Adding a human touch
Orthodox service does matchmaking the old-fashioned way
By Rachel L. Axelbank
In an era of impersonal e-dating, the women of the Shidduch Connection are working to bring traditional Orthodox matchmaking into the 21st century.
Mindy Gewirtz founded the group six years ago in response to what she calls a “shidduch emergency.”
“The single population was exploding,” said Gewirtz, the Rebbetzin to Young Israel of Brookline. “People were able to meet and hang out but were having trouble finding potential spouses.” Thus the group was created as a subset of the YIB Chevrat Chesed (caring community), filling a void within the local Jewish community.
The appearance of such online dating services as TotallyJewishDating.com, JDate.com and Frumster.com has in many ways made mate-seeking immensely easier for Jews. However, what these sites offer in convenience, they lack in credibility.
“Because people make their own profiles, they can write whatever they want,” said one member of the committee. “You really have no idea what you’re getting. With a shadchan [matchmaker], there’s more accountability.”
At present, the Shidduch Connection is a strictly volunteer organization built with the primary objective of making shidduchim – matches – between unmarried Orthodox men and women. Those seeking assistance complete a questionnaire on themselves and their criteria for a mate, then undergo a personal interview that enables a committee member to better address the individual’s character and needs. The enriched profiles in hand, he women of the Shidduch Connection then put their heads together.
The beginning of the year’s first meeting – held last month in the Gewirtz’s home – was consumed by general maintenance.
“We need a new name,” one member said, reminding the others of their concern that “shidduch” may be too suggestive of the Old Country and, therefore, off-putting to some.
Next on the agenda was planning future events and meetings.
“Part of the idea behind the Shidduch Connection is to bring in people from other congregations in other communities,” Gewirtz said in a later interview.
The group reflects this and is composed of women from many congregations, who collectively represent more than 450 singles in Boston, New York, Israel and beyond.
The housekeeping out of the way, they got down to the business that had brought them together.
Their skill and investment were immediately apparent. They worked efficiently, taking turns laying out basic information and then, if a match seemed possible, delving more deeply into the nitty-gritty. It was at this point that their advantage over the online databases became clear: While a computer can easily generate matches from such concrete qualities as age, location and hobbies, it can come nowhere near to touching on the indefinable characteristics that make each person unique. But the committee members can, and they did.
There was first the question of religious observance, a great deal more complex than it might initially seem. The term “Orthodox” – “Whatever that means,” joked one woman – is itself parsed into several sub-categories. And although a computer could in theory handle these as well, each is in reality highly subject to interpretation. The committee managed this by employing a lexicon of English, Hebrew and Yiddish terms to convey what they understand about the people they had interviewed.
Other factors received the same consideration.
“I just don’t think he’s smart enough for her,” said one woman.
“Their families won’t mesh,” offered another.
On they went, debating everything from physical appearance to general disposition. And when a pairing of names survived the candid evaluation and suddenly became a potential shidduch, the shared smiles were accompanied by a mild pounding on the table and celebratory whooping.
Continued expansion will threaten all this. Still, it may be necessary.
“Our current ‘database’ is a lot of work to create and very quickly outdated,” Gewirtz said, gesturing to a fat little spiral-bound volume with the word CONFIDENTIAL stamped across its front in red.
As if to illustrate her point, two committee members later debated whether one of their clients was available to be matched. “Have you talked to him in the last three days?” asked one, putting an end to the discussion.
There are in fact lesser-known Jewish online dating services within which real shadchanim do the “marriage advocacy” on behalf of the singles, and there has been talk of “renting” technology from one such service but keeping the Shidduch Connection a distinct entity and its files private.
“Technology is not the solution,” said Gewirtz, “but it can enable.”
Nevertheless, one hopes that the choices made will not compromise the Shidduch Connection’s truly human quality, the love that visibly crosses the women’s faces as they discuss their clients. Not every one of the singles is a close personal friend, but they might as well be, and you don’t get that from a computer.
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