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Mom's funeral and "Memorial" (long, sorry)

June 11 2012 at 1:45 PM
Renata  (Login doglvr)

Dearest friends: I wanted to let you know that we had my mom's funeral on Friday morning and it was just beautiful. I work at a Catholic school (this was my first year) and my Principal arranged coverage for the whole staff so that they could all attend the Mass. She also had all of the students in grades 4-7 attend. I cannot tell you how meaningful it was to be surrounded by such an outpouring of love and kindness. Our music teacher took time to pick some beautiful hymns (she has an amazing voice) and the deacon spent time with me getting to know my mom and wrote a beautiful homily incorporating everything that was important to me. Two of my friends came with us as well, which was wonderful for me (more on this later in reference to DH). DD came too, and spent most of the time curled up in my lap saying, "I love you, Mommy". After the Mass we went down to the social hall and all of the students were waiting for me. I was surprised as I didn't think they were going to be there. Well, they all lined up, all 4 grades, and every single one of those children came to me to say, "I'm sorry for your loss" and I'd say about 90% of them, even the kids I don't know, reached out their arms to hug me. Even the 6th and 7th grade boys! Can you imagine? One little posse of 4th grade girls even surrounded me for a group hug, some coming back a second time to put their heads on my shoulder. It was UNBELIEVABLE. It would have been so sad had I have had to be there in Church just with my immediate family...such a tiny little group. Instead, my mother was honored in a way that was so rich and filled with compassion that my heart felt healed. I am forever grateful.

We had just a small group of friends over Saturday night for food. Some brought poems to read and my one friend who knew my mom from the Bay Area said some lovely things, including how much my parents boasted about me "behind my back" even though they would never say such things in my presence. Another friend who is now on the East Coast but who had helped me take care of my mom years ago wrote a lovely tribute and sent it to me to read. Our 12 year old next door neighbor sang, "I Will Always Love You" as she played her ukileye.

Now, here's the rub. DH and I have been having marital problems for a long time now. He keeps breaking his promise to do marital therapy. I guess I thought maybe he could rise to the occasion and be nice to me after my mother died, but I was wrong. He was present physically. He did pay the priest. He did order a photo of my mom for the service. He did take care of the kids so I could make arrangements. He did clean the kitchen and cook chicken Sat. because I asked him to. He paid for lunch after the funeral. He shed a few tears. I guess for him that was "supporting me". But the fact that when I began sobbing in Church he didn't even reach out to me, and instead it was my girlfriend who wrapped her arms around me...the fact that when I asked him at lunch to say a few words about my mom and he said, "Not now" and then left to make a business call...the fact that again at the Memorial dinner he not only didn't want to say anything about my mom but in fact put her down a few times after my friend said some nice things (like calling my childhood home a "hovel" and saying she was a terrible house keeper)...the fact that he didn't even offer to come to the cemetery with me Thur. to look for a place for her and my father (so I went alone), or come with me to get her ashes (so I went alone)...the fact that when I called him to tell him how surreal it was driving around with my mother's ashes in my car he said he had been on the phone a long time with the insurance company (for our health insurance) and now he had to focus on work so he didn't have time to talk to me...

Now you might say, "Well, this is the way men deal with grief and men don't know how to handle these things" and to that I have to say, "I actually do know men who can be present and who do know how to lend comfort". It's just not the man I married. It's unacceptable to me to be with someone who cannot support me in my greatest times of need. He has a LONG history of this, starting with my pregnancy with DD. So added to my feelings of loss for my mother, are the feelings of loss knowing that this man just isn't capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. I'm going to sit tight, not make any drastic decisions and hope he doesn't just go and leave the marriage abruptly as he is clearly unhappy.

It feels so silly to be mourning this as well, but tomorrow is DD's last day of preschool. She has had the same teachers for 2 years and I am going to miss them and the community so much.

So my heart is so vulnerable right now and I just had to share with you guys, as I know you will understand. Thank you so much for all of your previous posts. I have been re-reading them often for comfort. Hugs to all of you amazing women.

 Respond to this message   

  1. What a beautiful service! - Raindrops1 on Jun 11, 2012, 2:12 PM
  3. What a wonderful homegoing ceremony! - Veesha on Jun 11, 2012, 4:22 PM
    1. Re: What a wonderful homegoing ceremony! - mary on Jun 11, 2012, 4:34 PM
  4. I am so glad that the service was so peaceful and comforting. - margolis on Jun 11, 2012, 4:37 PM
  6. wonderful.... - sas on Jun 11, 2012, 4:50 PM
  8. What a beautiful tribute... And a crushing disappointment... - lauranz on Jun 11, 2012, 6:04 PM
  10. Your service sounds so wonderful...I am Catholic - Dee S. on Jun 11, 2012, 6:31 PM
  12. wow, Renata - Bethlyn on Jun 11, 2012, 7:21 PM
  14. lovely service Renata - THK on Jun 11, 2012, 10:49 PM
  16. Dear Renata - demomone on Jun 12, 2012, 3:26 AM
  18. I'm so glad the service was such a comfort to you. - thesameboat on Jun 12, 2012, 6:02 AM
  20. oh so much grief right now Renata...m - Hope2009 on Jun 12, 2012, 9:51 PM
  22. The service sounds so wonderful - FL Gal on Jun 14, 2012, 8:00 PM
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