I thought things were going pretty well, I was keeping a good attitude and trying to be positive. Then I got the dreaded phone call we all get. One of my other best friends is pregnant. She is one of my bestest friends from nursing school, and is about 3 months along. She purposely didn't tell me, and told our other friends not to say anything as well. I figured it out actually, when she asked me about my treatment and how it was going. There was something in her voice. I knew right away. I hung up, went into the bathroom and just cried and cried. I felt like all the wind had been taken out of my sails. I wasn't hurt so much by her pregnancy, as I was that she kept it from me all these months. We talk almost every week, and to think all that time she was pregnant. I felt stupid.
And I felt isolated. I know her reasons why she didn't say anything, but I was going to find out sooner or later! Infertility seems to seep into every aspect of life. I already feel isolated and alone in my feelings sometimes because I don't have anyone around me to share in my pain, or support me. My family and husband try, but no one really knows. (except for my buddies online =)
I have 3 very close girl friends and 2 cousins who are now expecting. They will be having their babies across the holidays and into the new year. My fear of going through the holidays childless grows, and is compounded by the fact those around me will be giving birth to their babies. I am scared I'll fall apart and not have the strength to put myself back together like I have in the past.
I couldn't sleep last night and got up and surfed the web on living "childfree". It actually wasn't as bad as I thought, reading the stories and the posts. I also researched adoption as well. Although, I am not sure if that's for me. Maybe I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet and give up. I know I'll fight till the finish. =) I think of Meg Ryan in that movie "You Got Mail" where she fights for her book store. (ha ha)
I guess my biggest fear right now is that IUI/Clomid will fail. I am waiting to start. I thought for sure AF would arrive any day now, but it's not. I know I'm not pregnant, so time is just dragging on.
Anyhow, thanks for letting me Vent. I haven't had such a bad night like last night in weeks, well since June to be exact. (when I fount out my other best friend was expecting)
Someday, this will be over. I just hope with all my heart it ends in motherhood. But either way, I know it will end sometime. I just hope we all win the battle!
