Do any of you have experience with this? If so, how did you know you were ready to move to DE? This is becoming more and more like something I may need to consider, and I can't help but wonder...can I love a DE child as much as my bio child? I'm so deathly afraid that I would treat a DE child differently or I wouldn't "see myself" in a DE child like I do with my DD. This really tears me apart inside--so much so that I feel almost too scared to consider DE more (even though I know that deep down what is most important is having a sibling for my DD). Can anyone help? Thank you in advance for any insight.

nt

bio dd age 9
de son age 4

love em both to death. life is just so very good. you will not regret at all.

I have both and I adore my DE DS. They love you unconditionally so it is impossible not to love them back. And the best thing is seeing my children love each other.

I posted to you on yellow board. It is so sweet to see my two boys loving on each other.

Also, you could ask all mothers of more than one child and you will find that it is very common to fear not being able to love the second (or third) child as much as the first. So it is a fairly universal issue for parents. DE doesn't change it much unless you are very conflicted about de. If that is the case, you should get that piece figured out before proceeding.

Golda

I have 2 bio sons from a previous marriage ages 23 and 11. I knew it was time to move onto DE when we'd been trying almost 3yrs, had many several miscarriages and chemical PF's. It was the absolute right move for us.

well, all of your question LOL

I do have both bio and DE children. I love them all! and like others have said, it warms my heart to see them all together and how much they love each other "when" you start to love your DE child comes I think at different times for each person. I loved my child the minute the transfer was done others is when they see the baby on US...for others it's the first movement, and still others it's when the child is born Now that Trystan is almost 2yrs old, I hardly ever think of DE anymore....he's just Trystan and he's all ours

I just want to let you know that all your fears are normal. I also want to tell you that I had the same fears you are having now when I was considering using DE and also while I was pregnant. I often wondered how my feelings would be for my DE child since I love my bio child so much, I didnt think the love would compare. The instant my DE baby was born, I had incredible love for him. I can't say that I love my bio child anymore. I love them both unconditionally. The love that you will feel is amazing. I really don't think of the DE anymore. I thank God everyday that my eggs were broken because I wouldn't have this beautiful baby today. This was the baby I was suppose to have! I wish you the best of luck! I can guarantee you that when you are holding your baby in your arms, using DE will not be an issue anymore. PLEASE BELIEVE!!!

I have 4 bio children from my first marriage and after many failed cycles with my eggs went on to DE. I have one DE little girl and DE twins on the way. My DE little girl is loved so much by all my children and by us. She is no different whatsoever and even though my others know she is DE and from a new father they love her unconditionally as their little sister. Wouldn't swap her for the world.

We tried off & on for about 10 years to have another, and at many times, I thought I was ok with not having any more. When I started to get in my late 30's, we finally decided to adopt. We were going to adopt a little girl from China, and had completed (and paid) for everything and were just waiting for our match. I woke up one day and decided I'd like to try DE even though I had not even considered the possibility before because I thought it was too weird. Surprisingly, DH agreed and we jumped into DE fairly quickly, thinking we'd continue with the adoption if/when it didn't work. It did work on the first try, and then I flipped out.

I flipped out even more when I found out it was twins. I thought surely it would ruin all of our lives, especially my son's. I was certain that there was no way I would love these babies as much as my DS. Part of me also felt very selfish for dropping the adoption of an orphan, and going this route instead. An extremely difficult, high risk pregnancy didn't help anything either. It was really one of the darkest times of my life.

Fast forward to now.... My girls are almost two, and are the lights of ALL of our lives! They couldn't be more mine, and I often get tears in my eyes just looking at how amazing they are. My DS loves them to pieces even though he swore he wouldn't, and they love him just the same. He's the first person they ask for when they wake up in the morning! I don't ever forget that we did DE, I just don't care, if that makes sense. I now know these girls were meant to be part of our family all along, even though it was a long and winding road to get them here!

Good luck to you. Considering my experience and the experience of others on this board, I'm sure you wouldn't regret moving to DE.

Suzi

I have a bio DS, 18, from my first marriage and a DE DS, 3. I worried just as you are. And my fears melted away when I saw that little face for the first time.

I couldn't possibly love a child more than I love each of my boys- funny to say it that way, but I have so much love for both of them, and each are unique individuals but NO LESS MINE in any way. I love them both more than I can possibly say, and do not feel differently towards either of them, well, other than the fact that my older son is a teenager and, by definition, a butthead!

Also fyi as an aside, my bio DS looks nothing like me so I wasn't concerned about not seeing my own face in my DE DS. I can definitely already see my personality traits in my DE DS, though!!

Roni

I have a genetic DD and just gave birth to twin boys from DE. The boys don't look like DH either! One looks just like the donor (fine with me as she's beautiful) and the other looks like his own person. Anyway...I posted a response to this question on the yellow board that you can read, but I just wanted to add that it doesn't matter AT ALL that the boys don't look like me or DH. They are so adorable and sweet and the fact that I carried them for 9 months makes me their biological mother. The shared experience the three of us had with my pregnancy and now with nursing is what has created the bond and the love.

Give yourself time to feel all the feelings. It's not an easy decision to make. But rest assured I have never heard any on this board or in my personal life ever regret having a DE child.