My heart breaks for kids who are treated this way
. We are not there yet but I do see it in our future that older DD could be left out b/c of disruptive tendencies.
One thing that has helped my DD tremendously is giving her an outlet and focus for her energy, which has also helped her self-esteem and balance/ coordination, is gymnastics. If your DD hasn't tried that she might enjoy. (She is always running into things, tripping, falling over for no good reason, b/c she doesn't see what's in front of her.) My DD has been doing it for a couple of years now and particularly loves tumbling class. She spends about 90% of her time at home cartwheeling, round-off'ing, and hardstanding her way through our family room, just back and forth! It channels all of that energy in a way that seems to calm her a bit. If you can find any sort of thing like that DD might try, it could help? When my DD gets really angry, she goes to the basement and really lets loose with running cartwheels, etc, and gets some of that bad juju out!
GL, Dee, stay in touch on all of this - and know you are NOT ALONE! Hugs to you and DD - and I really would call GS National and get some help with this.