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Sad, long and all my hurt in a post

May 23 2012 at 11:16 PM
Grace  (Login graceanne)

Hello All - sorry to just post when something is heavy weighing on my mind. I have a beautiful DD that is almost three and the love of my life. I have this nagging hurt that I can not give her a full sibling because I let our last two embryos go. I look back and wonder what was I thinking - why did I do that - and I cry - a lot. I can't really talk to my DH about it - just something that we have done and in his mind thinks they wouldn't have worked anyway. They were not great embryos. We talked about adoption - but I feel like I lost my chance for baby two when I signed those papers telling them I didn't want them - and it haunts me. I don't try to make an excuse here - but we tested our two embryos to try and eliminate a rare disorder that is in my DH's family and he has himself. I thought it was so important to do our best so I put us through an additional cycle with the same donor just to try to up our odds. Our odds weren't good and although we transferred all the embryos without the gene, none took. We had four frozen left all having the gene with the disorder. We went ahead and did a FET with two of the embryos and were successful with our DD. The smartest, sweetest, most beautiful little girl. I am no tell and I had severe guilt and depression when my sweet girl was born and couldn't understand the miracle I was holding. It took me months to feel better and accept my decisions. It was hard - the hardest months of my life. At the same time, when my baby was three months old my DH told me that because of this rare disorder, he was dying. My world stopped and lived in fear everyday that it was his last. An amazing doctor helped him and as of now - he is doing fine. Fast forward to present and I can't help but feel I destroyed those two embryos and it was the biggest mistake of my life. There are plenty of tears in the IF journey I was just hoping mine would stop.My advice to anyone that is trying to decide what to do with extra embryos - is to wait - pay for storage - give yourself plenty of time to think and feel and decide. I hope maybe this post can help someone who is struggling and trying to decide what to do.

 Respond to this message   

  1. What an amazing and touching story . . . - Maggie in VA on May 24, 2012, 9:33 AM
  3. Are you so that they are gone? Call the clinic and check. I had - Kacee on May 24, 2012, 9:39 AM
  5. Oh Grace,....m - Hope2009 on May 24, 2012, 8:37 PM
  7. Hi Grace. - Raindrops1 on May 26, 2012, 7:51 AM
  9. I'm so sorry - minttea on May 26, 2012, 8:21 AM
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