1. Rudy Poeschek's face makes a great skate sharpener.
2. Absolutely, positively NO wedgies during national anthem.
3. Myopic rookie released after asking about Ron Caron's cool peach-colored helmet.
4. Zamboni ranked #1 by J. D. Power and Associates, and insured by Rodney D. Young.
5. New two-minute penalty for pointing and giggling at Carolina Hurricanes' uniforms.
6. Absolutely no more Domino's deliveries to bench during games.
7. Red Wings' power play fades following rumors of expansion to Chernobyl.
8. 14th and Clark's hottest new drink: cheapest bourbon with cheapest lemon mix. It's called a Mark Sour.
9. Nashville fans stomp and clap to theme from "Deliverance."
10. Marge Schott flies to Florida to boo Peter Worrell.