Here I am again
The same rustic swinging chair,
The same bitter, acid tongue,
Fighting through pursed lips.
A year older but none the wiser I see.
But something’s so very unfamiliar through it all
I feel it, in fact I see it
I see it in the peculiar firefly, that,
For the duration of my stay,
Has persisted with me, studied me,
Have I perhaps intrigued this glimmer of hope?
I study him closely and see it leaves a message;
The aftermath of his sparkle tells me:
It’s over now.
This very spot always;
The conclusion of a year,
The commencing of another.
Yet this year, as I am seated, I see the most beautiful sight;
Art that lights up the sky.
The disturbance stings in my ears;
A song of celebration!
Why am I not celebrating?
The twinkling explosions of colour;
A visualization of distance and loneliness.
But he tells me I’m wrong,
Apparently they’re celebrating new life
“Doors are opening, life is moving”
My life was grabbed from my hands while my head was turned,
And thrown criminally to the ground.
Each and every shimmer of glass flew to faraway places
Pieces that will never find one another again.
Though I cannot say I never saw any cracks before…
Maybe it would have smashed anyway.
I see these pieces of life tonight for the first time;
The fist of power thrust them into the sky,
Confetti to a bride,
And now bursts of jewel colours surround them.
It is over now.
I’d like to talk about that.
Talk over...
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I've never been accustomed to reality,
Maybe that's my problem.
While reality isn't as attractive as fantasy,
It has to be realised.
...
..
But to keep my fingers crossed
That reality will find my fantasy.
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A recipe for danger?
Or a contempary love potion?
I guess only time will tell...
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Should I put the energy into feeding the hungry after all?
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“Does it not give you a bit of satisfaction, a kind of reassurance that everything’s going to be okay?”
“Oh precious, do you really feel that uncertain? You’re destined for magical things!”
Don’t get me wrong,
I never doubt....
To be too idealistic (well u can be.)
With so much faith in life,
With the belief that life can be beautiful.
(Art)
That it be the curse of me everyday
But in a world of fantastical dreams,
It can be got (?).
And so now I feel I’m a liar,
Years of the most extreme of double lives.
I have a life, where everything’s so real.
Where everything’s too real.
And in my other life (My better life?),
Nothing hurts.
In the past, I saw my future,
But I lied.
I didn’t see tomorrow,
Or next week;
I saw only my world where nothing hurts.
And so now, it’s impossible to separate these two worlds.
I don’t know if I see good fortune
Or if I merely dreamed of good fortune.
I simply cannot see past the tip of my nose;
My materialistic plans for the coming month,
Maybe two.
That’s all I see.
Now all I can say, with no lies,
Is what I want or need.
Or need or want, maybe.
I need him.
But that’s a lie.
You just have to work hard and play the waiting game..”
I hate that game.
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There are very few people I write about;
(“There are 5 people I take my headphones out for.”)
I’m in a dream world with him just now.
Though my head is spinning,
And my hands are tied;
My heart beats faster,
With his presence missed.
Oh my head is spinning,
And my hands are tied.
4 days, 3 nights;
I have not been sober since you’ve gone, my Angels.
I’m scared of tomorrow.
I’m scared of sobriety.
I’m scared for waking up without you in my world.
But mostly, I’m scared for tomorrow,
When my conscious will run.
And I’m incomplete.
But He helps me,
He has helped me, since you’ve been gone.
When I feel empty, he’s filled me up,
Quicker and fuller than ever before,
Quicker and fuller each time he does.
His words pour through my mouth, into my soul and they lie there
For days upon days.
When I feel lost, All I need to do, is turn around.
Last night I turned around, and he was there, beside me,
He wrapped his arms around my soul and kissed my heart.
He filled me up.
He’s most certainly the only thing to save me.
Save me from the loneliness that will haunt me through everyday;
Every minute;
And perhaps even second?
It haunts me still.
My heart cries out for you,
And you’re not beside me.
I struggle to understand why you’re no longer beside me.
Not only that,
But I struggle to keep my tears at rest,
Because they flow still.
They flow now.
I’m lost without you
And I feel selfish.
I’m struggling.
I’m really, really struggling.
I hear you ring but I can’t answer;
I am finally in bed
(Pen in hand,
Pad in lap.)
But it’s to quiet.
Perhaps my tears are already too loud.
What if he doesn’t care?
He does seem extremely unobservant.
He might not know.
(Not know what?
That I need him more than anything in the world just now?)
You know, his face shines,
And his soul is medication;
To mute my lamentation.
It composes my heart of all that aches,
And my God, it does ache!
Maybe it’s love!
(A priceless phase,
Even more, a priceless feeling as it passes through you’re mind for that first time.)
Or maybe I just require his sparkle.
That fly flew away.
(Firefly, don’t you know?
It left a message in its sparkle!)
I need her out of his arms,
And into mine
(Or do I? That’s not my character, that’s not me!).
My arms are empty still.
What do I do now,
That’s what I need to know.
What do I do now?
Without her, and her, and him too.
Wish me luck;
Life begins today…
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Exaggerated Heart
He flew away as swiftly and beautifully as he landed.
His back turned,
His heart closed-
Well, closed to me at least.
That’s all that I saw!
I wanted to look into those eyes,
That for 7 days,
Have hypnotised my heart into a dream-world, far from here;
“Arcadia” maybe?
Did I have the pleasure? maybe not.
Did I have anything?
I thought t’was an open ticket as well,
(Small print).
My dilemma in life has always been delusion,
Apparently.
I can trick my mind into almost anything
And I’ve done it again.
The problem with delusion
Is that at some point,
You have to realise.
I was carried away;
Caught in a flight of wind,
It caught me off guard and stole my heart.
Wind.
My heart is anything but consistent,
May it be because it lies open?
It lays unprotected,
While people walk through,
Their footprints in snow.
But before now,
For those long 7 days,
He wrapped his arms tightly, gently, around my heart;
It was consistent.
Tonight I watched them disperse themselves slowly,
And not so firmly (though just as gently),
Away from my heart
And back into his pockets,
Where they still lie now.
My heart is laid bare once again.
And people seem to run faster than before!
Imprints deeper, so deep it bleeds,
It aches,
And he knows!
He watches as they pierced deep into my heart.
He watched the blood pour,
And yet his hands,
Though twitching,
Never left his pockets.
I said to my angel that I never expected anything of him.
I lied.
I expected the world.
But I guess he owes me nothing,
But a few cigarettes.
I have never seen a heart,
So closed from the world.
I’ve never witnessed eyes so so sad
That to look would conjure tears while your eyes remained closed.
‘It’s never the one that you love’
I guess not sweetheart,
I guess not.
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Purple Flowers
Something to think about;
Purple flowers in an upturned nose.
Yes, an upturned nose!
Never heard of such a thing,
But now it distracts my mind,
And so now, I’m thankful.
For the purple flowers are the heroes tonight.
Tonight;
This morning, 4am,
And I’ve never been so in need of such a distraction.
Oh, and the nose, while upturned,
Was still attached to his face, don’t you know.
Ha!
Nice to see you again!
(Delusion re-enters from stage left,
And quite a presence is has too!)
Stage right:
The beautiful boy that troubles and sooths my mind.
Delusion and beautiful boy,
They go together, not unlike my beautiful coat and scarf.
(“Very co-ordinated my lady, how about brown mittens too?”)
Ach, I distracted myself again!
Back to the beautiful boy.
…And he is! (Beautiful),
Though he really does not think so.
I use the word loosely.
I use it not only for the complete perfection of physicality,
But for the complete perfection (a tremendous mixture of the most perfect imperfections) in mind and soul.
And he really does not think so.
Well, I should tell him;
If he doesn’t think so,
Then why is my heart on fire?
It’s burning like the realms of hell that I could easily associate with my guilt tonight.
Oh, though that may be the chocolate bar that I sinfully demolished minutes ago!
And so,
I had (shamefully) waited months for the news that she was out of his arms.
And tonight he told me!
But he told me with the heaviest of hearts...
He does love her;
I most certainly saw it in his eyes,
(Oh, those eyes!)
Laced through his words and across his soul.
He loves her.
(Not me, as you would have caught on)
(Who are you??)
He talked of empty arms,
And as he did, I envisioned them full.
Full of I.
And almost as fast as the visualisation was drawn,
They re-united.
I watched them,
Through the corner of my cloudy left eye,
Relight the flame that does flicker,
(“I on edge of seat, anticipating the flickers end)
It’s still lit, ever so there.
Love is a beautiful thing,
I said that as I called upon the 21 year old drunkard.
(Cocaine fuelled imagination, remember?)
I probably should not have done that...
But it’s done, as they say.
(They?)
And.
So now,
I’m left; Arcadia bound (stationary),
To think of a vase,
(Upturned nose, face attached)
Full of beautiful purple flowers.
They originated from the mind of the distracter, in the USA.
I will try to think of that if I can.
If I could be allowed.
(Delusion lingers around stage right).
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What the fuck is she talking about?
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IF there's nothing else that you can do, then think about that one day. The one day that can convince you that it needs done, visualize those 5 minutes of that one day. Because it does! (and for you, not for us..)
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