Hi, Jennifer. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I was there once, too, although it has been so long that it seems like a distant memory.
FWIW, neither dh nor I has any OE children. We have 2 wonderful boys, both via DE.
As you can see from my tickers, they are now 2 & 4, so our ttc journey is a fading memory, but I was 35 when we moved to DE. It took another 3 yrs. to get a baby out of it.
Honestly, I couldn't be happier. Do I worry that someday they may have questions or not share my utter contentment? Yes, but in terms of loving my children & not caring a lick that they came to me via DE? I'm there 100%.
When I 1st considered DE, I ruled it out, as did dh, but we came around when the reality of my high fsh & very, very poor response to stims sunk in. For me, the moment came when I realized that walking away without a child, somehow, someway, wasn't an option. I wanted to be a mom & it seemed that DE was by far the best option.
As the therapist we had to see to satisfy our clinic's requirement said, "DE may be 2nd choice, but the child is not 2nd best."
Some women do experience lingering or sporadic grief over the lack of the genetic connection, but that has not been my experience. I feel like I'm back in the land of the living after being in the dark infertility trenches for years. I'm a mom now & that's what occupies my time & fills my heart. The emptiness & agony of longing to be a mom & having no children is gone, thank heavens.
I hope this helps some. I do remember being where you are now & feeling what you are feeling, but it's now like it happened in a different life. The pain is gone & the joy is limitless.
If you can bear it, as I know it's hard, read the threads on this board. The posters are dealing with pregnancy & parenting issues. You will know when you are ready for those issues to replace the debate of OE via DE in ttc issues.
Hugs to you.