I just lost a little girl at 16 weeks. Her sonogram picture sits on my nightstand where I tell her I love and miss her. The materity clothes are finally put away though that took several painful weeks to do. My tummy is back to normal but my heart still aches for her to be where she is suppose to be. I just don't understand it. Everything seemed great at the level 2 sonogram at 13 weeks and at 15 weeks no heartbeat. I would have been 19 weeks right now.
I spent 5 long months taking vitamins & detoxing herbs. And 4 long years, going through Ovulation test strips and many negative pregnacy test. I was so positive it was going to be another negative preg. test that I bought a couple of wine coolers to deal with the disappointment. Not good I know but I was ready to give up. I was shocked when two lines appeared and not just any line, it was a very dark line. My other 2 positive test were faint. Morning sickness was horrible--vomiting up to 7 times during the last part of the pregnancy. I never thought I would lose a pregnancy that far along. She looked perfect on the sonogram and even when I had her. That only left me feeling as if it must of been my fault. I can't understand why I even got pregnant or stayed pregnant so long and suffered so bad if I was just going to loose her. Worse, I wanted a girl and I wanted to have her that month and year she was to be born. It was horrible going to the hospital to be induced and leave with her to bury. She was suppose to be in my arms when I left that hospital not in a box. How cruel life can be.
I don't even have time to grieve and take time out. I'm 40 and my FSH was 14 back in 2004. I can't seem to find a GYN to take my FSH or Inhibit B level to see if I can even get pregnant again. They keep referring me to an RE. Like we have the money for that! I'm stressed out if my levels are too high, if I even have any good eggs left and if I do get pregnant, will I end up just lossing another one. It put such stress on my relationship--he felt like he was just a donor and I would get highly upset if he did perform when I had an LH surge. I wanted to turn to IUI so the stress of timing, etc is on the doctor but finacial we can't. Having a child shouldn't be so painful, so cruel or stressful.