Gosh, this week has been so hard. I've really tired to remain positive and not get depressed, but I think I am losing. My husband had a SA and we got the results yesturday. The sperm antibody test was negative, which was a relief but his sperm morphology was abnormal. He had a SA done a year ago in the military, but it wasn't as complete as it should have been. His count was awesome, so we thought all was well and fine with him. But, they didn't do a morphology (shape of sperm) test. It looks like he only has a few normally shapped sperm, and the rest have double heads. Gosh, that sounds like some horror story, but it's happening in real life.
Our RE is supposed to call me this morning to talk about what this means. The nurse from the office told me our next step maybe to go directly to ICIS. (IVF) But instead they inject a normal sperm into an egg rather than the usual way of IVF I guess? It's more "advanced" I was told, therefore it costs more I am sure. My head was spinning as I talked with the nurse, I remember feeling like I was sitting on a water bed. But, I really was sitting in a chair.
This is such a shock to us. I waited till after dinner to tell DH, and he wasn't happy. He kept asking me, "you're joking right?" All this time, we've been under the impression he's fine and never thought about it twice. Now this is all happening to him, just as much me. He said all the things I did when I first got the news of my infertility and the causes. I think it maybe harder for a man just as much.
This is so difficult and upsetting. I was so excited about doing my IUI/Clomid this cycle. The doctor hasn't said we can't, but I know our chances will decreases. If the sperm has 2 heads, it can't penitrate the egg very well to fertilize, regardless of how "normal" and perfect the conditions are inside of me. That's the bottom line.
We know have male/female infertility. It seems to get worse and worse each week, as time goes on. We felt so much better starting our IUI cycle, like we were finally getting somewhere. And I kept thinking, it's okay if it's fails, we always have the last resort, IVF. And it seems we've skipped the other options and now are looking at our last resort.
The good thing is the clinic has a doctor who specializes in male infertility. We also heard Vit C does wonders in this area, and Deron's now gonna start taking 1,000mg twice a day. I still have yet to talk with my doctor about what we are going to do. I hope we can try one cycle of IUI at least.
I haven't cried much. I think I am numb and worn out emotionally. Hearing DH talk last night about how he was angry and upset really break my heart. All I want to do is fix the situation. It's hard to laugh about all this now, it's all so serious.
I have been thinking more and more lately about what our life woul be like with out a child. I try to imagine it. I went to the mall yesturday with a few of my single friends, and all they could talk bout was clothes and shoes, and all I could do was stare at every baby that strolled by in a stoller. I can't help but feel I don't "fit" in with my old friends anymore. The single ones all talk about getting married and live a very "single" life style. The married ones are all pregnant and have kids.
Oh well. Right? What can you do but keep on. I still think way down deep in my heart somewhere, God will give us a miracle. I just keep hoping and holding out for that. I will for as long as I can.
I wish that there was something that I could say to make you feel better, but I'm not sure what to say.
I know that God sees how much you and DH are doing to have a baby, and I believe that God will bless you one way or another. But it is all in his time not ours. Please just keep your head high and lean on your husband and us women in the room.
Vent all you want , we'll listen
Love
i do check in from time to time to see how everyone is doing. when we had my Dh tested in January, his sperm was kinda the same, some were ab-normal, most were slow, and some were "undetectable" . which i had no clue what that meant. the Dr. said it meant that there was sperm there just they could not see it, ( i call them ghosts sperm) so he did the boxer shorts and i did feed him tons of vitamin c. since hes a welder, i guess sperm don't do well with the exsessive heat. the Dr. said if i wasn't pg within 3 mnths that he would put me on clomid, to give my Dh more target to shoot.well, after 3 mnths still nothing, but i did wait till July, before going on the clomid. sorry this is sooo long but i wanted you to know that i was in the same boat as you, and it was awful the way my dh was feeling. infact i was sure that i didn't get pg my fertil week because the house was in an uproar that week, and we didn't do the bd hardly at all. it was just the stress of it all. i was gonna quit. but don't give up, it just takes time. i prayed to god every night for him to do what HE thought was best.obviously he thinks its best, now i pray all thru hoping for a healthy baby. my prayrs are with you!!! Maureen
Oh Donna--I am so sorry. To get that kind of news is certainly a shock. I am sorry for both you and Deron. I know that you will get some answers from your Dr very soon. This infertility rollercoaster sucks!!!!!!!
There is a bright side. At least you know what you're dealing with. I would have preferred not to have done the Clomid and injects and just jump right to IVF. I would have saved about 2 years. ICSI has been very successful and I just saw (on World News Tonight) that they can test the embies and only implant the healthy ones. I know that this probably does not help with how you are feeling right now but the thought may help in the near future. I think thta the guys take it almost harder than we do. They somehow feel inadequate. I am glad that you have each other for support.
Donna,
This is definitely the place to cope with infertility. You are very lucky that you know what is wrong with you. Unlike some of us, we are unexplained.
At least you know how to handle and address these issues that you are dealing with.
Clomid, ICSI, IVF.... all of these I have done. You have better chances with ICSI than Clomid. It is no big deal...just takes the joy out of BDing. DH has to have sperm collected and they choose the "Best" of the lot so you are guaranteed you have the best option among the swimmers and then inject a needle into your collected egg.... and then the miracle of life happens......hopefully.
Infertility has brought DH and I together. We now talk a lot, grew to support each other very well...and in your case, you have to make him feel that "it is ok" for him to be in his condition because at least he has sperm and not like others who do not have any at all. They quality of the sperm changes from periods of time. Some days when he is stressed or whatever activities he does...you get very poor quality, other days he gets megacounts of sperm and although there are twinheads most times, there may be more better quality shaped ones at other times.
But the fact remains, it will not be that easy to have a baby.... maybe difficult.... but maybe not that impossible.
It is ok for both of you to feel angry with yourselves... but take control as you have to be the stronger of the 2.... Easy to say but you have to try.
If all else fails, IVF is the next step where you have better chances of conception.
Vitamin C, pumpkin seeds apparently makes better sperm ... try anything even if it is just for laughs.
Positive thinking makes the heart grow fonder.... and may lead to that bundle of joy.
I feel horrible for you on the one hand; on the other I am incredibly hopeful for you! Thank G-d we live in a time when there is technology available to accomplish a pregnancy when nature sets the odds against us. If you have the financial means, I think IVF (ICIS) is a great option. Sometimes I wish I could forgo all the intermediary agony of treatment and skip to that step and that the doctor would just stick the darn pre-fertilized zygote in me so that I could have a "head start." Maybe discovering your husbands sperm morphology pushed you faster to a step you may have had to take anyway! I am not trying to make light of what is a difficult situation, but I have heard so many great IVF happy endings. I pray that you will be one of them.
At least you know what your problem is now so you dont' hase to keep trying in the dark. You can do what it takes now. I can't wait to get ther even if it is not so good news. At least I would know where I am at and if there is even hope. I think AF is coming, but just too early to tell. I guess I will be doing this again next month-the IUI. If the old witch does come and I test negative the first thing I will do is take a hot bath!!!!!(for an hour)Good luck I hope this is the begining of the end for you!!!!!!!
