This thread will contain reviews of the linesman flags I have to wave around during the season, it will also contain amusing anecdotes of the horrific abuse and tough times faced by linesman up and down the country in a tough saturday league environment. First review to come when I don't start or play 90 mins.

So next report in a week and a bit.

Keep em peeled, this thread will run and run.

If anyone else has any linesman stories or tales of linesman flags - good OR bad - then please post them.

Looking forward to a great season, keep the flag warm for me.

Your willing linesman

Stu 'Barney' Walker

^ "Your Willing linesman" - I suppose you've made it easier for Ste on who to drop for the game on Saturday...


I recall a match changing linesman incident - a long time ago when Maple's home games were played at The Airport in Walsall. It was a hot autumnal day - and Tony was linemsan (his shins must have had blisters on them from the hard ground, and so couldn't play).

IIRC it was just before half-time, the score was only 5-0 to the opposition, when the Maple defence lead a cunning plan to catch the oppo forwards offside - and to everyone's amazement it actually worked... until we realsied Tony was more interested in watching several radio-controlled model airplanes being acrobatically flown behind him - than our closely-fought game.

Despite the 2 opposition forwards realising they were around 10 yards offside the ref shouts 'play on - if you're lino can't be arsed to watch the game then tough - no offsides'. They then proceeded to score.

This single match-changing incident led to us losing the game around 10 or 11-0 - and it's all Tony's fault.

Moral of the story - make sure Tony is PLAYING every week as, strangely, he does more damage off the pitch than on it.

Another dull game on the pitch has led to me being able to compile a comprehensive review of being a linesman for our 8-0 drubbing of Tamworth Castle.

'The Horse' ran the line in the first half during the Tamworth Castle game. He showed promise as a budding linesman when, in response to some verbal abuse from a player, responded with 'get a hair cut mate'. With performances like this it's no wonder that Maple Leaf management seem keen to leave Rob on the bench to run the line.

Great stuff 'horse' you're doing me proud.

Barney.

Barney you lino anecdotes would not be complete without the story of Marks mate (name escapes me but he growled when he ran).

This lad didn't play much but he did once fall down a bank when running the line, much to our amusement.

Actually this story is shite, man falls over, that's it really.

I'll get me coat.

Once again Maple's 1st choice linesman was subjected to a torrent of verbal abuse from more than one person during the away 0-0 draw with Sutton Utd.

As a team it is imperative that we stick up for each other - not only play as a team for football - but play as a team for each other when target by physical or verbal attack.

Not only was he the target of mindless hurtful words, but he turned up to play and didn't get on the pitch to wreak his revenge on the people who so cruelly castigated him.

For this reason I would like top apologise on behalf of Tony and myself to Barney for the tirade of hatred aimed at him for quickly kicking the ball to the opponent when running the line and giving them an ideal opportunity to steal in on goal while Maple's defence was so fragmented.


Maybe Barney's non-playing was due to his 'union membership', his Trotsky-esque and socialist views, his recent 'take no crap off the management' stylee and questioning stance of the Maple status quo - at this moment in time it is difficult to pinpoint.

Whatever the reason, I'm sure Barney will be back playing soon - with Socialist Worker stuffed down his shorts for some 'light relief' at half-time...

It was a cold and testing afternoon all round when I was asked to again don the yellow flag.

I was at first a little nervous becasue the last time I was linesman (oh, sorry - referees assistant) I was the only person ever to be substituted from the role due to poor performance.

This being the case, I thought that I would assert my authority early doors, and flag for some very questionable offside decisions. Of course then the abuse came from the opposition forwards, but this was no worse than the abuse that I take every week from my own team mates.

I think you need to stand firm with your decisons, and flag with a confident action, leaving the classic 'Roger Milford' pose at the end. This will bring you the respect of both teams.

The pinnacle of my performance, If I do say so myself, Is refusing to let the Opposing player take a corner due the ball being outside the designated corner area. This was obviously winding the player up, and when I called the referee to inspect the situation, he called me a F*cking Nob Jockey.

One nil to me, I think.

Then we lose 7-3. What with my blatant cheating and goading of the opposition. Not the best of afternoons all round.

Having not contributed to my column for a couple of weeks I thought it due time for me to pen another installment of this now legendary thread.

Can I compliment Shingo, Dean and Saggy for some very notable and welcome contributions.

Since I last wrote have began to take a more prominent and involved role, both in the honour of being linesman and more recently as the Maple Leaf Comedy icon.

My first proper foray as linesman came a over a month ago now, and although Saggy gave a brief description of what happened I don't think he did it justice.

I ran the line for 90 minutes, not once did anyone ask to take over, we made three subs (one to right back - my preferred substitutional role) and to cap it all off I got abuse off three of my own team.

... however, I was listening to footy on the radio and not paying attention to the job in hand, missing several key decisions and even mistakenly fetching the ball for the opposition to take a quick throw in.

In light of my obvious rustiness of 'line running' the management 'team' (dictatorship?) were totally within their rights to give me the full 90 minutes and I'm only disappointed that more players didn't take their opportunity to politely remind me that it was 'f*%$ing offside' and not to get the 'f*%$ing ball for opposition to take a quick f*%$ing throw.'

Since that harrowing experience of running the line I've tried to adopt the new role of Maple Leaf Comedy icon... this is how it all began...

In the first 5 mins of a recent game (playing right back) I took a harsh knock to my ankle - whilst trying to run it off I found the inspiration I needed as new Comedy Mascot. Running up and down slightly hobbling made me look like a man with one leg 6 inches shorter than the other running for a bus, this was only the start of the comedy fun... a ball was played over the top, and with barely a thought for the safety of the spectators laughing muscles I calmly lofted the ball over our stranded mute keeper into the empty net.

Only a week later I was comfortable in my new role as comedy icon - whilst watching Maple Leaf play some great football from the sidelines (funny how we play our best stuff when I'm watching...) the ball rolled up the grassy slope towards me, I reached down for the ball and - again with barely a thought for the socks that could be laughed off at any second - I slipped as though someone had placed a banana skin under both my feet, with me wearing high-slip shoes, on ice - much to the amusement of friend and foe alike...

I have truly progressed to the status of comedy icon extraordinaire.

Look forward to more contributions from the brave women (saggy/shingo) and children (Dean) who run the line and support this fine team.

Roll on Xmas night out.

Barney

I scored another own goal. Ade laughed. no-one else did (or maybe I heard a chuckle from Shing) anyway, this kind of comedic behaviour is only funny for the opposition - so I'm going to cut it out.

But only if I'm awarded the Lean lycett award.

Barn

Pele, Maradona, Dalglish, Ronaldo - all players who scored fantastic goals like the 2 that Stew has scored of late.

Firstly, some weeks ago... the 20 yard lob right into the bottom corner so nonchalently finished - a true World Class finish.

Secondly - a great cross met by Stew six yards out with loads of time and under no pressure was calmly slooted away, again leaving gk Gater no chance.


It is indeed a shame that these were two own goals, but it does demonstrate his previously undiscovered shooting ability.

It's obvious for all to see that Stew should now be considered Maple's no1 forward. In Maple's 11 seasons it has never seen such a high standard of clinical finishing, coupled with the pace and aggression that is the man nicknamed 'Barney' the opposing defences would surely be petrified of the reputation of Stew 'Neville' Walker.

I know Maple's gk is...

vs Athletic Sparkhill there were several moments when if Barney were playing he surely would have hit an own goal double hat-trick.

As Bob Marley once wrote - 'No Barney, No Cry'.


Barney, you best get practising for all those 'End Of Season Awards'...