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Wednesday at Stately Byrne Manor
TOM BOSLEY (V.O.): Uatu and Me was filmed before a live audience.
Black with White lines shooting out from the middle – PULL BACK to reveal:
JOHN BYRNE, clad in a silver space suit, riding a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Holding tightly to his back is his passenger, BYRNETTE, a young woman with a mane of red hair.
CUT TO: TAXMAN, a super-villain dressed in a green suit with a “$” logo on the chest. Taxman is shaking down an honest citizen, taking his money.
CUT TO: Close up on JB’s eyes staring out of his helmet; the eyes turn steely.
JB drives his motorcycle head-on into Taxman, knocking him down. JB pulls the cycle over and leaps off, grabbing the Taxman and shaking him.
JB: How DARE you take money that you did not earn?! That man earned his money fair and square, and you come along and help yourself to it so that you can redistribute it to drug addicts and thieves! I’ve got a special level of hell for a monster like you!
JB lets the Taxman stand on his own, and JB raises his fists, like he’s going to hit him. Taxman raises his fists to block the forthcoming mighty blow, but then JB gives him the “Sneaky Pete” and kicks him in the jewels, knocking him to the ground.
JB: An honest citizen’s work is never done… Feh…
Byrnette runs over and hugs JB, and plants kisses all over his visage.
BYRNETTE: Oh, Jocular Johnny Byrne! You’re the best! You make my heart pound like a thousand Ringo Starr’s trapped in a tin box!
JB: Why, thank you, Byrnette. You bring out a certain delight in me, as well. You remind me why I prefer my Byrnettes to be red-heads!
JB looks at camera and winks.
JB: But I’m afraid I must take leave now – I must attend to my daily duties as Editor-In-Chief of Marvel Comics.
BYRNETTE: Oh, John, don’t go, you have lackeys to do your biddings for you!
JB: But, Byrnette, I am personally responsible for producing new issues of X-Men Hidden Years, Fantastic Four: the Way it SHOULD BE, Invaders and Doctor Strange as well as overseeing the new lettering and coloring of the Trade version of Alpha Flight! I have no time to waste!
BYRNETTE: Oh, there will be no time wasted, John Byrne…
Byrnette moves in for a kiss.
JB: Eh! They don’t call me the fastest man in comics for nothing! OK, Byrnette, you talked me into it! Give me some sugar baby!
JB: Oh… I get it… feh, indeed. Wonder if I’ll remember this one?
CUT TO:
INT.MORNING - JB’s Bedroom
JB lay in bed, trying to wake up. Next to his bed is a THING alarm clock, that is repeating IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!, over and over.
JB finally reaches over and shuts it off.
JB: Ugh… what… what did I just dream about? Feh! Erm… where’s my glasses? (feels around, to no avail) Rochester! ROCHESTER!!! (pause) Oh, yeah, I don’t have a man-servant… herm…(Finally finds glasses, puts them on) OK – now, let’s greet the morning!
CUT TO: JB’s POV – as his eyes come into focus, he finds UATU, the WATCHER, standing next to his bed, watching him.
JB: EYAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
UATU: Oh, dear.
CUT TO:
INT.DAY – JOHN BYRNE’S LIVING ROOM
JB is drinking a dr.pepper while Uatu is looking out the window, spying on the neighbors.
JB: Uatu, Damnit! Not only is it illegal for you to play peepin’ Tommy like that, I’ll have you know that my neighbor’s kid is only 17. That’s wrong in like, 36 states! I have a reputation to uphold!
There is a knock at the door.
JB: Oh, crap, it’s probably those fools from Wizard again – now that I’m hot again, they won’t leave me alone.
UATU: The ol’ “hates his fans”?
JB: Yeah, that’s always good for a laugh – and look, you have to find a new thing to watch… but we’ll talk about that later…
JB opens the door, to find Shareb Gaymuch, reporter for Wizard.
JB: No thanks, I don’t need any girl scout cookies…
JB tries to shut the door, but Shareb sticks his foot in the door.
SHAREB: Oh, John Byrne, you scamp! No, I’m with Wizard, we’re here to write you up as the hottest new artist in comics!
JB: “New”? I’ve been doing comics since before you were a zygot, you little punk! What do you mean “new”?
SHAREB :Well, you and I know that, but the fans won’t buy it – it has to be “new” to be kewl, so…
JB: OK, OK, come on in, I have a few moments to spare…
JB leads Shareb into the living room.
JB: Hang on a moment, I have a quick phone call to make.
JB picks up the phone, pretends to dial, and starts talking.
JB: OK, here’s what I need for this issue…
JB notices that Shareb is not paying attention – Shareb is distracted by a shinny object on JB’s coffee table. JB clears his throat to get Shareb’s attention.
JB: Ok, here’s what I need for this issue: uh, have the Doom Patrol fight “God”. Faster, with emotion. (Pause) Yeah, whatever. And get it done quick – I don’t care if it looks rushed, I need more money!
JB hangs up the phone, and smiles at Shareb.
JB: So, where were we?
SHAREB: Uh… uh… you were… phoning it in…?
JB: That’s what they say. If you’ll pardon me a moment…
JB walks out of the room. Uatu ambles over.
UATU: You know, I don’t know why he uses the phone…. Rog is just in the other room.
UATU leads Shareb to the art room, where ROG2000 sits chained to the desk. ROG hears them enter and creakily turns his head towards them.
ROG2000: (weakly) …oil ….can….
UATU: It’s a shame, really – if John would just oil the poor son of a bitch, the art wouldn’t look so scratchy and rushed… well, at least Ordway can save it with the inks, but still…
Shareb does a triple take and runs out of the house. JB comes out of the bathroom, laughing. ROG and Uatu join in.
UATU: You know he’s going to print this… and this is the slippery slope that was the beginning of the end of Michael Jackson…
JB: The big difference there is that I still have my nose and I don’t like kids!
ROG: Well, maybe you’re cooking them wrong?
JB: Gah! You monster! Who created you??
Uatu stares at JB, with a funny look on his face.
JB: Shut up, you, it was a rhetorical question! Feh….
FADE TO:
JB sitting at his drawing board. He’s staring at a page, nudging it to and fro, and finally lays one final line of ink on it, and drops his pen in a cup, satisfied. He gets up from the table
JB: Fellows – I’m done, it’s time for my lunch break. One hour – Time me!
Uatu rolls his eyes.
UATU: Oh, please. Why bother? I watch for a living – I’ve witnessed grass growing, paint drying, and your lack of tardiness bores even me!
JB: Ok – look I have to go – it’s new comic book day – do you want anything from the store?
ROG: Oil?
JB: You wisenheimer… ok, stay out of trouble, and you, Uatu, stop watching the neighbor’s kid, or I’ll go into the closet and dig out the ultimate nullifier!
UATU: Damn!
FADE TO:
JB’s PT CRUISER rolling up at the comic book store.
FADE TO:
INT.COMIC BOOK STORE – DAY
Store employees MATT HAWES and DARREN DEW are looking at the latest issue of JB’s DOOM PATROL.
MATT: Oh, man, this stuff is great. It’s far and away the best thing that John Byrne has ever done!
DARREN: No joke, pops, this stuff is tops!
Comic fan ROBIN TAYLOR runs in the store, excited.
ROBIN: Cheese it, boys, JB hisself is on his way in!!
There is great commotion and flurry as the staff as they rearrange the store, taking down a framed photo of JB shopping at the store, taking down original JB artwork, flicking a switch that makes the back-issue wall revolve, sending the JB stuff behind the wall, and highlighting Nu-Marvel stuff.
JB walks in.
MATT: Uh… so, what did we get in today?
DARREN: Well, uh, we uh, got, let’s see, oh, yeah, the best stuff – let’s see, here’s the new Spider-Man, where he rapes kids – awesome stuff, and here’s the new Hulk, where he eats his victims, and uh, the new Ultimates, where the Punisher becomes President, and Wolverine becomes VP…
ROBIN: Anything from DC?
DARREN: Oh, uh, (looks to make sure that JB is listening) just that new crap from Jive-talkin’ Johnny Byrne – it’s going straight into the quarter bin! Bah! I hates me some John Byrne!
A young customer goes up to the counter with the new DOOM PATROL in his hand, looking confused and nervous. JB ambles over and stands next to the kid.
JB: And what would you say to “Jive-Talkin’ Johnny Byrne” if you got the opportunity?
MATT: That he’s a has-been, a wash-up, his old stuff is better, he’s phoning it it…
Matt looks at the kid, and smiles.
MATT: And that he’s the finest person working in comics! Glad to see you again, Byrne!
The kid looks really confused. JB takes his comic from him and autographs it.
JB: Here you go – who should I make this out to?
KID: Uh… Matt Reed, please!
JB: Ok, there you go! Thanks for reading, young man!
KID: Sure, but… why? Why do you let them call you those names?
JB: Oh, it’s all a game – they just try to keep me on my toes, you know.
The kid shrugs his shoulders and walks out. JB walks around the store, admiring the merchandise, and bumps into a new employee, who has an arm-load of comics.
JB: Oh, pardon me – HEY!
JB recognizes the employee as ROGER STERN.
ROGER STERN: Er, uh, hi, JB.
JB: Stern-o! What are you doing working here?
ROGER STERN: Eh, it’s a long story – but it comes down to this – I turned in this pitch to M***** - hey! What was that? Wait… M*****. Huh?? How come I can’t say “M*****”?
JB: Oh, this show runs on the JBF – it’s considered a dirty word there.
ROGER STERN: The… “JBF”? Is that like the UPN?
JB: Yeah, but less urban.
ROGER STERN: Wow! Well, anyway, I turned in this pitch, and the editors there found it too respectful to the characters, so they blacklisted me – this is the only job I can get in comics now!
JB: Holy Cow! That’s awful! Forget that, I’ve got some work for you – forget this – come with me!
JB leads Stern out of the store.
CUT TO:
INT. JB’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
JB walks in with Stern.
STERN: So, you’re infested with Watchers? That’s nutty!
JB: Well, it’s not plural – just one – Uatu, over there. Hey! Uatu! Get off the couch and come talk to Roger Stern.
Uatu looks up from the television; he’s watching Soap Operas.
UATU: Uh-UH! I ain’t moving till I’m done watching my stories. Forget you! And let me tell you – this beats watching the Fantastic Four any day of the week! How many times does Reed Richards come back from the dead to marry his ex?
JB: Oh, I don’t know, I didn’t read the DeFalco issues, you tell me.
There is a cursing heard from another room – Stern looks concerned.
STERN: What the hell was that?
JB: HM? Oh, I’m having my taxes done right now – he gets a little angry when he does them, but it’s great – he knows all the legal loopholes – I never pay a cent.
STERN: That’s fantastic! Who’s doing them for you?
JB leads Stern to a door and opens it – inside the room sits STEVE DITKO, with his sleeves rolled up, and visor on, working a calculator.
STERN: Homina homina homina! It’s Sturdy Steve Ditko!
DITKO: Yeah, that’s right. Almost done here, Mr Byrne. Once again, truth, justice and liberty will prevail, and the pencil pushers in Washington will NOT be stealing that for which you worked so hard! For, you see, in a perfect world, a man works for a set wage. He does the work, he makes the wage. It’s a FAIR TRADE. He takes that wage, and trades it for goods and services. It’s a FAIR TRADE! Then, however, reality rears it’s ugly head, and the god-damn-ed socialists step in and take your FAIRLY EARNED money to support dope addicts, and -
JB shuts the door.
JB: I agree with every word he says, but there’s only so many times you can hear that speech!
STERN: That’s fantastic! So, anyway – what job do you have for me?
JB: Well, look, I just have to make a phone call to Mike Carlin – we’ll get you back in comics, but I’m hoping that you can find something for Uatu to watch, other than me! It’s really creeping me out!
Stern rubs his chin and looks sternly at Uatu.
STERN: I think I have an idea.
CUT TO:
SAME – LATER
JB: You took him to a strip club?!?
STERN: Well, he needed something to watch! C’mon, it seemed natural!
JB: Bah! Do you know how much bail the judge wanted?? I would have had to auction off the east wing of stately Byrne manor to get his creepy ass out of the pokey… if I hadn’t convinced the judge that he was “special”. Jiminey… who knew Watchers were easy drunks…
STERN: More importantly, who knew I’d be playing George to Uatu’s Lenny in my lifetime. I’ll never get that girl’s screams out of my ears… but wait – why did you take him back? You could have just left him to rot in that jail cell?
JB: Eh. I thought about it and figured that I could keep him around and have him watch my favorite TV shows for me, and then just recreate them for me – it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than Tivo. Plus, I’ve found a few odd jobs around the house for him to do – check it out – ROCHESTER! Ohhh, ROOOOCHESTER!! Fetch me a drink, ROCHESTER!
CUT TO:
Uatu, in a maid’s outfit, with an ice-bag on his head, and bags under his eyes, dusting the tops of JB’s shelves, looking over at JB, annoyed.
Frankly, I think we all know that Uatu's older stuff was better -- this newer stuff just can't compare with classics like "Leave it to Uatu," and don't even get me started on how little credit is given to the influence that "I Love Uatu" had on the modern sit-com. Admittedly, there were a few clunkers in there (don't we all wish we could forget "My Mother The Watcher"!), but by and large, Uatu's early work was undoubtedly the most influential.
-- JCB
[Typo.]
This message has been edited by jcbodin on Mar 15, 2004 12:55 AM
Oh, I don't know. I think "Everybody Loves Uatu" stands up just as well as "Welcome Back Uatu" or "Uatu's Company", from back in the 70's. Classics like "Uatu Knows Best" and are great nostalgia pieces, but they don't hold a candle to the newer stuff, like "Watcher, Texas Ranger" and "Baywatcher".
Yeah, I liked the short-lived "My Mother the Sore" - once people got the joke (helped by having his mother in a wheelchair, and many close-ups on Uatu's massive head) the show was quickly yanked off the air.
Great to see you've been at it again
"TOM BOSLEY (V.O.): Uatu and Me was filmed before a live audience. " ... A good belly laugh before the story even started!
