Said in a support group for patients and couples/women considering DE was that some people feel more in control of the IVF process, some more in control of the adoption process. But I agree with others who think that this is not an issue with how you and DH have another child, but whether to have one.
My first choice was adoption, but between my marital issues and the growing realization as I researched that I would have very limited options for adopting at age 47, I ended up doing DE, with no regrets.
As I've said in previous posts, I'm very torn by your situation, because I know what it's like to face a future being controlled by someone else's anxiety and depression. In my DH's case, it was unacknowledged, and to this day, it lurks in the background, although I think becoming a father has improved DH considerably. But he is not financially responsible for the kids; I pay for all the child care. My leave gets used when the kids are sick. I'm the one up all night, although he may help out if it gets really hairy, like the night Bob had to go to the ER.
But I also wonder how much worry about a sibling distracts from your giving Baby Bird all the attention he needs. As a twin mom, sometimes it breaks my heart that I have to constantly divide my attention between my sons. In particular, Bob just becomes a different little boy when he's alone with me or DH; I told the counselor who did their speech therapy assessment that I didn't think Bob would have an aggression problem if he were an only child. And so much of the dynamic between my twins reminds me of that between my younger sister, who was born when I was only 15 mos., and me.
So, I think the ladies who are telling you that you're going to have to make some decisions are right. Is it worth losing the man you love and the financial stability of a partnership to have a sibling? Despite the concerns I had and still have about my marriage and my husband, the answer for me was ultimately, no, it was more important for my boys to have a father, even a one who isn't a role model in every respect.
Maggie (in VA)
|This message has been edited by maggie1961 on Feb 13, 2012 12:17 PM|