I just needed to put all my feelings down for someone to read. I recently had my 2nd m/c & just turned 35. We've been ttc for 3yrs & both bfps were natural. 1st m/c was BO, 2nd happened @ 7wks after seeing hb @ 6wks. I am running out of hope. I don't even know if I can make it through life anymore. It's been almost 2 months since my m/c. At first when I started to think about suicide I just told myself it was normal to have those thoughts. I've been having them more & more. I don't actually think I'd do it, but I'm so scaring myself. I don't want to go on antidepressants, I want to just go back to the way I was before IF. It was so amazing, how free I felt when I got my last BFP. It was like all the pain & torture dissolved. Until I started worrying about another m/c. I just don't know many people who've had 2 m/c in a row, with high FSH(11.7), who have gone on to have a successful BFP. I feel like even if I was lucky enough to get pg again, would I just lose it again?? If anyone reads this, & you can give me some hope, I so desperately need it right now. I am so sad to think I will never know what our kids would look like. How will I get through that?????
I'm so sorry for your pain and I don't have any words of wisdom that will make you feel better but if you are having suicidal thoughts you should talk to someone right away. I know you said you don't want to take antidepressants but what your feeling could end up getting much worse if you don't seek treatment. Maybe call your dr and say you have severe depression and they will get you in for an appt today. Maybe they can recommend counseling if you are against being on meds. Please please please seek help for yourself.
First of all, let me just say how sorry I am that you are going through such a difficult time. I really don't think that suicide is the answer though. You should talk to your significant other and also a doctor right away. Don't be afraid to open up to them to talk things out. I have had 2 family members go through similar experiences and both were put on medication TEMPORARILY and now they are 100% back to normal. Really really really think about this before you do something that you or anyone else can ever get back. Think of your family and friends that would miss you soooooooo much if you weren't here.
Anyways, to give you hope I have a story. My sister in law was 36 and going through early menopause. She was ttc for 6 years before finally becoming pregnant. She had extremely high FSH, much higher than your 11.6 (I am pretty sure her's were in the high 20's). She now has 3 children via IVF!!! So there is soooo much hope for you.
I am also ttc #1. I have never had the opportunity of even becoming pregnant, and it's been 2 years. I am 26 and I also have an FSH of 11-13, it's been varying slightly lately. I can't believe at 26 I have these problems, it's very discouraging. But I never give up hope no matter how depressed I am feeling. As a matter of fact Today is CD 4 and this is my 2nd IVF cycle. If it doesn't work then I plan to look into adopting.
Just don't give up hope. I know what it feels like to want a child so bad, but I know that we will be mothers someday. Don't give up on that inkling of hope, hang on. Have you ever considered donor eggs, donor embryos, or adoption? Those are great options too. Best of luck to you and please please please talk to your doctor and significant other about this. I wish you the best and keep us posted so that we know you're ok. Luv ya.
Dear anon, I am so sorry you feel this way. I have been there and can understand how you feel. It took us 6 years and 4 pgs before we finally got our beautiful son.Our third loss was the worse for me. My dh had vericocele repair done and they had told us that it didn't work. hen all of the sudden we ended up pg naturally and I felt like it was our miracle. We lost that one to a blighted ovum. I was so mad at the world and just wanted my life back. To make matters worse my sister who didn't want anymore children ended up pg while her and her dh were both unemployed. Her baby shower was on the due date of that pg. What helped me was that I went and bought some books from a christian book store about m/c. I am not overly religious but it helped to read that it wasn't my fault, etc. After that loss is when I found out about my high fsh. What a double whammy. Dh and I decided to start focusing on s more. It was all just too stressful. We did start looking into adoption and started taking herbs and doing acu. We even set up our first ivf. The insurance company denied our treatment so we didn't start the bcps that month. As it turns out that was the month that we got pg with ds. I freaked out through that whole pg. I had panic attacks everytime I had to go to the doctor but everything went great and our 3 yr old is such a delight. Ome thing we learned from that third m/c was that my estrogen level was too low to sustain the pg. With ds the doc put me on estrogen patches and watched me closely. Since it took so long for ds we decided we better start trying quickly. We got pg again when ds was 1 but lost that at 7 weeks. Then last September I kept waiting for my period. I even had some spotting but no flow. Sure enough we were pg again. They watched us closely again and I had to have the estrogen patch and prometrium but we now have a beautiful 5 month old. I was diagnosed with high fsh-12 when I was 30 yrs old and had my boys at 32 and 35. I hope this helps. Please get some help though. At least some counseling.
I am so sorry for your losses, but please don't give up. I so understand how hopeless our infertility journey can be. I have never had a m/c- never had a BFP, so I can not say I know what that feels like. But I have had more unsuccessful IUI's/IVFs that I want to count and I completely understand how the desire for a baby is all consuming, and trying to imagine life childless sometimes seems unbearable. BUT please- always remember there is hope. I have been on these boards long enough to know that miracles happen all the time!!! I also have had a couple friends who have had one or more m/c to go on to have healthy pregnancies. My sister-in-law in fact had 2 early m/cs before having my neice.
Please, please, please consider getting treatment for how you are feeling. It is absolutely worth it... you are worth it! I understand that going on meds may not be for you, but I'm sure there's many options, or only short term meds that may help you. Please contact your doctor or a hotline if possible or even a church. Please stay strong for yourself and for all of us that understand how you feel. Please don't hurt yourself, and in turn hurt those that love you.
I'm praying for you and will keep you in my heart!
No matter how things turn out, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please make sure you call someone for help. Depression is such a terrible thing, but it can be controlled. You need to reach out to someone now.
I think high FSH is especially difficult. I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. M/Cs are pure torture and extremely heartbreaking. I've had 2 m/cs (like you 1 BO and 1 after seeing the h/b) and 4 chem pgs (check out my signature for my full IF history) before having our dd.
I found myself very depressed during and after the 7 IVFs that we endured. My marriage ended too. I sought psych. help and was perscribed prozac. I took it for a little less than 6 months and it literally lifted me out of depression and dark clouds I lived under. It was a life and soul saver. Believe me I never thought I'd be seeing a shrink and taking anti-depressants. But I did have a chemical imbalance due to situational depression.
That said, you are so young and your FSH is not that high. Have you done any ART?? Luckily you can get pg naturally. So yes......It can and will happen for you. Praying that you find the golden egg.
Best,
Lindy
ttc#2
38 yo
Day 3 bloods on 08/17/07
FSH 17.9
E2 46
LH 9.7
BFP!!!!!!! 09/10/07 EDD 05/21/08
Switched to Dr Davis @ Cornell
7/03 IVF#6 BFN
9/03 IVF#7 Chem pg
Divorced DH
New DH :)
4/05 Natural pg (m/c 7-8w triploidy)
5/05 FSH was 19.4
1/06 Natural pg (m/c 8w BO)
4/06 Natural pg................dd 12/20/06 :)
9/07 Natural pg, used CBFM for the 5th month and used Pre~Seed FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME. Also drank grapefruit juice everyday and added decaf green tea.
This is such a serious issue, and I don't feel like my post will do justice to the topic, but I need to respond. Like you, I have had thoughts like "what is the point to my life?". I am very sorry for your losses. Miscarriage is a major life tragedy and should be treated as such. After my recent m/c (I think I've had 2, but the first one was undiagnosed and very early), I realized that my problem was not entirely IF, but my OBSESSIVE THOUGHTS about IF. A lot of us get stuck in an obsessive rut that sucks the joy out of life, but it doesn't have to be like that. My point is that you really still can find a way to enjoy life. It is possible, but it takes a concerted effort to step back and get perspective on things. I think that is where professional help and even medicine can really be of benefit. You are not alone! Also, you are younger than many of the women on the pg board, and have an FSH much much lower than most. I really think you have time to take a month or two to try to pull away from obsessing on TTC. Get help, or if you don't want to do that, start making it a priority to do fun things like listen to music, dance, be with friends, get a dog, anything that will hold your interest and make you feel good. There is a way to get back to your old self, I am sure of it. Keep away from internet TTC groups for a little while. Also, it has helped me a lot to figure out my plan B, which is to adopt. I have been reading stories about happy adoptions, and thinking about all the people I know who have adopted or are adopted and feel very close and happy with their adoptive families. Instead of running the negative thoughts in your head over and over, have some positive thoughts that you replay when you start to feel down. You could think of my mother in law who had 2 mc back to back and then went on to have 8 kids, or my best friend's mother who had 2 mc and went on to have two healthy pg in her mid 30s. It sounds so simplistic, but I really think a shift is focus is the key.
You have time, you are young, and your FSH is not that high. Dealing with IF and miscarriage is a difficult situation to be in, but this is not the end of all happiness in your life.
First off please know that this site doesn't get as many hits as others thus our delayed response (I mainly post on the new high fsh board when you're ready stop by). Please don't take that as no one cares how you are feeling, I'm sure by the time you get to my post you'll have realized that we do care.
The pain you are feeling is so very clear through your post and your thoughts of not knowing what your kids will be or look like and not wanting any more pain are fears many of us have each day. I know I feel them everyday. I too have had early losses, I have been TTC #1 for over 3 years now (been off bcp for 6 years now). I have been in the state of mind you are in now wanting an end to the pain, but as you know taking your life isn't the answer and I'm glad those thoughts you’re having scare you. I hope they scare you so much that you take the next step and talk with someone.
You have taken a large step coming here talking about this as the others have said it's important that you talk w/ someone. Maybe try a consoler someone who isn't licensed to prescribe meds. They will be more willing to help you release your pain and help you find yourself again than to just give you some pills. Look into your local Resolve chapter for recommendation for someone experienced with IF related depression.
You ask how you will get through it. Today it may be a struggle to get through each minute but as the days past those minutes will become hours than days, life will return to what you want if you let it and if you're ready to let it. I wish I could fix this for you, but unfortunately it's gone to take time.
Hang in there and please know I am here for you.
(((HUGS)))
I had 6 miscarriages in a row. We started trying when I was 39 and I finally got pg whne I was 41 with DD. Now, after DD was born we started to try again thinking it would be several m/c aggain for #2, but we did not have any m/c; I am now 14.5 weeks pg and all is well. This baby will be 14 months younger than DD. My highest FSH measured (I stopped after 2 meansurements) was 15.9.
I continued on getting pg as soon as possible and yes, it was very hard and devastating and heart breaking and all of that. I felt despair, self pity, hopelessness and also a feeling of pure inadequacy as a woman not able to do the most natural thing most women do so easily. But every pregnancy brought new hope and the RE said I will have a healthy baby eventually. I stuck with that and kept hoping. When I finally got pg with DD I knew in my heart this one would stick; I don't know how. I just knew. And I knew that also with this pg; I just knew and I can't explain how.
OK, so I will be completely honest here; DD was born with Down syndrome. It was a total surprise to me and DH and also the doctors because her measurements were very good and everything looked perfect. The only thing that gave us low odds was the NT blood test, and her odds were 1 in 36. Anyhow, it was devastating when she was born but still the happiest day of my life because she is so cute, happy, wonderful and seems to me smart. She is the light of my life and I would never want to be without her. If someone asked me if I would want a Down syndrome baby I would have said no, but now I say yes because she is such a joy.
At this point you might think how could I go on and continue because we did feel like the world was against us and all we wanted was a family and now we have a baby with unknown problems to face the world. We were very sad but everywhere we went strangers would say what a great little baby DD is and she is so cute that we should have more. This happened on several occasions. We were already thinking to try for #2 anyway but the comments fave us courage.
Anyway, you are young; only 35 and lots of time left. You have so much to look forward to and yes, the road may be long and arduous but nothing in life that is worth while is easy. You can do this; get testing done so you know what the reasons are for your m/c. If you did not get the products of conception tested then get the frequent m/c workup and make sure there are not thyroid issues or blood clotting issues. This can be done now while y ou are not pg. If you have more m/c (which you might) then get the products tested so you can find out what the m/c issues are.
I wanted to die, but I hung in there and my life is extremely rewarding now. You have a lot to live for and you don't even know what those reasons are at this point. I'm happier than I have ever been; I want that for you too so keep trying. Get the testing and hang in there.
First of all, please, please please talk to one of your doctors about therapy recommendations. Your ob/gyn should know some therapists who are familiar with pregnancy loss and/or infertility. It's fine to be reluctant about meds but don't for a minute think that meds are the only way to treat how depressed & discouraged you are right now.
Second: please get to the library or bookstore & get a copy of Coming to Term about recurrent miscarriage. I read it after my second m/c and although I cried buckets, I felt incredibly relieved to know I was not alone and not ready to be written off. He cites statistics that 70% of women who have had 3 miscarriages will go on to have a healthy pregnancy & delivery! 70%. Not exactly the gloom & doom speech we get from those peddling egg donation services.
For hope, my story in brief is that I, too, had a blighted ovum at 8 weeks and a second m/c at 11 weeks after having good heartbeat. FSH testing previously had been 22 and I was told to go straight to donor eggs. But I kept reading, researching, and started acupuncture & chinese medicine. Found the Network 54 boards & a community of people like me.
I consulted a recurrent miscarriage specialist after reading Coming to Term. He agreed that I was not infertile per se, as I was getting pregnant, but we needed to get to the bottom of why I was miscarrying. He started me on progesterone after noting my level was low during the last m/c (my regular OB didn't even want to test for prog but I insisted after being on these boards). She's no longer my ob.
Last August, I delivered my daughter, who is now 13 months old & thriving. I'm almost 44 and we're trying for another.
In my teen years I had a very hard time struggling with life. I grew up in an abusive home and personally had experienced every type of assualt on myself. When I was 17 I found out that the man I put behind bars for rape and molestation of me for over 5 years, was free and i wasn't notified and he was living only 20 minutes from me and right next door to other kids.
At that moment, life just got to be too much. I had the thoughts like you did a lot of times and then one day just did it... I locked myself in the bathroom in my parents house and attempted to slit my wrists. I did many times and FORTUNATELY my dad came home early that day and stopped me. I was lucky, I did almost die. One time after that I tried again with pills and someone rescued me again. I guess that it was a sign that I wasn't supposed to do it.
I know how much your life is in chaos right now and I totally understand why you don't want to go on antidepressents, but here is what i suggest. you need to talk to someone, even if is a crisis hotline or a clinic or a close friend. You would be surprised how many women that struggle with IF go through these feelings. I am now a counselor (volunteer) at a house for abused women and I share my stories growing up and struggling with IF.
I did have one miscarriage after IVF/ISCI and I know how hard it is. Somehow you need to find the strength to go on. Find the positives in life now.. Your lover, your family, your friends. The little things in life that still make you smile.
Please know that myself and all of us girls are here for you... Don't be scared to talk to us. And there is a lot of women that have struggled with IF and miscarriages and have gone on to have children of their own. many of them. I was forunate enough to concieve naturally after my miscarriage and I do have a close friend that is pg now for the 3rd time and she miscarried the first 2 in the first trimester.
I am praying for you an dI h ope that you find the strength.
i know i am really just repeating what all the others have said but it needs to be repeated over and over because it is so important. IF is a horrible struggle. the pain it causes with loss after loss, m/c after m/c, pain, emotions, money, humility...there is nothing like it and it is impossible for anyone not in the midst of it to understand. but that being said, it does not a life make. you will go on to have a life after IF. it will be a wonderfully normal life with ups and downs and loves and losses. it will be a life with children if you want them (because you will be a mom if you want to be, one way or another). but without life, there is nothing, no chance at happiness, no chance at motherhood.
what you are feeling is so perfectly normal in this situation. but you have to know when you need help and ask for it. if you don't want medication at least find a good therapist/priest/rabbi...who you can talk to about your feelings. someone who will listen and help you understand what you are going thru and that it will end. one way or another you will feel happy again, complete again. whether it is deciding to be child-free or adopting or donor or getting pg on your own. find someone you trust and can be honest with so you can be honest with yourself.
this pain is temporary. don't make it permanent by doing something irreversible. your life is too precious for that.
we are all here for you. we understand and we care. jennifer
I'm so incredibly sorry that you are having so much pain- and I too have had two miscarriages which have torn my soul in pieces (some days).
However- you don't have to have so much pain. This IS depression that you are writing about.
PLEASE SEE A SHRINK SOON. Why don't you want to go on antidepressants- there is nothing wrong with it. Who knows- the stress could be contributing to the IF as well...
PLEASE don't torture yourself and see a doctor. There are plenty of good drug therapies out there to assist you that won't interfere with pregnancy- but rather will give you the strength to go on with trying to get pregnant.
If you would seek assistance for IF, why not seek assistance for other challenges your body/spirit is having.
HUGS HUGS HUGS. Be kind to yourself, find a good anti-depressant.
I went through a horrible depression a couple of years ago. The meds I was on weren't kicking in, and the therapist I was seeing offered too little, too late. I needed help and I needed it IMMEDIATELY. I finally checked myself into the psychiatric ward of a nearby hospital. I stayed a week. It is the best thing I've ever done. They switched my meds and the new ones kicked in right away. I walked out of there a week later feeling great, and haven't been depressed since. That was 2.5 years ago.
Please get help for the depression. It's an evil monster that warps your perspective and makes everything seem hopeless.
Oh I'm so sorry anon. First, your FSH is much lower than so many other women who have gone on to get BFP's. Maybe there's something else causing the miscarriages?? Please look up Shilpa's posts in the new high fsh forum, she is a great source of info. Your age is very good too, it really is.
I am going to go against the grain with one issue - because I think your instincts to not take antidepressants is right. It sounds like your depression is circumstantial, and that if this situation was resolved you would go back to being a happy healthy person very fast. I know a lot of people who have gotten trapped on antidepressants and other people who feel it left them with lasting changes in their personalities/numbness, etc. I also know a lot of people swear by them - but there is a dark side to AD's and if you go to AD message boards you will see it. Anyhow it is a very controversial issue and since I figure most people say to take them I need to say my dissenting view! Suicidal thoughts are really rough. One thing that worked for me was quitting them cold turkey, when I really became frightened they would take on a life of their own. Not that that's always possible. BUT I think the best thing would be for you would be to find people to encourage you about your situation, which is realistically very hopeful! There is so much is happening with IF and there are doctors who specialize in all this - at Cornell and many other places.
Also do you have emotional support right now, sleep, food, exercise, and all of those things?
Please don't give up hope. I also suffered recurrent miscarriages as well before having my son at age 32. He happened on a rest cycle after several IUS's with injections (all failed). We have now been trying for # 2 and have since had one miscarriage already but I still keep hoping because I know miracles happen. By the way my fsh was over 18 when I was diagnosed. I was told they would only do donor egg and IVF but I chose IUI since int was less expensive and used my own egg. Good luck to you will keep praying theat you get your miracle too.
I have experienced both sides of the coin unfortunately
October 7 2007, 8:41 AM
I also had 4 m/c in 2 years before finally having my 10 month DD last November. I know the heartache and pain and inadequacy I felt. It was so hard to go on some days. You have to speak to someone and get help, if not for yourself but for your loved ones.
Unfortunately when I was 4 mths pregnant my MIL commited suicide in my house. I found her and am still very traumatized by this. My DH spiraled into depression at such a rapid speed, I know in my heart if it were not for my DD he would not be here. I have lived the last year seeing the utter devastation it leaves behind to those who love you. My DH and I live everyday with the guilt of not seeing something or getting her help. We have changed as people and have had an innocence taken from us. We love her and miss her everyday. To think she could finally be holding her grandchildren today breaks my heart. I know she must have been in such pain but like they say....It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem......We are all in therapy to try and deal with this. My DH goes back and forth between guilt, anger, sadness.....but each day he is fighting to not do to his family what was done to him. It may sound selfish because you are in such pain why should you think of everyone else, but please allow someone to help you. My DH thanks me everyday for not giving up on him in his darkest hour. He has been there and is now coming back and shudders at what he almost did. Please get help, you will see things will get better and there is hope. I was 43 years old with a FSH of 26. I naturally got pregnant and she is a miracle. Please let us know you are okay.
Thanks so much for all of your posts. I just had to get the words out of my head that day. I too have had these thoughts before @ a much younger age. My childhood was not the best & have always struggled to move past it. I have always been able to pull myself out of depression & I am starting to believe that I can pull myself out of this as well. I know that what I am going through pales in comparison to what other people have suffered in life. I'm really trying to find some hope for still having our child, but I'm having a difficult time with that. I seems I've always been on the outside looking in. I try to think that since it happened to others it could happen to me, but my life doesn't seem to work like that. I can't express how much all of your posts meant to me & I'm really sorry if I scared anyone. I don't think I could ever actually do it, but the consistant thoughts were really bothering me. I am working really really hard to not have those thoughts & am trying to focus on my wonderful DH & how we can try to move forward & have our own wonderful future. I can't tell you how much I love you all like sisters & wish I could meet each & every one of you to give you a hug. Thank you for being there for me in my darkest of days.
I have been checking this board several times a day and really hoping that you are okay. I am so sorry that all of us have gone through or are going through if. Good luck and I will pray your miracle happens soon.
You really had me worried and I wasn't sure what to do to make sure you were ok. And you know your post make me cry. I have spent so many days feeling the same way. I wonder why one person needs to suffer so much, when the next just breezes through life. It just doesn't seem fair. But you know what I finally decided, that some people are not built strong enough to handle what we have gone through and they would have ended it long ago.
And like you I was always on the outside looking in. I survived all the beatings from my stepdad, verbal abuse from my mom, sexual abuse from a family member, rape by the same family memeber, never really developing as a teenager so constanty made fun of because of being so flat (still do get made fun of), moving every year as a child and teenager and then losing my father to cancer.. I am sure that there is more, but you get the jist. Then I think you need all of those things made me the women that I am today. The beatings and abuse just showed me the person I don't want to be, but also strong enough to never let it happen to me again.
I searched long and hard to find the positives in life and you know what I found my dh and this board!! Sounds sad, but really that is all I need to push me back up and try again. I look at my life now and realize what I would be missing if I wasn't here and I am so proud of myself for surviving.
You have pulled yourself out of it before and I have faith that you can do it again. But you really need to have that faith yourself. Have you talked to dh about it? Or anyone else that is close to you?
If you ever need someone to talk to, we are all here for you. But please feel free to email me and I will help guide you. my email is tschmidt14@new.rr.com
I want you to know that i've been there. I've felt hopeless, depressed, didn't know which direction to turn, felt like my husband was going to leave me, felt worthless, felt like ending it all when i got my diagnosis. I was on the chinese herb version of antidepressants b/c i was literally having panic attacks, just breaking down crying. It was an awful, awful time in my life. I had a natural m/c a few years before starting ttc, got my high fsh diagnosis, had my 1st IVF cancelled due to cysts (i have stage iv, inoperable endometriosis), next IVF got pg but m/c at 9w due to Down's. That confirmed every RE's diagnosis of me that i would NEVER have my own child b/c my eggs were bad, my fsh was high & i was a poor responder.
I don't know what it was in me that just 'clicked' one morning. I was starting to get angry b/c i kept going to doctor after doctor & the ones that would take me on would use the same protocol as the one that was used when i m/c (only got 2 eggs & 1 was left to transfer but obviously that one was bad, too). Some doctors even laughed in my face (not kidding), asking me what i expected them to do for me since my case was so far gone. I found a doctor that would help me & who instilled some sort of hope back in me. By the time my cycle was over & I was waiting for my beta, I had a renewed sense of hope. I thought for sure i wasn't pg but i was already signing up for his next cycle b/c that's how much i believed in him for believing in me. Thankfully, i was pg that cycle & i have a 1yo dd now. But i just cycled in his office this past summer (not with him though, my mistake) & it was a BFN. I'm cycling again right now trying desperately for #2. There's no guarantees with any of this but you must have faith in yourself & faith that it will work itself out.
I'd love to chat one on one with you if you need it. I have so much to say that i could literally write a novel. I had noone to talk to about this (i had my good friends, of course, but they all got pg their 1st time trying so although they tried to lend support, they couldn't ever REALLY understand what i was going through). If you'd like to talk, here's my email & we can take it from there...kmenn1025@optonline.net.
Please be strong. I know it's hard but please believe everything will work itself out.
boy could i tell you stories about my awful childhood & how that affected me now, too. But i can help you through this b/c i've helped myself overcome it.
I'd love to talk. It will really help you if you're interested....
to rule out possible auto-immune causes for recurrent m/c? Sometimes it helps just to be doing something, and at least then there will be one issue that you can either put to rest or deal with constructively.
I have high titre anticardiolipen antibodies, and have recently started taking baby asprin daily to try to prevent m/c (have had 2 after natural conception, TTC for 2 years). It is a controversial test, but there is quite a bit of info on the web about it.
First of all, I think that the physical and hormonal response to miscarriage add a lot to the emotional response. Depression is pretty normal. I can certainly relate to getting so wrapped up in the infertility and loss that it was hard to see the light, or even to go through life normally.
I was diagnosed with high fsh (17.5) two years ago. I had two miscarriages within a year, both at 9.5 weeks, the first one after seeing the heartbeat. My 40th birthday had come and gone, and I thought that was it for me. We kept trying the natural way, but I was nudging my partner in the direction of adoption, since I had given up hope. I was wrong. I conceived again 8 months after the miscarriage, and was terrified all the way through the first trimester. It was only after 12 weeks that I started to believe I might actually have a baby. This week was my big ultrasound, 21 weeks, and everything looks perfect.
High FSH does mean that many of the eggs that are left are not great quality, but there ARE good ones in there. Try to reclaim the good in your life that is separate from TTC, but don't give up on your hope for a baby. You could very well conceive this cycle.
I have been there. I so sympathize with your pain. You will pull thru. Give yourself time and the support you need. Allow yourself to grieve. It is right and natural for you to do so. Surround yourself with people who care. Get a therapist if you don't already have one. Join a support group. Go on antidepressants if you can stomach them and it will help. Do whatever you have to to get through. I speak from experience.
I have had 3 m/cs myself (all natural conceptions and for two of the pgs we got to see the hb twice. Talk about getting your hopes up, talk about feeling like the universe is slamming you in the face. I was suicidal.) The last two after surgery to remove endo and 4 years of failed IUS and IVFs (all that money, all those meds all those raised and dashed hopes), 1 full year of acupuncture and herbs ($8,000) and I couldn't even get pregnant!) Only to have it happen naturally when we weren't trying and then to have it all snatched away. I didn't think things could ever get as bad as they did for me those times. And when in the depths I didn't see how I was going to survive. I thought about ending it all. Not because I wanted to die, but because I didn't want to suffer like that anymore. But with the support of people on bboards like this, and of course DH, and a good therapist, I pulled out of it. I started to feel less horrible (it took weeks) and finally to remember what I love about life (the people I love who love me back, the beautiful sky, ocean, horses and horsebackriding, boogie boarding, food, art, my cat! It sounds silly, but in time you will be able to focus on the things in life that bring you joy.) That doesn't mean of course that the sadness will completely fade, just that it won't be so raw, and you will be able to get on and to enjoy life again.
Right now DH and I are exploring Donor Egg. However, I did insist my RE test me for immunological issues, something I would strongly urge you to do when you have a chance. Though immunological issues are a gray area, there is some evidence/thought that they can cause m/c. After my third most recent m/c I asked my RE to do a panel of tests and I did come up positive for two: an elevated NK count and a positive APA. Both are treatable and could still be an issue when and if we move on to donor egg. The tests are something I would urge you to do (if you haven't already had them done) when you are ready.
I continue to be amazed by everyone's thoughfulness in my darkest of days. Anon, I'm so sorry that you are going through another m/c. It's been almost 4 months since my 2nd m/c & I am feeling better. I still have my days, but who the he** going through IF doesn't?? I'm still TTC naturally & deciding wether to even attempt IVF again or go straight to adoption. I'm not so sure I can go through anymore m/c, even considering how desperately I want my own child. I want to wish that I'll get another BFP & that it'll actually be a golden egg. I wish that for all of us!
I have been on/off these boards for 3 years now and I know lots and lots and lots of women who have had high FSH and 2+ m/c and gone on to sucessful pregnancies. There are 3 that I am thinking about right now off the top of my head and those have had over 3 m/c, not to mention all the brave women I know personally who have had 2,3,4... m/c and now have wonderful children. Please hang in there dear poster! I have felt similar thoughts before and honestly if I hadn't hung on I wouldn't have gone on to have my dear child now. I ended up doing antidepressants and they really helped. Please consider getting reaching out to the medical community (your GP can help steer you in the right direction). You have so much to continue on for!
I just want to let you know that, even if you feel like you will never have a sticky pregnancy, it can still happen.
I was diagnosed with high fsh (17.5) in Spring 2005, just before my partner's scheduled vasectomy reversal. We almost didn't go through the reversal, because the doctor was pretty negative about my chances. We're sure glad we did. I was pregnant twice in 2006, and miscarried both times at about 9 weeks. At 40 years old at the time of the second miscarriage, I was ready to give up and had certainly stopped believing I could have a baby of my own. Fortunately, my DH kept the faith and insisted that we keep trying. As of now, I'm 41 years old and almost 31 weeks pregnant, and all is well with the baby.
Please hang in there and find someone to talk to. You touched me as I too was feeling this way earlier this week, but all the wonderful voices on these posts got me through the day and week. it is tough but we are all here for you and although none of us know each other, it is as though we are close friends. No one can ever imagine how you feel unless you are someone else going through it. Remember that the rest of your family needs you and we all want to hear you on the "successful" posts...hugs hugs hugs....xoxox
Today is a bad day for me. I am reading your message and sobbing. just finished 4th IVF (positve, then m/c - again) and am just so tired of feeling lousy. Doctors can't find anything wrong, except for age and bad luck. I am having a hard time getting through the day - it seems like every one has kids or whatever they want. Why can't I function like a normal woman? I just want to crawl into bed - I can't deal with anything, and have chosen to not talk to friends about this - just DH. I am so angry and I fear I am becoming bitter. It's not fair and I can't do anything about it. Excuse the rant - I need to vent. Why are we being punished? What did we ever do to deserve this bad luck? I'd love to hear some positive stories, because I can use them. I need to believe that good karma will come our way.