Looking for non-biased opinions of moral dilemna for donor eggsJanuary 9 2006 at 5:06 PM
|cazlou (Login cazlou)|
Hi. People at the DE site are biased towards it, so I want opinions from you as to what you think about the fact that a clinic I am considering using makes you sign an agreement that makes donor give up all rights to child and donor recipient not ever knowing, or seeing a photo of the donor, or even knowing their name. One day down the track if the child wants to meet the donor (say at 20) shouldn't they at least have the option of asking them if they wanted to meet? Is this cruel from the child's perspective to never tell them they were from a donor egg, or to give them any way of following this up when they are older. Its a real moral delimna for me, and I just don't know if it is the right thing........
|January 9 2006, 5:11 PM |
This doesn't sound right at all. I am not familiar with US agencies but I am sure many agencies are ok with knowing donor and the rights of the child to find out later? Some agencies will facilitate donations with donors who are fine with contact etc. This doesn't sound good to me at all - I would really question this agency about this. I don't personally think it is right for you to have to sign this. Have you checked out how reputable they are?
I think you will find opinions are biased - that is the nature of them.
I personally would not go for this at all as I believe strongly that the child should know as much as possible about their donor when and if they want to. I personally am in the tell camp - I would never lie to my child or be able to deprive them of their history and right to know how they came to be (and to find/meet their donor if they want). I realise this is a very personal opinion (I am doing DE)and will always generate controversy.
I would advise posting this on the Looking to be a Mom thru Egg Donation board to get some opinions on this from women who have already or who are doing egg donation. Yes they are biased but I believe those are exactly the people you should be talking too - people who have first hand experience of this NOT people who have never had to consider donor eggs. Perhaps you could also canvas opinion on the people who have actually had their children by DE as well?
|This message has been edited by loochieuk on Jan 9, 2006 5:17 PM|
Cazlou, this is not unusual
|January 9 2006, 6:00 PM |
Many clinics will only deal with strictly anonymous donor/recipient interaction (unless it is a known donor situation, i.e sister, friend, etc). I know that Cornell and St Barnabas use only anonymous donors. No pics, they do the matching for you and no contact down the road. However, there are many clinics and agencies that will allow you to see pics and that have donors that are willing to be contacted when the child is grown. Not all donors want to have contact in the future but will often agree to come forward if the child is sick or something. There are many options. It all depends on which clinic or agency that you choose to work with.
(Premier Login Carol_S_A)
That doesn't sound unusual to me, Cazlou
|January 9 2006, 7:36 PM |
In fact, I think they are probably trying to make an important distinction between egg donation and adoption, so that there don't arise any parental rights issues like there can arise in adoption situations (for instance, here in the US, moms typically have six months to change their mind about giving up their child -- wouldn't want the same choice to be available to an egg donor, I don't think). It also would protect egg donors from being called on after the child is born to provide support -- it's the same as with sperm donors, purely anonymous, for the same reasons.
It is a different situation than adoption -- there isn't another biological mom out there, just a genetic source, if you see what I mean. The biology all happens inside the egg recipient after transfer.
ttc #2 since May 2005
4 failed Clomid/IUI cycles
1 failed Bravelle/IUI cycle
1 IVF cycle, cancelled
|This message has been edited by Carol_S_A on Jan 9, 2006 7:38 PM|
It is a difficult decision and as the others have pointed out (m)
|January 9 2006, 10:07 PM |
the approach to donors is not the same across all clinics. Also, the decision about whether to do an anonymous or known donation is very personal. I think it makes sense about the donor releasing any claim to the resulting child as it is NOT an adoption situation. The child would be only HALF biologically the donor's. Some donors WANT to remain anonymous while others would be ok with having their names known or at least giving photos and biographical information to the recipients. If I were choosing a donor I would certainly want to see a photo and know something of their background etc. I would view this clinic's approach as infringing on my rights to have a say in the biology of my child.
On the other hand I don't think one can really equate a donor situation with an adoption situation where the child is fully biologically related. So not sure about the child seeking out the donor in the future. This issue has actually risen in the UK as anonymous donations are now illegal. There has been all sorts of debate over this from a legal standpoint and the availability of donors has decreased dramatically.
I think you need to choose a donor which fits with your viewpoints. Where both parties want an open donor relationship... I am not sure how many donors out there are willing to do this. Are there other clinics with different policies in your area?
I know as part of my services I offer donor facilitation/coordination. So, once a client has chosen a donor I act as a liason between the recipient and donor. I meet with the donor and support them through the screening and IVF process. It also offers an opportunity for the donor and recipient to know something about each other. Like recipients, donors (especially female donors) want to know that they person receiving the eggs will be a good parent. They also often want to know the outcome of the donor cycle - pregnancy or not. So, it works both ways.
PS. If you want MY PERSONAL preference if I were doing a donor cycle I would want to see a photo and pick my donor based on biographical info. I would want the opportunity to ask questions of the donor. However, I would not want to know their name nor would I want contact in the future.
Pat - AKA - Satie37
|January 9 2006, 11:11 PM |
Yes - I spoke to my clinic in Vancouver and they recommended that rather than try to find my own donor egg, I would be better to go to a clinic in Washington (Bellingham or Seattle) to find the donor, and then use my Vancouver clinic for in-between bloodwork, as they can work in partnership. They weren't able to help with all the legal stuff, etc. Pat, if I did happen to find my own donor, what type of fee, etc., would you charge to do all the paperwork and be the middleman, and would the donor I find have to come to Toronto to do all this? Should I give you one of my private e-mail addy's or do you already have that?
For the paperwork you need to see a lawyer and your (m)
|January 10 2006, 11:36 AM |
clinic may be able to suggest one who specializes in reproductive issues and can draw up the paperwork for you. The service I offer is to project manage and represent the interests of the recipient. So, I will meet with the donor just to ensure that they are who they say they are. I am a conduit between the donor and the recipient so if the recipient has specific questions they want asked I will ask them. If the donor wants to know something about the recipient I will provide them with some information (all with prior agreement of course). I also can answer questions from a patient perspective and let the donor know what to expect during a monitoring cycle and the IVF process, providing tips etc. I also keep the donor on track ensuring that they book their referral appointment in a timely manner and make and keep appointments with the clinic. I also offer support to the donor if they have any questions or issues from a non-medical perspective. I also instruct the donor on how to keep track of their expenses and coordinate the reimbursement of those expenses. I am just offering this service in Toronto as it would be difficult to meet offsite with donors out of town.
Pat - AKA - Satie37
Hi Cazlou....I am going the DE route now
|January 10 2006, 8:40 AM |
and my DH and I are going to be in the tell camp for our child. There are many good books out there...on how to approach that subject when the time comes. I went the anonymous route...as I am 44 years old...and most of my friends are around that age...too old to donate for me. The clinic gave a toddler picture of the donor....and a 6 page profile on the donor...her likes and dislikes...medical information from her and her family and briefly what she looks like. She sounds really sweet. I don't want to meet the donor...as she does not want to be known....she is supplying me with an egg to get pg...and I will be the mommy (god willing). I am, however, going to do the umbilical cord freezing ...just in case there is some health issue somewhere down the road. DE was not a hard decision for us..we want to be parents so badly. I feel, when you get ready to tell the child, we can always tell them that we needed help from some very special people. Good luck to you!
i am going the donor egg route also
|January 10 2006, 12:49 PM |
Hi cazlou, i am going the donor egg route myself. Let me tell you the theory behing my clinic. I do not get a picture just a 6 to 10 page layout of her likes and dislikes, all her medical backround, of herself and all family members, her occupation, everything i can possibly know about her without seeing her, all of her hair color, shape of eyes, ears nose, everything but a picture. I live in new york, on long island and its a small place, my agency feels that seeing a picture of my donor i will always see this womans face in the child, and if i do remember her, a possiblity of seeing this person in a mall or a super market. And i do agree with this. Although i am using donor sperm also and i do get a baby pic of him, and i must say that i did somewhat chose the donor on looks a little bit. Also these donor are anoyomous, they dont want to be known, and i am sure that is why there are so many too choose from at my clinic, there is no waiting list. My clinic also gives a 75 to 80% chance of pregnancy with donor egg, as they do such extensive screening on them. I am also in the tell camp, and if needed the donor does agree for medical reasons to be contacted if needed so with that good luck.......chris
|This message has been edited by jettazoe on Jan 10, 2006 12:52 PM|
Chris, I am very interested in DE and have been trying to decide (m)
|January 10 2006, 1:20 PM |
which clinic I want to use if I go this route. Do you mind telling me the name of your clinic? The success rate you have quoted is much higher than many in the country, I'd like to get more information about them. If you prefer to not post too much info, my private email is email@example.com.
I appreciate the info if you don't mind sharing.
Good luck to you!
Carol, it is not the pg rate that you should be
|January 10 2006, 5:05 PM |
interested in, it is the take home baby rate. In the best clinics in the country this is somewhere between 55 and 65%. The best programs being in the mid to high 60s. Anyone quoting 75-80% cannot be telling the truth as the stats for donor egg are listed with the CDC and I have never seen a 75-80% success rate (take home baby) anywhere. Good luck.
|January 10 2006, 5:37 PM |
Hi carol, let me clayify something, on the last series, what i mean by a series is they do ivf in groups of woman, there were a group of about 10 to 12 woman doing donor egg there success rate was 80% of them got pregnant. The name of the clinic is Long Island IVF. There website is www.longislandivf.com. The have exceeded the national average in take home babies in the country. Let me tell you a clinic is only as good as the embryologist. And to tell you how great they are, myself as an older woman when i did ivf last time, i did 2 fresh ivf's and one frozen. All of my eggs made it with the help of icsi and the embryologist, and when they told me for my frozen cycle 75% of them make the thaw, hardly do they all make it, well my all of my old eggs made the thaw thanks to the lab. There is no waiting list for donor egg there, they are the best. My doctor has been in all the papers in new york he is the best around. If you have any other questions you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Also i still have the list of the most current donors if you would like me to email it to you to show you how they work it..........chris
Chris, how generous of you to share this info!
|January 10 2006, 6:01 PM |
Thanks so much. I am actually considering ivf if I can talk my DP into paying for it. I am still talking him into being a dad which is quite a feat he is ambivalent and terrified.. anyway your doctor sounds amazing. I would like to maybe at least consult with him. (I am not ready for the de route just yet)
By the way, it is really nice to hear from you. I have thought about you and wondered how you were doing.
|This message has been edited by kalyani on Jan 10, 2006 6:22 PM|
|January 10 2006, 6:34 PM |
thanks jadu, i have thought of you ladies often, i have been keeping a low profile, as this donor egg route is very draining to say the least, but my donor now has 18 follicles on day 5 of stims, she goes back tomorrow for another check and if all goes well i will go in on jan 19th for transfer, thanks for thinking of me, talk to you soon..........chris<br><br>
Chris - List of Donors
|January 11 2006, 1:05 PM |
Hi Chris. Could I see the list of donors. Is this possible? email@example.com
Chris, THANK YOU so much for the info...(m)
|January 11 2006, 1:04 PM |
I went to the website and see they have an office in NYC, too, which would be more convenient for me as I live in PA. I'm so very happy for you that all has gone so well. Thanks for the offer to email you, I will be doing that today as I have a few questions about your clinic. It's so helpful to be able to get information about real, firsthand experiences. Thanks!