Dear GHop,
I really had to chuckle, reading your lastest message. Lots of clients have this same experience, are full of self-doubts, doubts whether they are practicing correctly, or doubts about NSR itself. Yet they are practicing correctly, gaining benefits such as losing their stress, growing in their ability to give and receive love, having a broader awareness of situations (a more global picture), and so many more, with each individual having their own unique benefits as their unique pattern of stresses is dissolved. It's really fun to watch.
NSR is so effective because it brings us to a fourth state of consciousness which is just as necessary to life as sleeping at night. The fact that almost everyone lives with this required state missing from their life is the reason the world is as messed up as it is. Just imagine what would happen if everyone forgot to sleep, simply lost the habit and the knowledge that it's the right thing to do, without skipping, every day.
(Short pause while you imagine it. It's just as bad, although in a different way, as a world without regular transcending.)
Let me respond to some of your points, that are very interesting and may be of concern to others as well. (The points I am omitting here have already been adequately discussed in other postings on this forum.)
"It seems like you just know what to do and I never will."
Well, first, I have been meditating a lot longer than you have. That naturally makes some difference. But I also attended teacher training in Transcendental Meditation® for about eight months, most of which was in residence with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in Europe (a wonderful, amazing experience). Of course that gave me the knowledge to really understand what is going on. But you shouldn't feel bad in comparing us. As you saw in my last posting, I have the same sort of doubts and difficulties. It's just that I understand what's going on, so I am not overwhelmed as you are. The difference is just a surprisingly small amount of knowledge. In fact, you and all other NSR clients already have most of the knowledge you'll ever need right there in the NSR manual. You just need a little reminding and rephrasing from time to time. That is what this support forum (and personal consultations) is all about. The ultimate truth about how to achieve enlightenment is surprisingly simple. Let's examine why it seems so complicated.
"I get so caught up in whether or not I am doing it right."
And you want to know why you keep analyzing it to death, right? The answer, in one word: stress.
Doubts and apparent complications are essential characteristics of two fields of life: stress and ignorance.
Consider seeing a snake in a dark room. Fear overwhelms. Yet, a moment later, when someone turns the light on and we see that it is only a piece of rope on the floor, the fear turns out to have been needless. What caused it? Ignorance, which means either lack of knowledge or wrong knowledge.
Now consider what you know about stress (if you haven't already, read
http://www.nsrusa.org/about-stress.php). The function of stress is to prevent further overload, like a fuse in a house or car. But that means that any stress interferes with the proper functioning of our mind and body. Get enough of that, and you die from heart disease, or other stress-related disorders. Well, I'm being a bit glib and simplistic here, but you get the idea.
If your mind is not functioning well because of stress (which I've just established is true), then how well can the mind decide whether it is doing the right thing or not? The answer is: not very well. This is perhaps the primary source of criminal behavior (where the individual has no concept of what behaviors are right and what are wrong, so he or she simply does whatever they want, without regard for their effect on others, or, indeed, the future effects for themselves). Included in criminal behavior is warfare: no sane (that is, fully functioning) person starts a war. Crime and war are both directly caused by the same stress that almost everyone has as a result of not knowing about the fourth state of consciousness, Transcendental Consciousness.
This is why there are endless doubts and the tendency to over-analyze during NSR. It's simply what we do when only parts of our mind are functioning properly, due to stress. It is so good to get rid of that stress, it is so transformational, it is so blissful, that I simply don't care if it is messy.
Want to know exactly what is right and what is wrong? Think clearly. Want to know how to think clearly? Just get rid of the stress.
Just be aware that as the stress leaves, it's like dirt swept out of a house: it's hard to avoid coughing. Mixed in with the bliss of diving within is the messiness, turbulence, doubts, and all the billions of other side effects of stress. There's no avoiding it. If you want to be free from stress, functioning normally (which most might call super-normally), you have to release the stress.
The wonderful thing about stress release through transcending is that it is natural and balanced. The side effects of stress release are muted, diminished. They are much less than the overloads that caused them in the first place. The reason? NSR reduces our mental and physical level of excitement; it brings rest. In this rest, the release of stress is just a minor discomfort when otherwise it might very well be hell on earth.
Don't worry about analyzing. Don't try to stop it. You can't, anyway, since it is the natural result of eliminating stress. Just enjoy the two steps of the automatic process of transcending: the bliss of diving within, and the messiness of coming out. Both are needed, whether they happen sequentially or whether they get mixed together. It's all good!
"Today was not rewarding at all. In fact I have had a headache since my morning meditation."
Headache is never an acceptable experience. It indicates that something is very wrong and needs to be corrected. Anyone having headache during or just after meditating should seek immediate consultation with someone knowledgeable about transcending so it can be stopped right away. That also applies to any other experience that is intolerably painful.
In my experience, headache is always caused by one of three things: concentration on the syllable (or trying to keep it repeating in the mind), a too rapid pace of stress release, or a medical problem (which only a qualified doctor or specialist should diagnose and treat).
"But is it that once I start the mantra, even if I 'lose' it, it is still going on, just in a part of my mind that I can't 'hear' it?"
Yes, yes, yes! That is exactly correct. If I had a prize here, it would go to you. And the reason you can't "hear" it? That's right, stress. Very good!
"I don't know why I make something so simple such a problem."
Do you know now?
"Then I go at it with force and anxiety."
Maybe that's why you get a headache?
"I am not a good student."
Actually, you are an excellent student. You have a keen intellect, and you want to apply it to everything important in your life. It's just that you haven't quite realized that meditation is not an intellectual activity, just as tasting a strawberry is very different from describing or analyzing one. The idea is to get rid of the stresses, not to stare at them and ask questions. This is one case where critical thinking is not an asset.
You are also a good student because every time I have explained something to you in answer to a question, you have understood me. That is rare. Most folks have the weirdest misconceptions about what meditation should be, how it works, and why it is so important. They resist learning (even if they don't resist learning in areas of life that interest them). I am very proud of you and all my other NSR clients, because you are achieving something wonderful for yourself, your friends, your family, and your world.
David Spector
NSR Meditation/USA