Feel like ending it all

I just needed to put all my feelings down for someone to read. I recently had my 2nd m/c & just turned 35. We've been ttc for 3yrs & both bfps were natural. 1st m/c was BO, 2nd happened @ 7wks after seeing hb @ 6wks. I am running out of hope. I don't even know if I can make it through life anymore. It's been almost 2 months since my m/c. At first when I started to think about suicide I just told myself it was normal to have those thoughts. I've been having them more & more. I don't actually think I'd do it, but I'm so scaring myself. I don't want to go on antidepressants, I want to just go back to the way I was before IF. It was so amazing, how free I felt when I got my last BFP. It was like all the pain & torture dissolved. Until I started worrying about another m/c. I just don't know many people who've had 2 m/c in a row, with high FSH(11.7), who have gone on to have a successful BFP. I feel like even if I was lucky enough to get pg again, would I just lose it again?? If anyone reads this, & you can give me some hope, I so desperately need it right now. I am so sad to think I will never know what our kids would look like. How will I get through that?????