Dearest Ladies,
I was on these boards about two years ago, for a short while. Prior to that I was devoted to these boards when ttc#1, and the support and information was invaluable. I hope that no one here remembers me because that means all the ladies who were here two years ago have since becoming successful. Anyway, I’ve needed support on this ttc#2 journey very badly but due to time and demands on my life, I simply haven’t done it. But it’s getting to the point now where you ladies would be the only ones who would ‘get it.’ Although the story is long, I’ll try to make it brief.
First, I’m a ‘single parent by choice’, got pg w/ADI since timing was running out and no ‘prince’ in sight. Initial work-up showed low antral follicle count, FSH 45, was given the DE speech before I’d even tried. Left that clinic, found another RE who supported my efforts even though he wasn’t optimistic. I did the gamut – TCM, high dose Vit E, yoga, baby alter/visualization, wheat grass, you name it. And lived on these boards! Conceived Nathan at age 40½ on the 8th IUI (natural cycle, though I had done some stim cycles w/no response). He’ll be three in November. Pure joy!
Two years ago I tried 2x w/the same donor sample. Fert signs came back while breastfeeding. Both BFN’s, so weaned him at 15 months. a/f stopped, for 6 months. RE had me take bcp which worked for 2-3 months, then a/f stopped again for 5 months. One very weak spotting cycle in March, then that’s it. Tested my FSH 2x during the amenorrhea, 85 then 107. Last time I tested it was 65. I’ve been doing TCM, mayan massage, reflexology, fertility psychotherapy, had ‘energy workers’ do treatments on me. I just turned 44, and so the new RE (mine retired, sadly) looks at me as a woman in full-blown menopause, although I never had any symptoms except my a/f stopped. A much smaller group of people know that I’m ttc#2, fearing criticism since it’s challenging raising one on my own, $ especially. My sister, 42, is ttc#1 and will probably do stim/iui or IVF. She’s have 2 m/c but her FSH is 3, she has every fertility symptom known to women (EWCM, temp, middleschmertz) so she’ll be fine, I have no doubt. But I can’t talk to her about my fears of not ttc#2 when she’s ttc#1. I fear everyone else I talk to about it, knowing my symptoms, either support me out of pity, think I’m crazy and in denial of being completely shut down at 44, even the acupuncturist who supported me the first time has a discouraged attitude while treating me. I got an u/s this week just to see if anything was going on, thin lining, antral follice count of 2, the RE’s nurse says that the RE wants to talk to me about ‘other options’. I know that means the DE discussion. Heck I’m already using donor sperm! Here’s the twist. I went to see a clairvoyant (psychic) in May, and without saying anything to him as to why I was there, he told me I’d be pg in summer/fall, the name of the guy I was to meet, he knew I lived ‘where it rained’ (Seattle), that I was going into the mental health field (sound therapy), that I had had an operation (melanoma) but not to worry about it anymore, my son’s name, and ‘Oh you haven’t met the father yet’. So what do I do with all this? Two other ‘energy’ workers or light workers have said similar things, they see her, that it’s a matter of timing not biology. You’d think this would thrill me but it only creates more anxiety and depression because if ‘it’s in the cards’ but it doesn’t happen, then I screwed up somehow. It’s testing me to believe in the unseen vs the seen. I know that Nathan was conceived in ‘Divine Order’ because I had the melanoma when I was ttc#1 and was told to stop once it was discovered since pg hormones would have cause the tumor to spread and probably kill me. The month after the tumor was removed, Nathan was conceived. It was as if he was waiting for the cancer to be removed. It’s easy to apply this sense of ‘Divine Order’ in hindsight, but going forward, and with no a/f for basically 9 months, it’s very depression. And I have no husband to share this journey with, even though I realize DH’s can be a challenge in their own right, but I’m raising my son alone, ttc#2 alone, and with little support from those around me (just pity support, I fear). So I’m back and I will make time to be here and share my insights and gain strength from yours. Thank you in advance…
Jazzedlady
44
FSH 107 (highest)
DS Nathaniel 2 1/2, conceived w/ADI and FSH of 45