It was a dark and stormy night at the Zoot Suit Convention in downtown Seattle. Small cafes bustled with well-dressed zoot aficionados, sipping mocha frappuchinos and discussing last night's episode of Melrose Place. Everything was peachy keen. The air carried a scent of low-fat non-dairy creamer. Those who knew their history could taste the irony.

Yes sir, everyone was having a fine time. Zoot men walking in the summer rain, listening to the swish of their zoot pants and the click-clack of their zoot shoes on the zoot pavement. Everyone was having a fine, zooty time of it at the Zoot Suit Convention... that is, everyone except for one man.




He sat at a corner table of Dicky's Beanhouse. Leaning against the wall, he watched the customers come and go in the fluorescent light. He didn't particularly care for retro dress-suits. This man would rather not even be in that part of Seattle that evening, but he was on a case.

His name was Pat Burgers.

Pat Burgers was waiting for someone, but if you asked him for whom, he'd probably just insult your cosplay and walk away. No one asked Pat Burgers. No one dared.

Suddenly, the Beanhouse door slammed open and Pat whirled around on his swiveling bean-bar stool.



"Something seems amiss." Burgers muttered as he saw shadowy figure silluetted in the door.

He probably would have been able to guess a gender, or at least figure out whether the figure was wearing a skirt, a kilt, or really ugly pants. Unfortunately he noticed his cigarette had mysteriously disappeared in the previous panel and his thought bubble covered up all but the vague, badly-drawn huminoid limbs.



"Curses. Perhaps next post"

And Pat Burgers waited.

"Pat Burgers... I'm the man who hired you, Burgers. I need your help."

The figure lurched into the artificial light of the cafe. Burgers could now see that he was a man, a man in a questionably-fashionable pink zoot suit. It could have been the rain, but to Burgers it looked like this newcomer was shedding hot tears of manliness…



"I'm looking for the man… who killed my father."

The man fell to his knees. Looking up to the heavens, he gave an anguished cry...

Pat Burgers winced. This kid could yell hella' loud. "Calm down and tell me what happened" Preferably without screaming again.


Dan: "The mighty Dan remembers it like it was yesterday..."



Pat: "Why did you're dad's suit just change colors?"


Dan: ...oyaji...

Pat: "...
Pat: "You have no idea what the murderer looked like, do you?"
Pat: "..."
Pat: "You're not even listening to me anymore are you?"
Pat: "..."

Somehow, Burgers started getting the feeling that this was going to be the most troublesome job he had ever taken. Exempt maybe for that time he had to team with that... kilted assassin. Pat quickly wiped the memory from his mind.

Pat: "I need a new cigarette..."

Detective Burger couldn't get a solid description of the murderer from Mr. Hibiki, so he was stuck with guesswork and creative reasoning. Luckily for Burger, creative reasoning was his forte. He lit up a new cigarette.

"Let's see… the crime took place, according to Dan's 'descriptive' narrative, in cold blood. The killer seemed to act out of blind rage, not any solid motivation. The only witnesses were incompetent or some sort of crow-like bird…" Burger took a long drag from his cigarette and rested his head in his hands.

"This is going to be trickier than I thought. I better get to work," said Burger.

Field. Crow. Decapitation. Oyaji. Putting to pieces together, Burger's line up pointed to three definite suspects. Unfortunately, all of those suspects were either fictional or dead long before the date of the crime. Realizing this, Burger did the only sensible thing and picked random criminals from a Google search.




"Let's see… Lizard Man… no. Violent enough to do the crime, but too sneaky to do it in broad daylight. Also, Lizard Man would have probably eaten Hibiki Sr.'s liver as well."

"Mr… Geese Howard? Let's see… serious criminal record, including one case of patricide. (A Mr. Bogard I believe?) However, as a crime-lord he is too cautious to attack randomly… We'll contact him if we need more information from the crow-bird witness.

"Here we are! An assassin by the name of Venom, known for attacking with a… pool cue…

…

… No. Let's not go there."


Damn. A dead end and a cold trail! Perhaps it was time to hit the streets for more evidence…


-Th3 J3sT3r.

Burgers knew he was going to need a bit of help if he planned to track down his client's father's, badly-described, murderer. Luckily, he knew just the 'man' to go to. Something of a bounty hunter he was. A veteran who knew everyone and everything that entered the stratosphere. And he owed Pat a favor. Though he could find any man on earth, for some reason he seemed to have some trouble finding some random aquatic life. And odd-ball, but definately good at his job.



Pat Burgers set out, dragging his incompetant client behind him.

Soon they arrived.

????: "Who are you?"
Pat: "It's-"
????: "No one's here. Piss Off!"

Pat: "Shut up for a second and listen to me. It's me. Pat-'you owe me'-Burgers. Now get out from behind that friggin counter."
????: "...Pat?"



Pat: "I need your help. And you owe me a favor Ridley."

DISCLAIMER: Today's Episode brought to you in "No Limits" Vision.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Okay, Ridley Boy, I want answers. What do you know about the death of a Mr. Go Hibiki?" Pat wasn't messing around. If he spent too much time wallowing in the madness that was Dan Hibiki's existence, Burger's view of the world would deteriorate even more than it had.

"Hibiki? Hum… doesn't ring any bells. Listen, Pat, I have a lot on my mind right now so could you-" Ridley glanced about evasively. Burgers went in for the attack.



"Dammit, Ridley, I'm not playing games here! Crows. Manly Tears. Lizard Man. Oyaji. What do you know?!"

"I… I… Pat I swear I don't know what you're talking about!" Ridley began to retreat behind his human-puppet.

Pat would not let up: "Tell me what you're hiding!"

Ridley: "I… I…"

Pat: "What, damn you!"

Ridley: "I'M HAVING SAMUS' BABY!!1" D:

Pat: O_O



To be continued?!!



-Th3 J3sT3r.

That threw Pat off.

That threw Pat completely off.

"But, that's- You're not- She's a-..."
"DON'T LOOK AT ME! STOP LOOKING AT ME! OH GOD PLEASE STOP STARING!!!"
"OYAJIIIIII!!!!!" *whine whine tears etc.*

Pat felt something in him snap.



Several minutes passed by with only the sound of much sobbing filling the room. Or something.

Pat stood in the center wearing a constant unmoving expression.

All of a sudden...



To be continueseded!!!


((OOC: experimenting with photoshop. I like the second pic better.))

"Dammit, Ridley, you really are a jackass."



Holding her charge beam dangerously close to Ridley's chin, Samus regarded the reptilian rapscallion with very little motherly affection. Ridley gulped and managed a weak grin. His eyes darted from the weapon to the detective, pleading silently for some sort of assistance. Pat Burgers, however, was no fool.

"Sorry, Samus, I didn't know you were in town! Just a harmless little joke, honest," Ridley stammered. His tail swiped back and forth in the booth, knocking over various papers and cans. Samus brought her face closer to Ridley's beak-like nose.

"If I weren't too busy to deal with you right now, you'd find out just how 'harmless' your little joke might have been. Now get out of here before I plant a bomb up your tailpipe." Ridley took the hint and dashed up into the sky, soon nothing but a black speck against the sun. Samus took a step back and regarded the two men cowering behind her. "I heard you're looking for the killer of a Mr. Go Hibiki," Samus said. "Being a bounty hunter of sorts, I think I might be able to help you."



This was the best news Burgers had heard all day. He couldn't help noticing, however, that the scenery around them had become rather overly-dramatic since Samus showed up…

"Eh, chalk it up to creative license," decided Burgers.


-Th3 J3sT3r.

"Let us go now," Samus said, gesturing emphatically, "TO ZEBES!"



Burger found himself almost blown away by her shear enthusiasm. Or maybe by the dramatic wave backdrop. Or even the sudden and inexplicable wind. Or maybe by the fact that he somehow seemed to be located suddenly on a mountain that looked remarkably similar to mt. Fuji. Dan was not so lucky. He soon became handicapped with a crippling stubbed toe. Regardless, Pat found the need to speak up.

"But... Why Zebes?"

The Hunter turned to look at him. "Your hints are 'a crow,' 'oyaji,' and 'lizardman' - do you have any better idea?"


TORE BE CONTINNARD!!!!!
((OOC: I blame it on leekspin!))

Some might say our heroes' quest was a hopeless one. Some may doubt the wisdom of their inter-planetary errand. Some might point out that Zebes was blown to smithereenies at the end of Super Metroid. For those people, it is prudent to point out that the authors of this fine narrative are pacifists, and there for have no respect for all that is "cannon."

Ed: Though we be pacifists, our puns can kill at twenty paces.

So our heroes had some hope! What if, indeed, the murderer of Dan's father was in fact a space pirate? Surely Samus Aran would be the ideal hunter for such a villain.



"And," Burgers pointed out, "If the murderer is not on Zebes, perhaps the Space Pirate crime-ring could give us some hints as to where to look next." Dan looked longingly out the window of the space craft as Zebes loomed in front of them. With all his being he hoped the large, orange planet held the secrets to his father's murder. With his face pressed tenderly to the glass, he murmured a plaintive, "Oyaji…"



-Th3 J3sT3r.

As the planet's gravity drew them slowly in, the crew grew restless, thinking of what might (and what might not) be lurking on that steadily growing planet that really shouldn't exist given any sort of videogaming storyline unless they happened to be in the past, which would just be weird, but then again Ridley's alive so maybe they are, but I'd prefer if the Super Metroid storyline actually did occur, so I guess this really is just a made up storyline anyway. (82 words? meh, I could do better)

Regardless, the ship descended into the atmosphere uneventfully...



... and the crew soon found themselves touching down on the dreary, curséd, planet.



-I mean...



"Oh, and guys, I don't know what you were planning on doing out there, but the air is unbreathable and that's acid rain out there."



TA BA CONANAD!
((<3 zoomers))

"No worries. Pat Burgers always comes prepared!"



Samus was, understandably, shocked: "…Did you bring scuba suits, Pat?"

Burgers' pride emanated from the shadowy depths of his scuba helmet. "Why, of course! From flash-tsunamis to nuclear-fallout, an air-tight scuba suit is useful in any situation." Tromping to the spacecraft's door, Burgers opened the hatch and stepped boldly onto Zebesian soil. Breathing deeply, he turned to the two figures behind him and gave an emphatic thumbs-up.

After a few moments, Samus regained her composure and turned to Dan Hibiki, who emitted a pitiful burble. Samus leaned down, looking into the scuba helmet: "Is he… literally drowning himself with manly tears?"

Dan looked up and wailed, "Obbbbbiaggrglijiii!!" D:



Tom be concussioned!


-Th3 J3sT3r.

After a few minutes of fitting Dan with a one way drainage pipe, Samus shook her head and went off to check the ship for its post-flight routines. Dan broke the pipe shortly after by tripping over the worlds smallest Zebesian violin. The violin was left unharmed.

Unaware of his coorts' situations (possibly due to his narrowed peripheral vision) Pat tromped off on his own to a nearby cave, his fedora slowly melting in the acidic atmosphere.



Pat soon found himself in a cave.

Unfortunately for him, it was dark there, and it was forseably likely that he would be eaten by a grue. Luckily for him, a shriekbat found him first.






What will become of our beloved hero?
Will he ever make it out of there alive?
Will Dan and Samus even notice he's gone?
WHO will do the needed film noir monologues without him?
WILL Kraid appear in Metroid Prime 3?

We may never know.

TBC!!!!

Just as Samus finished fixing Dan's drainage pipe, a terrible sound emanated from the nearby cave: "Ooooo Nooooeee…!"



Samus pondered what vile horror made such a noise. It couldn't be a grue, they snarl a bit more… Just before there was the sound of a shriekbat, but that was normal... Who had ever heard of an "OooooNooooeeee-bat," anyway?

Just then, she saw the trail of square foot prints leading boldly into the cave. Samus gasped, uttered a heart-felt, "O NOE!" and raced into the darky depths.



The scene before Samus would have seemed comical if it weren't tragic. A shriekbat wiggled above Pat's head, blade-like wings apparently stuck in the thick material of his scuba helmet. It seemed that Pat survived unharmed, a miracle attributed to both the fine quality of his scuba suit as well as the fact that this shriekbat was, apparently, a dud. Any effort to remove the bat, however, would surely allow toxic gases to leak in to the helmet and would end in Pat's asphyxiation. Both Pat and the shriekbat were mortified.

Samus saw the only possible solution. It was unfortunate for all parties involved, but the shriekbat would have to remain attached to the helmet. She thought it would be clever to refer to them as "Pat and Bat," but Pat insisted on naming his headwear Gregory.

"Shriek," commented the shriekbat.



…TBC!! :<


-Th3 J3sT3r.

(I hearby apologize to all the lowercase letters that would otherwise have not been used in this post.)

AND THEN THEY HAD TEA AND CRUMPETS WITH THE MOTHER BRAIN.


THE END




((OK: Sorry for the sudden ending and the delay on writing this end. We hit some snags there with writer's block and a few other things, but regardless, I think we can now finally conclude this silly little trial story.))

((Advice for the future: Don't EVER EVER include a character you respect too much to make fun of. It kills the writing process. Miss X is of course still fair game though.))

It's even on the cover of Koopa Kleats magazine!