH beer box to your dorm room door with the “B” and the “H” torn off.
The bums in Five Points call you by name.
You know someone who knew someone who knows someone whose grandmother’s slave had sex with Strom Thurmond.
You know who Bob Peeler is and you miss his big red pick-up truck parked next to the State House.
You think the USC vs. Clemson game is a Federal holiday.
You’ve gotten into an argument with someone over the difference between a palm tree and a “palmetto” tree.
You know what a P-bug is.
You can’t remember the last time you saw a real hippie.
You miss Sherlock Holmes on Main Street.
You’ve seen yourself on ESPN’s College Gameday waving a rebel flag around and you weren’t making a joke about it.
You know where to get beer on Sundays even if you have to buy them can-by-can over the counter.
You actually miss Mr. Knozit.
You remember when the guy in the black Santa suit lit the Confederate battle flag on fire at the State House and you think he had the right idea.
You lament the loss of that hot chick, Carrie, who used to do Trivia Night at Delany’s. Even though she mispronounced the word “granite,” she was still hot, goddam it.
Meritage went out of business…and you still live here.
You think the Mojito is the hip “new” drink.
You know how to get on the roof of Knock Knocks, Sharkey’s, Groucho’s and The Village Idiot, and you still do it when you’re drunk.
You’ve successfully snuck into St. Patty’s Day in Five Points.
You’ve ever pointed out Bates West as “the place where they filmed that Road Rules episode.”
You remember $1 Corona’s at Knock Knocks – and miss it.
You have no idea, and don’t even care anymore, who the hell Wilbur Smith really is.
You’ve ever partied in Whaley’s Mill.
If you drank beer at a show at Greenstreets, you’re pretty damned old.
Or if you remember when the place that used to be Elbow Room was a diner.
You remember when 5 Points was a rock culture stronghold.
You can’t go to [name that bar] because you slept with the bartender or bouncer.
You remember Maurice Bessinger dressed in a white suit riding a white horse and NOT wearing a white-sheet and cone hat with the eyes cut out
When the temperature gets below 40 degrees you stock up on bottled water and imperishable goods.
You remember the palmetto trees in Five Points.
You’ve ever rented a house or apartment from state Attorney General Henry McMaster.
You remember “The Commons.” Extra points if you lived there.
You remember when you were allowed to drink beer outside other than Budweiser at 5 after Five.
You know that “chillin’ at the rocks” means.
You know not to go to Wal-Mart on Sundays if you don’t speak Spanish.
You remember when you could score a handjob on Senate Street from a gay prostitute.
You know the bathroom graffiti at the Art Bar by heart— and quote it regularly.
The highlight of your week is when Free Times comes out on Wednesday.
You know where karaoke is every night of the week and avoid it like the plague.
If you’ve never had a beer with Ruba Say… you haven’t been here long enough.
You ever witnessed a drunken couple having sex in a Buick in the parking lot of that blue and red train caboose on Gervais and Pulaski that doubled as an all-night diner. What was the name of that place?
Or, if you didn’t use profanity at Martin’s “Eats.”
You own every Salty Nut and Yesterdays T-shirt since 1998.
You have a surf rack on your SUV— but, sadly, no surfboard.
You’ve ever been to the Woodshed.
You’ve ever woken up in the morning and said “I don’t know how we ever ended up at Group, but…”
You own a Durkin’s membership card.
You’ve ever said, “We can’t go to [whatever bar] tonight because my ex might be there.”
You’ve worn a pink polo, croakies, Rainbow sandals, a camouflaged USC hat and shorts above the knees all in one outfit. And then you had to change because your roommate had on the same thing.
You miss the $1 “Drunk Trolley.”
You’ve ever been blessed by “The Black Pope” in Five Points.
You still compare every other hot dog in town to a “Frank’s dog.”
You skated The Slab or the Burger King bank.
You remember (or more likely have a hazy recollection of) a Rockafella’s rave night.
You actually spent more than a semester in the Towers.
You miss Tuesday nights at the Have A Nice Day Café
You remember when you could put USC in your March Maddness brackets.
You drive friends from out of town past the big metal fire hydrant downtown and say “So what do you think of that?”
You’ve ever actually counted the number squirrels on the USC Horseshoe
You have no qualms about Seersucker
You cried when Pearl Jam canceled their show at Rockafella’s.
You consider Groucho’s one of the five major food groups
You’ve ever referred to the Publix on Rosewood as “Club Publix”
You’ve actually said the words “Cola Town.” You weren’t joking when you said it either.
Joe Azar is currently running for Mayor and you’ve been mentioned in his e-newsletter