Got a good hockey related joke? If so, post it here...
The rules are simple...moderate cussing is allowed. Things may get a little adult-oriented (crude), so be prepared.(What would Hockey be without it?), but no personal attacks on any posters...that gets a Game Misconduct and you're outta here!
10. Mike Milbury
9. Charles Dolan
8. John Spano
7. Howard Milstein
6. Alexie Yashin
5. 54 year between cups
4. Kirk Muller
3. Charles Wang
2. Neil Smith
1. Garth Snow
08. what the world series of poker
07. Billards
06. Sumo Wrestling
05. Sleep
04. continue what u normally do since nobody cares
03. Buy a professional hockey team
02. Listen to players complaining that they have no money and they have to find a real job
01. Watch the Yankees win another world series
10. Tampa winning the Stanley Cup
09. Chris Chelios Mouth
08. messier still playing he keeps on going
07. Atlanta, Tampa, Florida, Phoenix, Dallas
06. Gary Bettman
05. Todd Bertuzzi stick swinging
04. The CBA
03. The Players Union
02. Bob Goodnow
and the number one thing that has ruined hockey
01. ABC coverage
Great site about future NHL'ers - www.hockeyscouting.ca
by Anonymous
Hello:
Here is a site in which you can read about NHL, Minor Pro, Major Junior and Junior A Tier II players throughout North America, there is a ton of information, and player profiles are being added on a daily basis:
Hey, what else do you expect from a team full of WHL wanna bes (Wilson), and alcohalic hasbeens (Raichel). They need to realize that they are not as good as they wish they were
10. I don't want a 40 year old captain slowing me down
9. i want to make the playoffs
8. money is not important
7. i dont want basketball, football, baseball and everything else above my sport
6. i need a coach
5. i don't need to get robbed
4. i don't want to play with a baby and a crackhead
3. I am a die heart islander fan
2. i want to win the stanley cup before 2048
1. I would rather be on broadway then off
1. Your idea of serving breakfast is giving each of your kids a fork and dropping an Eggo in the middle of the table.
2. You punish your kids with "minors," "majors," and "misconducts."
3. When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns green, you stop.
4. When you come to a traffic signal and the light turns red, you get really excited and start cheering.
5. You consider the Forum in Montreal a place of worship.
6. You keep a picture of the Stanley Cup in your wallet in front of the picture of your family.
7. Instead of duct tape, you use hockey tape to fix everything.
8. You know the difference between "The Garden," "The Gahden," and "The Gardens."
9. You call a trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame a "pilgrimage."
10. You think the Canadian National Anthem is the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada."
11. You send Gordie Howe a birthday card, yet you can't even remember your own family members' birthdays.
12. All your kids are either named Gordie, Bobby or Wayne.
13. You went to see "West Side Story" because you thought it was about a game between Winnipeg and San Jose.
14. You went into a bank because it advertised "Free Checking"....and walked out disappointed.
15. When someone refers to "The Classics," you think they're talking about the Original Six.
16. Your cure for everything is a couple extra-strength aspirin and a shot of Novocain.
17. You can pronounce anything in French, yet you have no idea what it means.
18. Every time you hear a siren you wonder who scored.
19. You can say "Khabibulin," "Tkachuk," "Jagr," "Leschyshyn" and "Tverdovsky" without getting tongue-tied.
20. Every time you see the name "Roy" you automatically pronounce it "Wah."
21. You're not allowed to play chess simply because the first time you played, you misunderstood the meaning of the word "Check."
22. You think the Four Food Groups are Nachos, Beer, Pretzels and Rubber.
23. Everything in your wardrobe is your team's colors.
24. You still remember which teams were in the Patrick, Smythe, Norris and Adams divisions and which divisions were in the Campbell and Prince of Wales conferences.
25. You know the difference between "The Edmonton Express" and "The Human Express."
26. You refer to your team's enforcers as "chippy players" and you refer to other teams' enforcers as "freaking little pieces of monkey crap."
27. When you're at a game, you're not bothered when your kid cusses but when he says "shutout" before the game is over, you threaten to wash his mouth out with soap.
28. You wonder what Miroslav Satan did to become the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell.
29. You think the proper way to spell the plural of "leaf" is "leafs."
30. You can name all the Sutter brothers in order
31. Your closet is divided into 2 sections, HOME and AWAY
2. Before the game, secretly switch the green and red light bulbs around.
3. Slash, hook, and spear evey opposing player who comes within 3 feet of your crease, then point and laugh at your teammates when they have to go to the box for you.
4. After you cover the puck and the ref blows the whistle, quickly put the puck in your shorts before the ref can pick it up, then tell him to "comegetit."
5. Moon the goal cam.
6. Get into a shouting match with your stick, then tell the ref you refuse to play until the stick apologizes.
7. If you're on the bench, start giving away all the sticks on the rack to the fans sitting behind you.
8. Every time an announcement is made over the PA system, drop you your knees and start screaming, "Not the voices again!"
9. Every time the opposing team scores, remove one piece of of yourequipment.
10. Fill your teammates' water bottles with vodka and watch the fun.
11. As soon as the trainers finish putting your equipment on you, say out loud, "Hey, you know what astronauts can do right in their suits?" Then watch the fun as they scramble to pull the equipment off again.
12. During a faceoff, stand next to your defensemen as if you're a skater too.
13. When someone scores a hat trick, grabs as many hats off the ice as you can and stuff them in your jersey.
14. Using hockey tape, put a large bullseye in the middle of your chest.
15. Using hockey tape, put "(Insert name of opponent's enforcer here) Sucks" on the back of your teammates' jerseys.
16. Rub Ben Gay on the inside of your teammates' cups.
17. Pour Crazy Glue inside your teammates' cups.
18. When the trainer isn't looking, throw a red sock in the washer with the white home jerseys(but make sure you take yours out!.
19. Before the game starts, go up to the opposing team, start crying andsay, "Please don't score on me! My coach beats me if I let a puck in!" Then, when the ref comes to take you back to your crease, start screaming, "No! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!"
20. Position yourself in front of the goal cam and proceed to scratch your rear end.
Take a stick with the little sticker whrapped around where the blade and the shaft meet and remove it carefully. Saw three-fourths of the way through the stick and put the sticker back on. Then you watch the blade of the stick go flyin further than the puck on their first shot!
You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I
just spilled my poutine"
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
This doesn't bother you at all.
You know what it means to be on pogey.
You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
You don't care about the fuss with Cuba, it's a cheap place to travel
with good cigars and no Americans.
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo"
You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
You know what a tuque is.
You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
You never miss "Coaches Corner".
You know all the words to "If I Had a Million Dollars"
You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".
You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments,
including your favorites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I
canna read a word..." and "Kanata".
You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy
Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew.
You know Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.
Your backpack has only one Canadian flag sew-on.
You have been on Speaker's Corner.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the
missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
You remember "Jodie" from "Today's Special" and wonder why she reads
news on CBC.
You wonder idly if there is some government cover-up of a covert
operation behind shifting the shooting location of "X-Files" from
British Columbia to California,
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter
above the ground.
The local paper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages
for hockey.
You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials
You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends
Yes we all love hockey and can watch it for a week staright, but there are 45 more reasons why it is
by Trickster
Top 45 reasons it's great to be a guy
1. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population
in 15 tries, at least in theory.
2. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
3. Same work.... more pay!
4. You can write your name in the snow!
5. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
6. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
7. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
8. All your orgasms are real.
9. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
10. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
11. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
12. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
13. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
14. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
15. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot
of someone crying.
16. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
17. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
18. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
19. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
20. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
21. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
22. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
23. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
24. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
25. You can kill your own food.
26. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
27. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
28. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
29. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
30. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
31. You don't have to shave below your neck.
32. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
33. Flowers fix everything.
34. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
35. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
36. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
37. The world is your urinal.
38. One mood, all the time.
39. Chocolate is just another snack.
40. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
41. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
42. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
become lifelong buddies.
43. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and
throw it across the room.
44. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
45. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Four hockey fans were climbing a mountain one day.
Each was a fan of a different team, and each
proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans of
their hockey team. As they climbed higher, they
argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of
all.
They continued to argue all the way up the mountain,
and finally as they reached the top, the Boston fan
hurled himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is
for the Bruins!" as he fell to his doom. Not
wanting to be out done, a New Jersey fan threw
himself off the mountain, proclaiming, "This is for
the Devils!"
Seeing this, the Flyers fan walked over and shouted,
"This is for everyone!" and pushed the Rangers fan
off the side of the mountain.
A little boy is sitting in the living room playing with his train set while his mother is in the next room doing dishes. The little boy pulled his train up to the train station and yelled "all the bastards getting on the train get on, and all the *******s getting off the train get off!"
Hearing this, the mother stormed into the room and grabbed the young man and sent him to his room for 2 hours.
After his punishment had ended, the boy crept out of his room and went straight back to his train set. He pushed the train around the track and came again to the station. When he did, he exclaimed "would the ladies and gentleman who are getting off please do so in an orderly fashion, and have a nice day. Also, for everyone interested in boarding the train, please do so now. And for everyone who is pissed off about the 2 hour wait, take it up with the BITCH in the kitchen!"
Pamela Anderson, a Flyers Fan and a Ranger Fan....
by Nomad
A Flyers fan, a Rangers fan, and Pamela Sue Anderson are sitting together in a train traveling to New York City when the train enters a tunnel and the car goes completely dark.
Suddenly, there's a kissing noise, and then the sound of a really loud slap.
When the train comes out of the tunnel, Pamela Sue Anderson and the Flyers fan are sitting as if nothing happened, and the Rangers fan is holding his slapped face.
The Rangers fan is thinking, "That Flyers fan must have kissed Pamela Sue and she swung at him and missed, slapping me instead."
Pamela Sue is thinking, "That Rangers fan must have tried to kiss me, accidentally kissed the Flyers fan, and got slapped for it."
And the Flyers fan is thinking, "This is great.
The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that stinking Ranger fan again."
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar.
The bartender walks over to them and says "What can I get for you?"The
man says "I'll have a beer." The ostrich says "I'll have acoke," and
the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." Thebartender
says "OK, that will be $3.87" The man reaches into his pocket andbrings
out the exact change and pays the bill. A few days later, the same group
walks into the bar. The bartender goes over to them and says "What'll
you guys have?" The man says "I'll have a martini;" theostrich says
"I'll have a white wine;" and the cat says "I'll have half abeer and
I'm not buying. The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be
$6.75." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change
and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the
bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?" Theman
says "I'll have a scotch;" the ostrich says "I'll have abourbon;" and
the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." Thebartender
says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and
brings out the exact change and pays him. The bartender's curiosity got
the best of him and he asks "Why is it that every time I tell you the
amount you owe you always have the exact change in your pocket?" Theman
said "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes.
My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for
anything I buy." The bartender says that's a great wish...better than
asking for a million dollars...a million dollars would run out but exact
change never will."What were your other two wishes?" The man says
"That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a
tight pussy."
I pity my buds around me 'cos I just added this one to my stockpile of jokes.
BTW did ya hear about the guy who walks into a bar with............LOL!!!
A Leafs fan was driving home from work and he passed by the local priest. He
stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they
proceed to the church to drop the priest off.
On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road, on
closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a replica Montreal
Canadiens sweater. Now the Leafs fan driving hated the Canadiens and
suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his
foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the
Habs fan jumped out of the way, the driver of the car heard a bang but he
was sure he'd missed him.
The two men proceeded to the church in silence and the Leafs man pulled up
and said
"look Father, Im really sorry about that incident back there, I dont know
what came over me, can you forgive me father??"
The Priest replied
"Of course I can forgive you my son, I GOT HIM WITH THE CAR DOOR"
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat.
The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm.
As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a statue of a Ranger fan."
Last night [Team A] and [Team B] skated to a 2-2 tie. (70% of all Hockey games end in a 2-2 tie so this is a safe intro.)
The outcome could have been much worse for our hometown team were it not for the stellar net-minding of [Team A]'s star goaltender [Goalie Name Here], who continued his excellent play this season maintaining a save percentage over 90%. (All NHL goalies save percentages are above 90%)
Said team captain, Mark Messier (Mark Messier is the team captain on most NHL teams anyway, and if he's not, he will be eventually.) "We almost let one get away here tonight, if it weren't for our goalie. I mean, the guy was standing on his head all night." (Apparently, in order to maintain a 90% save percentage, goaltenders are required to stand on their heads every other game)
The slow pace of tonight's game can be attributed to the fact that both teams were executing the dreaded "neutral zone trap" forcing the other team to "dump and chase" rather than "carrying the line."
"You know, when you go up against the neutral zone trap you really have to take care of the puck, guys really have to skate, I mean, you've got to go to the net." added Messier.
[Team A] did catch a bit of a break tonight as [Team B] was without their top scorer [Top Scorer's Name Here] who missed his 7th straight game as a result of an Ulf Samuelson cheap-shot last month. (60% of all top scorers are sidelined by Ulf Samuelson cheap-shots, the other 40% are sidelined by Claude Lemieux cheap-shots so the two are virtually interchangeable)
Last night's contest was not without controversy, however, as [Team A] was the victim of some questionable officiating. In the third period alone, [Team A] had 4 goals called back as a result of a "player in the crease" violation while [Team B] had only a mere two goals called back. Referee Andy VanHellemond (The only referee in the NHL, by the way) was criticized for "putting the whistle in his pocket" for the last 10 minutes of regulation. (There have only been 11 penalties called in the last ten minutes of an NHL Hockey game since 1952. I'm serious, look it up!)
Last night's game was best summed up by [Team A] coach _______ Sutter (98% of all NHL teams are coached by one of the Sutter brothers, the other two teams are coached by guys named Jacques) who stated "You know, tonight's game was one of those ugly games that was won in the trenches, our guys did a great job in the corners tonight with the possible exception of our Russian guys who play more of a finesse game, but the key to tonight's tie was our ability to put the puck on net, our guys skated for the full 60 minutes, we put our checking line up against their first line and they did a hell of a job both fore-checking, back-checking, hip-checking, body-checking double-checking, and coat-checking, we got good production out of our power play, our penalty killing was solid, and I think we matched up pretty well with them at even strength, all in all, we're happy to come out of here with the one point."
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about
the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would
be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver".
Someone else reminded me of this outlook->as they say..if the beer bottle fits, drink the contents.
As Ever..Slotsy
10. The last player off the bench in basketball - His name is Paul, he's 6'4" and he averaged .02 points and 0.1 assists per game last year. The last player of the bench in hockey - His name is Paul, he's 6'4" in skates and he had 3 goals 5 assists, and 385 penalty minutes last year.
9. Hockey has a Zamboni- 'nuff said!
8. Some last names in Basketball: Jordan, Pippen, Smith. Some last names in Hockey - Zelepukin, Khabibulin, Satan.
7. It does not take a half hour to play the final two minutes of a close hockey game.
6. Hockey intermission- players are interviewed by members of the press. Basketball intermission- players are arrested for assaulting members of the press.
5. Cartoon character factor- Hockey has Disney and the Mighty Ducks. Basketball has Looney Tunes (Space Jam), and we all know who has the better theme park
4. In Basketball, championship trophies get put on display in the owner's house. In hockey, the Stanley Cup goes on a road trip with the players around the world.
3. Better audience participation in hockey, where fans are allowed to throw hats, and on occasion plastic mammals and dead mollusks onto the playing surface.
2. There simply is no basketball equivalent to Slapshot.
1. There are approximately 100 more professional hockey teams in North America than basketball teams, and all those people going to the games couldn't be wrong.
Ya I Luv Hockey,
That is the truth!
I luv it.
I play basketball for the girls team & is fun.
But the NBA SUX that's all I have to say.....
well thanks,
bye!
Four women were having coffee and bragging about their children.
The first woman says "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him FATHER."
The next woman tries to top her, "Really? My son married the princess of a small European country and when he walks into a room, people call him YOUR HIGHNESS!"
The third woman chirps, "Well MY son is a cardinal of the church. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him YOUR EMINENCE!"
The fourth woman is just sitting there sipping her coffee silently, and the other three look at her in a subtle way, as if to say "well...?"
She smiles and says, "Oh. Well, my son is a very handsome and large hockey player. Whenever he walks into a room women say, 'OH MY GOD...!!'"
"Yeah... and for trip also. You know... like that. And for hook... like this and uh... for spear you know... like that. All bad. You do that, you go to the box you know... uh two minutes by yourself and... you feel shame you know... and then you get free.
10. When your season tickets arrive in the mailbox, icicles are hanging from the red flag.
9. All of the Toronto strip clubs are empty.
8. The limousine cards at the airports are all suffixed "ov," "sky," and "sson."
7. Dental office parking lot looks like Porsche dealership.
6. We no longer see members of the Toronto Maple Leafs hanging around on street corners at night.
5. Choking sounds emanate from New York as the Rangers practice what they'll be doing come playoff time.
4. The trail of chipped teeth leading up to the Canadian-U.S. border.
3. Sergei Fedorov hasn't been spotted at a Russian elementary school in over a week.
2. Your kids are banging on glass everytime Mommy and Daddy get in a fight.
1. Ten million Canadians are being pulled out of mothballs.
A guy walks into a bar with his dog. Both the guy and his dog are covered head to toe in Chicago BlackHawks gear. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal but we don't allow animals in here."
The guy begs and pleads saying "C'mon, my tv's broken, and this is the only place I can watch the game...and we're huge Hawks fans!"
So, the bartender gives in, and they sit down. The Hawks, as usual fall behind a goal, early. Then just as quickly they tie it up, and the dog starts howling. The Hawks strike again to take a one goal lead, and the dog stands on its hind legs and howls. Then the Hawks score again to take a two goal lead, and the dog starts walking up and down the bar high fiving everyone.
The bartender says, "Thats the most amazing thing I've ever seen, what does the dog do when they Hawks take a 3 goal lead." And the guy says "I don't know, I've only had him for four years."
10. Keeps telling the Goal Judge to "Get Ready!".
9. Mask painted like Malibu Barbie.
8. On the net with his squeeze bottle is a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
7. Wearing Magooesque glasses over his mask.
6. You find him in a fetal position in the corner of the net.
5. Ice level microphone keeps picking up sounds of him praying.
4. He's wearing a virtual reality mask.
3. Keeps using his big stick to tenderize meat.
2. Technique in stopping breakaways: Fake Seizures.
1. Tries not to get hit by the puck.
Slotsy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the Air Canada Center. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
Slotsy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, Slotsy just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's our name?"
"Slotsy" the Slotman moaned.
"Where ya from, Slotsy?"
With pain in his voice Slotsy replied "the upper level."
Eric Lindros went to confession and said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
The priest asked if he would like to confess his sins, and Eric replied that he had used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest said, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Mary's and try to watch your language."
Mr. Lindros replied that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word."
The priest sighed and told him to continue. "Well, Father, I played hockey on Sunday with my team instead of going to church."
The priest said, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
Lindros replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. In the third period I looked at the scoreboard and noticed we were down by one goal."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
Eric replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. I started getting aggravated and I swung my stick violently around my head. An opposing member thought I was swinging at him, and checked me into the boards really hard.
"The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
Eric replied, "No, because the referee saw this hit, and sent him to the penalty box, so we were on a one-man advantage. Then, the opposing teams coach started to yell at the ref enough to make the ref call a bench penalty, and send yet another man to the box...so we were on a two-man advantage."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
"NO!" remarked Eric, loudly, "On the ensuing face-off deep in our end, the remaining three players on the other team tripped over one another. I got the puck on my stick and went all the way down the ice, and let go a blistering shot into the goalie."
The priest, thinking this was the obvious problem said, "and so you said the 'F-Word' because he made the save?!?!"
"That's not it either...JUST LISTEN!" screamed Eric, "He fell on his back, out of the crease and the puck landed away from him, about 5 inches from the goal-mouth!"
The priest screamed back, "Don't tell me you missed the f-ing rebound!!!!"
Joel Quenneville walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to Pavol Demitra and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
Demitra agreed, and Coach Q looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"
Pavol thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"
"Did you say 4?!?!" Coach Q exclaimed, excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!!!!"
Once there was this man, who had an IQ so high, that no onehad ever been able to measure it. But he had a problem, so he decided to go to his Doctor and see if the Doc could help.
When he arrived in the Doctors office, he proceeded to tell him,that although he was very smart, he didn't have any friends, he either found them very boring, or if he did meet someone he enjoyed being with, they found out how smart he was, and shyed away from him.
The Doctor examined him, and told him, "That does seem to be the problem, your just too smart, but I have this new machine, that is just made for a person with your kind of problem.
All you need is a few IQ points shaved off, and you'll have no problems making friends.
So he took him into the back room, and placed him in the machine,shut the door and told him, he was setting it for one half hour.
Then the Doc went back to his patients. The Doc got so busy, that he totally forgot about the man in the machine, and it wasn't until he was on his way home that He thought OH MY GOD, MY PATIENT!
He turned his car around and sped back to his office, ran into the backroom, opened the door, and pulled the poor man out of the machine, scared to death that he had made a complete idiot of him.
Looking into the the blank staring eyes of the man, he grabbed him by the shirt and shouted.."Speak to me!..and man uttered in
a dead an flat voice..GO LEAFS GO!
The richest man in the world knew he was going to die and he wanted to set up his three children in business.
He asked his oldest son what he
wanted to do. The boy said he liked cars, so dad bought him General Motors.
Then the dad asked his daughter what she wanted to do. She said she liked talking on the phone, so dad bought her AT&T.
Now the youngest was only six years old, but dad knew he would understand. The boy said he wanted a Mickey mouse outfit, so dad bought him the New York Islanders...
As Mike Milbury's wife was trying on her new fur coat, her friend said to her "Do you realize how much some poor dumb beast had to suffer so you could have that coat?"
To which Mrs. Milbury replied, "How dare you speak about my husband like that!
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". He called his dog Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to him. When he went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, he told the clerk that he would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then Nomad said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Nomad said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When Nomad decided to get married, he told the minister that he would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told Nomad to wait until after the wedding was over. He said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry them in his church. Nomad told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day they were married at the Justice of the Peace. His family is barred from the church from then on.
When his wife and him went on their honeymoon, he took the dog with him. When they checked into the motel, Nomad told the clerk that he wanted a room for him and his wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. Nomad said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day Nomad entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked him why he was just looking around. Nomad told him that he was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that he should have sold his own tickets. "You don't understand," Nomad said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called him a show off.
When his wife and him separated, they went to court to fight for custody of the dog. Nomad said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. Nomad spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked him what he was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. He said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- His case comes up next Thursday.
Well now He's been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than he ever foresaw. Why just the other day when Nomad went for his first session with the psychiatrist, she asked him, "What seems to be the trouble?" he replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
It's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird.
- It's a cocktail, not a choice.
- It's always better to roll in the hay than to bail it.
- Early to bed and early to rise makes for a dull f/n life.
- Two drinks are better than one.Hmm...methinks I'll drink to that. (twice).
- We should raise our boys to be honest, hard-working young men, not winning hockey coaches.
- Looking at life through the bottom of a cocktail glass is better than looking at a horse's ass over a plow.
- If Grant Fuhr thought he was a workhorse in goal, just wait until he stays over at our place.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away; but c'mon, wouldn't you really rather have steak?
- Hard work is a skill too, but don't tell that to Pavel Bure.
- The only sure things in life are death, taxes, and Sergei Federov taking a dive.
- Never put off till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after that.
- Hard work never killed anyone, but then neither did lounging around the pool.
- All work and no play makes Brett Hull look like Gino Cavallini.
Two Rangers fans boarded a flight out of New York. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Flyers fan got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Rangers fans.
The Flyers fan kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Ranger fan in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Flyer fan, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the Rangers fan picked up the Flyers fan's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Rangers fan said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Flyers fan obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Rangers fan picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Flyers fan returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Flyers fan slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our groups?
thanks! 