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How to give up on my dream of one more....

May 3 2012 at 3:06 AM
lauranz  (Login phoebegrace)

 
I'm just so damn exhausted I can't imagine adding another baby to our mix. I was so clear a month ago that I really truly wanted/needed to try again with our frozens; this month, I feel like a walking zombie.
S at 16 months today is no closer to sleeping through the night than she was at 6 months. She made great inroads about three months ago then the bloody molars started coming through and it all turned to custard.
On top of that we have a huge row brewing with the council/insurers/earthquake commission about our house (our sole financial asset now), which may be red stickered in the near future, which means we aren't allowed in at all, even to get the rest of our stuff out. which is tricky anyway as our road is closed to rebuild retaining walls bust in the earthquakes, probably for the rest of the year.
DH is still sleeping in the other room, working all day and then most evenings well into the night to keep his business ticking over.
I'm barely coping to be honest. I am doing the fighting with the bureaucrats as DH can't work as well as deal with them.
I can't leave the baby in daycare as I'm too nervous about more quakes....not that we could afford it. My job is gone anyway so....but I can't even shift her into her own room as I"m too worried about not being able to get to her in the dark if the ground opens up again.
I've been trying to go away out of town every so often to give myself a break from the broken roads and terrible facilities that are left; even getting to the supermarket is a massive mission now....but I am coming back even more exhausted than I am leaving due to getting zero sleep while away.
And suddenly I think we'd be nuts to go ahead with one more. A dear friend who is also my herbalist/acu just got diagnosed with bad breast cancer today so I also know I probably wouldn't have her support for any future cycle (selfish, I know but that fear is on top of grief at losing her altogether of course).
My mother shifted away after the quakes so we have no family here to help, no money to pay for help and I'm not really making it on 2 or 3 hours sleep at night.
I know my hormones are way out of whack (FSH 71 a couple of weeks ago, postmeno...) but I truly feel like I've been trying to run through quicksand for too long and I'm just totally exhausted.
For those of you who circumstances have dictated a more rapid end to your family building than you had first envisaged once you got lucky with DE, how did you do it?
How did you just let go of that dream altogether?
I know during my loooong IF years I never thought I'd be lucky enough to be asking this question, but here I am...
How do I stop without regretting it for the rest of my life?

 
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Responses

  1. hugs - Pinkduck on May 3, 2012, 6:42 AM
    1. Hey pd - Lauranz on May 4, 2012, 3:15 PM
     
  2. One day at a time. - Maggie in VA on May 3, 2012, 9:42 AM
    1. Vetoed by fate... - Lauranz on May 4, 2012, 3:34 PM
     
  3. Oh Lauranz my heart just breaks for you....m - Hope2009 on May 3, 2012, 4:20 PM
    1. I think trying to put it aside would be good - Lauranz on May 4, 2012, 3:39 PM
     
  4. Oh, Laura - Ariadne on May 3, 2012, 5:54 PM
    1. Thanks yes you're right - Lauranz on May 4, 2012, 3:43 PM
     
  5. Oh Laura, I think of you all the time. - margolis on May 3, 2012, 11:53 PM
    1. Hi m - Lauranz on May 4, 2012, 3:45 PM
     
  6. I don't know but - THK on May 4, 2012, 1:02 AM
    1. We have tried to leave, - Lauranz on May 4, 2012, 3:49 PM
     
  7. You don't have to decide now - Catherine on May 4, 2012, 12:36 PM
    1. Thanks for your post - Lauranz on May 4, 2012, 3:51 PM
     
  8. Oh lauranz, it does sound pretty overwhelming right now (ETA) - BBG on May 4, 2012, 1:48 PM
    1. The sleep is the thing - Lauranz on May 4, 2012, 3:58 PM
     
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