Barging in here (long time lurker).
I want you to know that i've been there. I've felt hopeless, depressed, didn't know which direction to turn, felt like my husband was going to leave me, felt worthless, felt like ending it all when i got my diagnosis. I was on the chinese herb version of antidepressants b/c i was literally having panic attacks, just breaking down crying. It was an awful, awful time in my life. I had a natural m/c a few years before starting ttc, got my high fsh diagnosis, had my 1st IVF cancelled due to cysts (i have stage iv, inoperable endometriosis), next IVF got pg but m/c at 9w due to Down's. That confirmed every RE's diagnosis of me that i would NEVER have my own child b/c my eggs were bad, my fsh was high & i was a poor responder.
I don't know what it was in me that just 'clicked' one morning. I was starting to get angry b/c i kept going to doctor after doctor & the ones that would take me on would use the same protocol as the one that was used when i m/c (only got 2 eggs & 1 was left to transfer but obviously that one was bad, too). Some doctors even laughed in my face (not kidding), asking me what i expected them to do for me since my case was so far gone. I found a doctor that would help me & who instilled some sort of hope back in me. By the time my cycle was over & I was waiting for my beta, I had a renewed sense of hope. I thought for sure i wasn't pg but i was already signing up for his next cycle b/c that's how much i believed in him for believing in me. Thankfully, i was pg that cycle & i have a 1yo dd now. But i just cycled in his office this past summer (not with him though, my mistake) & it was a BFN. I'm cycling again right now trying desperately for #2. There's no guarantees with any of this but you must have faith in yourself & faith that it will work itself out.
I'd love to chat one on one with you if you need it. I have so much to say that i could literally write a novel. I had noone to talk to about this (i had my good friends, of course, but they all got pg their 1st time trying so although they tried to lend support, they couldn't ever REALLY understand what i was going through). If you'd like to talk, here's my email & we can take it from there...kmenn1025@optonline.net.
Please be strong. I know it's hard but please believe everything will work itself out.
(((hugs)))
Kimberle
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