Struggling & can use some advice - leftover embryo/partial hysterectomyMay 20 2012 at 6:02 PM
|Not really anon (Login ariadne2)|
I'm logged in, but for some reason, I want to keep my name off the initial thread. Sorry this is so darn long, but I'm really struggling with this.
I know these decisions are mine ultimately (dh is no help), but I would love some wisdom from all of you. I don't know where else to turn b/c it is my very difficult journey to motherhood that is making this so difficult. And I don't know anyone else who went through so much other than fellow DE moms.
We have 2 embryos left. A day 5 blast at my old clinic from donor #1, frozen, & a day 6 blast from ds #2's cycle, vitrified. We are paying $2000 a year for storage. Gulp.
My uterus is making my life he$$ every month. It's been a year & my flow is still extremely heavy for about 3 days. It limits what I can do those days & I'm getting fed up. HRT hasn't helped with that & in fact, AF seems bound & determined to come earlier & earlier. And right now I'm particularly miserable, as I had to treat a yeast infection from antibiotics & I can't even use tampons to help. I'm wondering if I'll have to bail on a function for my son tomorrow & that makes me really angry at Mother Nature/my body.
My ob/gyn told me a year ago that I was a good candidate for a partial hysterectomy & I would know when I was ready.
I never contemplated more than 2 children. Dh was fine with 1, so more than 2 is insanity in his mind. We are living within our means with 2. Everything would change with 3.
If I could just do a FET, I would be more tempted. But I can't. The RI road I went down for both pgs. was a nightmare. I'm just not up for all the testing & treatment again. It was bad then. Now it would be probably be even worse, as my insurance has tightened up. I got lucky in that my IVIG was 90% covered & my testing was covered. I doubt that would be the case now. But assuming it was the same, I truly shudder to imagine doing it all again.
And doing a FET or a compassionate transfer doesn't appeal to me. I either give it my all or I don't do it. I just do it any other way.
I could transfer the vitrified embryo (which was from ds #2's cycle, so any resulting pg. would be a full genetic sibling to both of my sons) to long-term storage. I haven't done that yet b/c I don't trust my RE to take it back from long-term storage for a FET. I feel like if I transfer it, I likely close the door to the ability to transfer it ever. I haven't asked him, but I just don't trust him on this. I've been, um, misled by him before & I suspect I would be told I would have to do a fresh cycle & then he would take it back should a FET be needed. That's what happened with my 1 embryo at my 1st clinic.
What in the heck do I do? I wouldn't be so torn except that my uterus is really making me crazy. I'm seriously ready to cry. Every month is he$$. If I don't need it anymore, I'm so done. And yes, I'm also angry that with everything I had to go through, I'm dealing with this at only 43.
And I'm angry about all the RI stuff. If I could just be "normal" & just do a FET. I can't even imagine what that would be like. (My problems have been so well-documented through repeat testing plus self-reported symptoms that they should have made me a case study. Seriously. I know I'm not "normal" in this area & that it would take all I did before to even have a fighting chance.)
What else to throw in? My pgs. went OK, but not great. I have issues with BP & I have SPD, which was an agonizing nightmare.
And I'm sure it's not about having 2 boys & wondering if I would have a girl. I really don't care about gender. It's just that I love my boys so much & they're so amazing that I wonder if there would be a 3rd & if so, would it be an equally amazing girl or boy.
Considering my track record, it's a bit of a joke to assume it would work anyway. Ds #2, my wacky beta boy, came out of a cycle with 2 perfect blasts. I do NOT have a great track record, to say the least.
I have no one else to turn to. Dh is great in general, but not for this. He's done with 2 & has no lingering anything over the embryo. (I think I can actually let go of the mediocre from clinic 1 in the fall (I think), so I'm almost positive my issue is that the 1 with my most recent clinic would be a full genetic sibling.) He was initially resistant to a partial hysterectomy for totally irrational reasons that had zero to do with childbearing. Now he just says to do whatever I want.
I know I'm so blessed to have 2 healthy boys. That is 2 more children that I ever thought I would have in those dark days of 1, 2, 3 failed DE cycles, the latter 2 with stellar embryos from the same donor I used for my boys.
So to close, if only it were easy, I would probably transfer it. But it's not & I can't stomach going the RI route again. And I can't stomach a compassionate transfer or doing less than all I did when I succeeded. If I move it to long term storage, that may eliminate options. Yet I can't keep paying $1500 in storage. (Again, I think I can let go of the embryo with clinic #1, which is only charging $500.) And I'm sick of my failing, loser uterus which is making my life miserable every single month. It's been relentless. Yet I live in fear of making the wrong decision. And I will admit it, I live in fear that something will happen to my beloved children & I will be left with nothing. That is my deepest fear & it colors all of this for me.
Any thoughts? I will take offense to none & I know that in the end, it has to be my decision, but it's overwhelming.
OK, dh just drove up with the boys, so I hope this reads OK. I know it's long! I may need to edit later when I can.
- Wait a minute... - Maya3 on May 20, 6:16 PM
- If the answer was clear, I wouldn't be struggling :) - Not really anon on May 20, 6:44 PM
- Agree with maya - cotton on May 20, 6:45 PM
- We posted at almost the same time. More answers - Not really anon on May 20, 7:44 PM
- moved below - BBG on May 20, 10:53 PM
- Hi, would uterine oblation be an option? - Maggie in VA on May 20, 7:54 PM
- It's an option, but - Not really anon on May 20, 8:05 PM
- Yeah, a gf had oblation . . . - Maggie in VA on May 21, 8:13 AM
- Thanks, Maggie - Not really anon on May 21, 10:41 AM
- ((((notreallyanon)))) - Kenny on May 20, 8:30 PM
- I just don't know - Not really anon on May 20, 9:55 PM
- I know this one.... - Lauranz on May 20, 8:55 PM
- Words which resonate - Not really anon on May 20, 9:39 PM
- I totally get it but I think you may just have answered you own question... - lauranz on May 21, 12:12 AM
- Not offended at all! - Not really anon on May 21, 10:43 AM
- Barge from >50 board - Justine on May 20, 9:19 PM
- Thank you! Yes, - Not really anon on May 20, 9:29 PM
- its a hard one - THK on May 20, 9:59 PM
- Thanks, THK - Not really anon on May 21, 10:46 AM
- Warm hugs for you, friend. - M'liss on May 20, 10:05 PM
- ((M'liss)) - Not really anon on May 21, 11:21 AM
- what hits me from your post... - D on May 20, 10:48 PM
- Yes - Not really anon on May 21, 10:50 AM
- Yes, that's poignant... - Maya3 on May 22, 6:02 AM
- Thank you, Maya. Yes, I think - Not really anon on May 22, 7:20 AM
- I wanted mine to be the same gender actually - BlessedThistle on May 22, 8:06 AM
- :) - Not really anon on May 22, 9:30 PM
- Quickie suggestions (ETA) - BBG on May 20, 10:54 PM
- Thanks, BBG - Not really anon on May 21, 11:14 AM
- I understand - BBG on May 21, 11:33 AM
- Thank you, BBG - Not really anon on May 22, 7:26 AM
- Quick response but are you on HRT? - Leslie on May 21, 1:49 PM
- Yes - Not really anon on May 22, 7:21 AM
- would love to - demomone on May 22, 5:15 AM
- Thank you! - Not really anon on May 22, 7:24 AM
- Thank you for all your posts (m) - Not really anon on May 22, 7:28 AM